My past year. TW Sexual Abuse & Miscarriage

To be honest…
I really fought with myself thinking about if I should write this message or not.
But all the things that happened since December are so much that I feel like I’m drowning right now.

It all started when I met my ex fiance for the first time in August 2020. We had a great connection right from the start and began to date really quickly. Everything seemed perfect. We even planned moving in together and managed to get a place to live really fast.
I took care of my grandmother at this time, so I organized everything so that she wouldn’t be alone after I moved out.
My planed day of moving was December 16th.
On December 7th I found my grandmother dead on the bed. She passed away in her sleep.
Now I had a reason more to move away and finally at January 1st (after my grandmother was buried and everything) I moved in with my boyfriend at the time.

Everything seemed to be going a good way. I accepted that my grandmother wasn’t living any more, I got a new job and we even got engaged in March.
Then… At the beginning of May… I started to feel wierd. I thought my period was coming but I got surprised otherwise.
I was pregnant.
After the first shock, I couldn’t be happier. I thought I reached everything. A good home, a man I love and who I was going to marry, a job I loved and now even a baby.
I literally was the happiest I’ve ever been.
But this shouldn’t stay for long.
On June 23rd, I found out that I miscarried my sweet baby.
There was no heartbeat any more and I needed surgery. I lost my job and cried a lot.
But even after that I was kinda positive, because of the upcoming wedding in September.
God damn… How could I ever thought that my miscarriage would be the end…On August 13th (3 weeks before the wedding) everything changed. And until now I am not able to totally understand that it happened.
At this night I wanted to sleep with my boyfriend. Things went on and my mind completely slipped away and focused on other things. If the wedding is going to be great… What food we would eat… How the pictures turn out…
I wasn’t in the mood anymore and told my boyfriend.
He ignored and tried to turn me on again. I refused everything but he didn’t stop.
Long story short… That night I got raped by the man I loved the most.
But even after that I didn’t leave. I believed him that he was truly sorry and that it’ll never happen again.
We decided to get married anyways until the day when he came home from work, rushed into the living room and told me we need to cancel everything.
We talked about it the whole night and came to the point, that we really should cancel the wedding and take some time off. He went to live with his parents for a few days and I stayed at home.
After I heard what his parents were saying about me, I told him to come home right away. They called me a gold digger and everything.
They even said that the rape was either a misunderstanding or completely my fault.
They even said that to my face.
And my fiance? He just sat there and agreed with everything they said.
I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to leave.
I moved back to my mom.
Even though I still love him.
Right now… Everything feels like bullshit.
I’m completely hating myself for still loving him after what he did to me.
It feels like I’m never going to be able to be happy again

4 Likes

Hello there!

I’m glad you shared with us, I hope it brings a tiny bit of relief to share it, to put it down in writing and have your story seen and heard.
This has been quite the eventful year for you, friend, with many big incidents to process emotionally, mentally and even physically!

I am so sorry for all your losses - you grandma, your miscarriage, a relationship and new home you were so excited about, the violation of your body and your wishes, everything. This is so much to deal with, and I’m grateful and honoured that we can support you as best as we can through it.

First and foremost, please do not beat up yourself for this. It was loving relationship before, and you were very invested in a future together. It’s terrible what he did, but it doesn’t automatically kill all the other feelings you had. You were willing to work past it/understand and forgive him/ focus on the future. It is logical that your hopes for a happy future together would be based in love. I am so sorry that he betrayed you by hurting you and violating your wishes, and for further making it worse by pretending it didn’t happen. That sounds like gaslighting and it’s pretty awful stuff. Love doesn’t always follow logic, so you may know he doesn’t deserve your precious love, but it doesn’t make it go away.

You are going through so much at once, basically all the things from the past years has been tipped upside down, it is the most natural feeling, even logical, to feel this way! BUT this is not true, there will be a period of time where you have to do the hard work of grieving and working through those losses, of recovering from the physical pains and losses, and all the emotional burdens of these life changes. It’s not impossible, but please know that you deserve to be happy, to be safe and loved. You are worthy, and you have something great to share with the world. Your life has a purpose to it. Happiness will return someday.

Until then, please know that you did nothing wrong. And if he’s showing his true colours now, with the rape then lying about it, and his awful family too, then it may be your good fortune that you were able to break free from such a toxic environment where your wellbeing and rights are not taken seriously.

Do you have access to a therapist or counselor? it’s a lot to process, and a professional may be able to make the process a bit easier for you, and give you some new tricks to cope, and help ease the mental burden as well.

2 Likes

I´m thinking about going to therapy, but it´s a big step for me. I got the phonenumber of a good Therapist that´s specialized on the things I´m working on. Haven´t called yet, but probably will.

Thanks for all your nice words. I´m willing to believe them, even though my mind tells me different.

I shared my story because I coulnd´t kept quiet anymore.
I want to let people know, that they´re not alone.
And probably I just wanted to know that I´m not alone.

3 Likes

Hi Rinjimarou
Thank for sharing your story with us. I am truly sorry this had happened to you. Having your child miscarried, your boyfriend raping you, being called what you were called… that is a lot. I understand that those parents were trying to protect their child but WTF were they thinking calling you those names. Honestly fuck them. You deserve much better than this and honesty if your partner did what he did to you and then acted like the victim and agreed with his parents… I think you might be better of without him. Obviously I dont know him and you but he does not seem to be a good guy.

Going to a therapy might be a great choice. It can really help you. I hope the future holds better things in store for you and you can find somebody that truly loves you. You can get through this. Stay strong. :wink:

2 Likes

From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)

Thank you so much for sharing with us and trusting us with your story <3 You have had such a journey this past year and I’m truly sorry it came to such a heartbreaking end. You should certainly not hate yourself for still loving him. Love is complicated and even when it ends badly it leaves scars and pieces of itself behind. I have faith you will find your happiness again and move forward from this heartbreak and abuse. Stay strong :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

From: SuchBlue (Discord)

Hi there Rinjimarou. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Things… can take turns. And they can go downhill quickly. First, I am very sorry for you losing your grandma. Just that can be a lot, let alone all of what happened to you. Clearly him and his parents are not people you want to talk to, and unfortunately sometimes you only get to really know the person until it’s too late. They had no right to blame YOU for what HE did and that is one hell of a messed up family. A therapist sounds like the best option for you right now and I know it’s a lot to take in, process and recover but I believe in you!

2 Likes

Hi Friend, thank you for coming to HeartSupport, I am Lisa, and I am so incredibly sorry for the past year that you have had, I can completely understand why you would feel the way that you do, you must truly feel mentally and physically exhausted.I am thankful that you have come here and shared your story because it has given you the opportunity to get all of that out of your head and hopefully that is the first small step to moving forward. The past year has been one traumatic experience after the next, the passing of your grandmother must have been so dreadfully sad and I am so sorry for that, it must have been such a shock and one that would take a long time to recover from. Your partner raping you is another disturbing event that no one should have to go through, and I am appalled that your partner did not speak up when his family claimed it was your fault, I hope you truly know that is was never your fault? I am also so very sorry for the loss of your baby; I cannot imagine how agonising it is to go through something like that. I think with what you have encountered during the last 12 months I think you are so very strong. Friend please don’t hate yourself for anything, you have had these things happen to you not because of you, if anything you should love yourself more because you deserve it and because you had the strength to get out of a relationship that was bad for you, many don’t. Now its time to take care of you and learn to love the person that you are, learn from past experiences but don’t carry the baggage of them with you. You will be happy again and you will meet people that treat you with the respect that you deserve.I truly wish you well, I think your grand-mother would be very proud of you.Stay in touch with us here. Much Love Lisa.

2 Likes