Glad I made this acc, bc now I have something to talk about.
I have a huge question for myself I’m starting to confuse with insanity and intuition more and more these days. I haven’t realized until now that I might have such a huge problem with trust and safety bc my mom has raised me to overlook it. When I was little I was sourrounded by creepy men, my mom will always deny it but it was so obvious that every man she seemed to encounter was a fucking creepy molestor or rapist, they were all super odd, and by that I mean they would ask me weird questions, tell me weird things, have way too much empathy for me it almost seemed like an obsession. As I got older I learned my dad went to prison for being a child rapist. And that my mom’s other ex husband also went to jail for sexually creepy things as well. Now in life, as I’m older, I’ve noticed that everyone I meet, tends to be a fucking freak. I have always wondered “WHY”, why this was happening to me. Was it just bad luck? Was it manifesting something? Only now do I realize its bc the way I was raised, who I was sorrounded by. I was raised to not even acknowledge my intuition, I don’t think I was even raised to have it. But I did, I just grew to ignore it bc she raised me to feel empathy for the wrong people. To ignore that little feeling that says “you’re probably in danger” instead I ignored it, and got curious, and it would lead to trauma and obsessive paranoia. Now that I realize that, I’m learning I’m going to have to acknowledge my intuition for the first time in my life. I have intuition, I was just taught to ignore it, I’m not stupid, I’ve just been irresponsibly and selfishly raised. But at the same time, I have trouble understanding if I’m seeing the light, or going insane. Could this “intuition” just be full on paranoia? No, bc whenever I feel some sort of attraction like a magnet, I now know they are most likely dangerous. Why? Bc every single person I’ve felt an attraction were highly avoided in school and seen as creeps. Did I ignore that? Yes. Why? Bc I wanted to feel empathy. I ignored my intuition bc I didn’t understand it. I’m not letting that happen anymore, but now that I can see my intuition, I have trouble understanding if my mom’s current husband is another pedophile or “just a fucking weirdass”
For a long time, I have never trusted this, thing. When I first met it, I already hated it. When I discovered my mom was going to *marry* it, I felt betrayed, but since she would be happy I just let it go, treated it as if it didn't exist. It got easier and easier year after year to ignore the freak, but now I'm just, I feel like I'm going insane. Now that I've gotten over alot of traumas and overcome depression, this is my biggest obstacle. Maybe not in the moment, but it gets triggered every time something "off" happens. There have been multiple times I felt like he came into my room at night, waking up terrified and not being able to talk to my mom about it bc she would never listen to me, she's just too in her own head. Plus my only evidence are "my eyes only" I may have multiple povs, but there is still only one pair of eyes who witnessed it. Today it's been triggered again, bc I was walking to my room from the kitchen and that fucking freak did some creepy shit. My mom was there, sitting on the other side of the room, watching TV. I'm tired of telling myself "Im just seeing things" "I could've SWORN, I saw something." Bc that's not confronting it. Now, I want to figure out wtf is going on, why the fuck my mom would marry such a weird peice of shit, and how to prove my point, bc no one will ever listen to me, and the ppl who will don't plan, they overreact. Sometimes the fear gets to a point where I jsut want to stab him, bc then the danger won't be there anymore. It'll all be over. I'll finally be safe. But that's not how u solve problems. And when I get triggered lik that, I begin to question my sanity. Am I going insane? Am I paranoid as shit? Am I sane or not? I'm tired if asking these questions. And idk how to answer them. I need someone else's opinion, even if it probably will never help. I just want to get the fuck out of this house. Please help me.