To be honest…
I really fought with myself thinking about if I should write this message or not.
But all the things that happened since December are so much that I feel like I’m drowning right now.
It all started when I met my ex fiance for the first time in August 2020. We had a great connection right from the start and began to date really quickly. Everything seemed perfect. We even planned moving in together and managed to get a place to live really fast.
I took care of my grandmother at this time, so I organized everything so that she wouldn’t be alone after I moved out.
My planed day of moving was December 16th.
On December 7th I found my grandmother dead on the bed. She passed away in her sleep.
Now I had a reason more to move away and finally at January 1st (after my grandmother was buried and everything) I moved in with my boyfriend at the time.
Everything seemed to be going a good way. I accepted that my grandmother wasn’t living any more, I got a new job and we even got engaged in March.
Then… At the beginning of May… I started to feel wierd. I thought my period was coming but I got surprised otherwise.
I was pregnant.
After the first shock, I couldn’t be happier. I thought I reached everything. A good home, a man I love and who I was going to marry, a job I loved and now even a baby.
I literally was the happiest I’ve ever been.
But this shouldn’t stay for long.
On June 23rd, I found out that I miscarried my sweet baby.
There was no heartbeat any more and I needed surgery. I lost my job and cried a lot.
But even after that I was kinda positive, because of the upcoming wedding in September.
God damn… How could I ever thought that my miscarriage would be the end…On August 13th (3 weeks before the wedding) everything changed. And until now I am not able to totally understand that it happened.
At this night I wanted to sleep with my boyfriend. Things went on and my mind completely slipped away and focused on other things. If the wedding is going to be great… What food we would eat… How the pictures turn out…
I wasn’t in the mood anymore and told my boyfriend.
He ignored and tried to turn me on again. I refused everything but he didn’t stop.
Long story short… That night I got raped by the man I loved the most.
But even after that I didn’t leave. I believed him that he was truly sorry and that it’ll never happen again.
We decided to get married anyways until the day when he came home from work, rushed into the living room and told me we need to cancel everything.
We talked about it the whole night and came to the point, that we really should cancel the wedding and take some time off. He went to live with his parents for a few days and I stayed at home.
After I heard what his parents were saying about me, I told him to come home right away. They called me a gold digger and everything.
They even said that the rape was either a misunderstanding or completely my fault.
They even said that to my face.
And my fiance? He just sat there and agreed with everything they said.
I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to leave.
I moved back to my mom.
Even though I still love him.
Right now… Everything feels like bullshit.
I’m completely hating myself for still loving him after what he did to me.
It feels like I’m never going to be able to be happy again