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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Monsters by Shinedown
My monsters are from when my wife cheated on me 2 times. She also interrupts me when I’m trying to open up and talks over me. She never wants to have sex unless she is wasted. My Monsters are infected my mind. I don’t want these monsters.
Hey my friend.
I am so sorry to hear about this and appreciate you opening up so so much.
Being cheated on by anyone hurts. But by the person who is suppose to be vowed to be your life partner can create a deep wound. Especially if you’re being talked over and not having any moments to feel really connected with each other.
I imagine that feels like a lot of disrespect. Feeling like “my feelings dont matter” and feeling like roommates in the relationship. I imagine that I would feel like I simply didn’t matter to that person.
And that is a heart rending type of pain. I am so so sorry my friend. I can absolutely see what that haunts you. And I don’t blame you a damn bit.
In a few ways, this reminds me of behaviours I’ve had to correct in my marriage.
You see, I wasn’t raised by affectionate or loving parents. They hardly spoke to each other, much less showed love. So that just wasn’t modeled for me. That means that respecting myself and having boundaries was…hard. I effectively never did it as a kid. And for that, I ended up running with crowds and finding friends who were rude. Who picked on each other in mean ways as “jokes”. And as I got older, I either dated people who were rude or became the rude and hurtful person in the relationship.
I…didn’t know how to do it very well. In my current marriage, my partner brought up that something I said hurt her. And I felt…defensive. After all, I didn’t mean to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to. But ultimately, my intentions didn’t matter. It was whether I was willing to make change.
So i’ve had to relearn and redefine love and how I show it, because it hasn’t come naturally. I’ve had to be intentional and vigilant and supportive. And it’s been frustrating because it doesnt come naturally. But it’s brought us so much closer together.
If someone loves you, they will make the change. They will work on themselves. And they will put the effort in. That’s what I truly believe. And if they don’t - each person is different. But I was letting my ego and my perception of self get in the way of truly being with my partner and showing up. So the choice was my perception of self - my ego, or my partner.
I think you deserve to be chosen and celebrated and loved by your spouse. If that isn’t currently happening, there should be change.
As someone who ALSO was a people pleaser that would do anything to simply not be alone - alone is better than the mental anguish of being with someone who actively makes you feel bad about yourself. At least that is how I feel.
Moving ahead is scary and the uncertainty can feel suffocating. Is that worse than the current situation?
I hope you find peace and acceptance in the future. And love. And kindness. You deserve it friend.
Thanks so much for opening up. Please, be safe. And hold fast.