i feel as though ive given you all the wrong idea of my mother. my moms a mean drunk who acts like she drinks for me, for my benefit. she acts like its my fault for telling her not to drink and that she needs it to survive or she’ll have a breakdown. my moms not a dependent alcoholic, but once she uses it to cope the first time she wont stop until we have some groundbreaking revelation about how bad it is for her.
we have these talks about why she cant drink and how she traumatized me and i say something that hurts her feelings so she cries and tells me she fucked up and how sorry she is and how she wont drink again and we pretend thats enough for us and then it isnt because she drinks again
shes not always terrible when she drinks, shes not always screaming at me or hurting me or threatening me, but it still hurts when she drinks even if shes not actively being abusive. i expect it every single time and i feel like a fool when nothing happens, like its not valid anymore to be afraid of her.
we ran away from a bad situation together, but that doesnt make her a good person, or a better person. we’ve had another one of these sad hard conversations where i accidentally swear at her and tell her how much she hurt me and she cries and it does nothing because i know she’ll go back to her drink after this and it sucks
i wish she’d choose me over alcohol, like she’d at least think about me. she thinks shes doing me a favor by drinking or else she’d ‘have a mental breakdown’ or ‘be suicidal’ it still hurts when these conversations do nothing, im secretly waiting for them to do something but they never do. i cant fix this.
i wish this was different and that i could pretend my mom was some amazing woman but shes not so great, i have previous posts on here about stuff shes done, maybe you dont think its too bad or anything but you can still check it out if you want stories or whatever. ive had progress, realizing i have two bad parents rather than one. in those previous posts i talk about how my dad helps me, how hes there for me. he wasnt ever there for me, i just didnt know what it looked like for someone to care.
my dads a bad human being and a bad father, so dont give him a break. but dont forget everything my moms done just because she got us out of a bad situation.
i dont know how to fix this, i wish i could, but im just gonna have to accept it. i have 4 more years until i can leave the house, 4 more years for terrible things to happen. im not stupid, i know this isnt the end, shes gonna do something bad again, really bad. and i just have to anticipate it the best i can.
