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Belongs to: Therapist grieves with Slipknot - XIX
My only brother who was my father figure passed away when he was 42 on 05/20/2007 then my mom passed away on 06/03/2008.
This is one of many Slipknot songs that kept me from ending my life…
I’m so very sorry for your losses, my friend. Losing two people who are so close to you in such a short amount of time is absolutely heart-shattering. It feels as if suddenly an entire part of your world, of your self, has been removed from the earth. You are forced to deal with whatever is left, with all the fears, questions and hurt it generates to be alive when they aren’t. The silences and emptiness that losing someone you love creates within is terribly loud and heavy, and it’s even more cruel that it remains impossible for others to see it directly or acknowledge it while you need it the most.
For what it’s worth: I hear you, I see you, and I feel this pain with you. These years between 2007 and now must have been particularly heavy and a real rollercoaster of emotions. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of tears that had to be shed, and the amount of heavy times you had to force yourself to push through in order to keep going.
I personally lost my big brother in 2018 to an illness that developed suddenly - he was 33. After this my family has just exploded and I, somehow, lost more family members - even if it wasn’t through death. It has felt and still feels many times that life itself had its own colors removed and I lost most of my roots.
Words are not enough to describe the void it creates to lose people who happened to be a real anchor in your life. It’s like having no real sense of self anymore and no sense of direction left. Yet at the same time you have to deal with the fact that you are alive, breathing, and that time keeps moving on. That somehow you have to keep walking. But how hard and unfair it feels to have this possibility when people we love can’t share their own voice anymore. It truly feels like a poisoned gift at times, to be alive while grieving. It feels unnatural and beyond understanding.
I wholeheartedly relate to this call you have experienced to ending your life, and can’t express enough how thankful I am that you are here today and that you keep trying. There are times we want to be with the people we love again and not feeling like having to embrace life without them. And that speaks so much to the love that was and is still present between you and them.
I’m thankful because not only you kept choosing life and giving yourself a chance that your mom and brother would certainly want you to embrace, but also because thanks to your presence you also honor them, their life, their love - you make sure that it keeps on living too. They may not be present physically, but they keep existing through you. You share their voice, their heart, and there is something beautiful in this reality. Because there is a unique bond that unites you and will always do, and this world deserves to know about how beautiful their impact has been on your life - and certainly many others.
I can assure you that you are not at fault for living, and you have the right to embrace life even if they are not present to share it directly with you anymore. I know it hurts terribly to even think about this truth though. Which is why I want to reiterate it with the hope that you can keep it in your heart during times of doubt. Gosh I doubt too… so often. But I believe there is also strength to find and nurture in pursuing and honoring the memory of the ones we miss by living our best life too. For that is what we wanted for them, and that is what they would want for us too.
Death is unfair, cruel in so many ways, although it can never erase the love that is present between two unique individuals. It’s not determined by time or distance. It only is. And that my friend is a beautiful, special legacy as well as a real superpower that you hold within.
You are beautiful. You are important. You matter.
-Micro
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Even if it happened in 2007/2007, I can imagine it still cuts so deep today. I lost my dad in 2021 and my mother in 2022. About 1.5 years apart and quite unexpectedly. Those of us who have lost someone that close in proximity can truly understand what that pain is like for others. It might not be the same journey of grief, but we understand what that pain is and how it feels. The lines “walk with me” in this song are so powerful. The invitation of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone going through such intense grief and pain is so healing because someone taking that risk to feel what you are feeling let’s you truly know you are not alone in this journey.
@@anoceanbetweenus89 After my brother and mom passed, my relationship with my dad got slightly better. He just passed on 01/18/2022 from several issues, but he developed Alzheimer’s in 2017 and had to be put into a nursing home. Well the guy he left in charge of his medical & financial issues put him in the nursing home. A lot of family drama that I’m not going into. But thank you for your support. I’m sorry that you lost loved ones too. I know there really isn’t anything I can say to make anything better, but I can definitely relate 
I lost my brother in 2007 and my mother in 2009, so I can relate. Slipknot was my go-to and many years later, I have SlipKnot lyrics tattooed on my body (Slipknot - Snuff).