From .oyazumi: (originally was posted in heartsupportwall /site, but i could get a chance to get to pc and share this here) Hello
Sorry for posting here, i feel guilty for that
Like 10 minutes ago, and still i have a BIG panic attack, because my mom is just…wishes me to be dead, saying that im the worst person ever, and she isnt giving me my own laptop. Tomorrow i have a defense of project work (i.e. presentation) and i have to finish the presentation, but she isnt giving me that, because “i am not worth it” “i need to just die and thats it” “who cares about your defense?” And this all. I already vented here that because of my mom i am becoming more angry, and now…i just think that she is right, and i really need to do, what she says. I cant write my friends, because of the parents control on my phone, i even couldn’t come to this site normally, because it didnt allow me. I cant call hotline just because im afraid that she and other family will hear that. I just want to finish this off, i dont want to suffer another day
Im really sorry that you read all my mess that ive wrote, i still feel very desperately
Hello .oyazumi,
Thank you for reaching out sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through at home with your home. Hearing comments such as those can really chip away at one’s heart, self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence. It is such a challenge to navigate being in a home when those who are meant to take care of us seem to be against us. Though it is hurtful, to hear those things come from a mother. I hope I can encourage you by sharing that there are many more people in this world than her, and they would not feel the same way that she does. There are people who would be supportive, and encouraging of you, and your life endeavors and definitely would not want you to die.
I truly hope that you are able to get the help and support that you need and deserve so that you can continue to hold on and make it through these circumstances. I also want to wish you good luck on your project defense; I hope that despite everything going on that’s on your plate right now, that you can still do well. 
Hello .oyazumi
I am sorry that you are having struggles getting access to the equipment you need to do you presentation. Are there any places like a library where you could gain access to what you need to get it done?, or perhaps computers at school?
Regardless of the access to a computer. I think that it is highly inappropriate for anyone to tell someone they need to die, especially if it is coming from your Mother. You don’t deserve to be treated in this way, or told these things. I think that it is important that you find the support you need for the feelings you are experiencing. I’m not sure what type of resources you might have in your area, but perhaps you could try to see if there is any counseling, or help available outside your household? That you could gain access to by talking to someone at school. Something that could potentially be more discrete, and give you an outlet without you having to worry about your families reactions. I do also think it is important for you to let your family know what you are going through if they are capable of being empathetic and understanding, but this is not always the case.
I hope that you can find some relief to feel a bit better in time, and feel free to share more if you ever want/need.<3
Not really long time ago i shared to my mom my feeling that she is yelling at me every day. After that we had a big fight, and in the conclusion she really wanted to throw me away from the house and get me into an orphanage. Thats basically when my breakdown has started and my panic attacks appeared
Father didnt do anything, sistsr has supported my mom ;-;
About computer access, i could make a presentation on my dads pc but…i only had 20 minutes, so it was kinda bad. Today i had the defence itself, and it wasnt that bad, i mean i could even talk, not just shake and cry. I didnt have a plan or scenario, so ig i need to be proud at least of this
Thanks for supporting!
Thank you so much!!! I already had the defence today, and it wasnt really bad, but still thank you so much!
I got a big support from friends, so i am feeling not good now, but getting better and recovering from all what i had
YES! Absolutely yes! We are surely proud of you here. This is a big accomplishment right there. I’ve myself struggled with social and performance anxiety for most of my life… and oh my gosh group presentations have always been my nemesis. The energy it takes to compose with the stress and anxiety is all consuming. It may look like an ordinary task for most, but you have mustered a lot of courage there! Congrats!! So damn proud of ya! 
I’m glad to hear that you are doing a bit better and recovering. This is all a process and a journey. You are doing the best you can. Keep taking it day by day. I am proud of your efforts and accomplishments and I hope you are proud of yourself too! 