I have been struggling with depression and acedia for around 2 years now. Around that time I entered into a new job that redefined my purpose and made me feel helpless, as the more I tried to succeed and manage my team, the more was dropped on our teams plate. Morale was low and despite my best efforts, there was much imposed on that was far outside of my control. I was simply told to suck it up and drive on. As a result I became very disillusioned and depressed. Over the course of the next year, I continued to try and shape what I could, but became conditioned to feeling helpless and beaten by the stressors of managing a team that looked to me for guidance through the hard times. I became detached, distracted, and it led me down a path that I am still trying to recover from. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years, started turning to going out and partying on the weekend, and forgetting who I was as an individual. In the never ending cycle, I would go out make mistakes - sleep with people, get blackout drunk, act like a fool - and then loathe myself for not having the judgement to make better decisions. I have since moved on from that job and location, but I am still battling the same vicious cycle and feel helpless to effect any change in my life. I was making progress on regaining my life and control over it, and then I most recently, made a choice about a month ago to sleep with a someone, when all the signs were pointing me that I should not. But I consciously made the decision in an act of desperation, and after we finished, she told me that I most likely just contracted herpes as a result. Over the last two weeks I have been feeling a tremendous amount of discomfort and even went to get tested, but the doctor could not give me a solid answer. I have been hating myself since making the decision to sleep with her, as I feel like my future is ruined. I feel embarrassed, disgusting, and afraid that no one will ever want to be with me again. I have been thrown back down into the canyon that I thought I had started to climb out of and now feel helpless to escape. Daily, I am reminded by the decision and it has made me numb to wanting to do anything, and I feel as if I can;t talk to anyone about this. I am losing control again and I have been trying to do this on my own, and its becoming harder to do it alone.
Firstly, thank you for sharing your struggles with the community here, as this is a big step towards signs that you are very aware of them and are strong enough to seek help. Which is amazing given that so many people have a hard time breaking from the denial of their past and mistakes, progloging the road to recovery with each day they refuse to look for help.
Secondly, it seems to me that your biggest problem is not the event in itself- what happened with that girl, but more with you battling a sense of regret over this longer period of you life. Regret is something we all have to deal with and it is painful to know you have made mistakes that lead to believe that your present could have been so much better. This is the definition of regret, actually. But you know what? Making mistakes is human and humaine and living with no regret is basically a sign of psychopathy which is clearl that you are not. You are human and you do have feelings and you are trying to repair your past. You cannot expect to no longer make mistakes from now on, but how you go about letting them torment you is the answer.
It feels like you are still young and all these things served you as big learning lessons into bettering yourself in the future. This is your path and your choices might teach you not just to do better in the future but maybe, some day, help someone who is in the same situation as you by, offering them some of you wisdom.
I am dealing with regret myself. Each day for ruining a relationship through the simple act of a text message I should not have sent one night when I was in a very bad mood. In my mind, that simple message made the difference between present me who is mildly miserable and potential me who might have still been with the guy I loved. But I cannot change what it was and neither can you. All you have to do is accept the regret but never let it shape you further.
I hope any of this made somewhat sense. Keep reaching out here more often- you’d be surprised how many of us are battling regret every day.
@sodahead94, thank you for your reply. It makes perfect sense and I appreciate you breaking it down for me. As much as I think about the situation, the more clouded by pessimism and regret it gets. What are some ways you have been able to overcome your regret?
@AquaVitae it makes me really happy that you feel some enlightment from my answer.
Now to answer your question, there are days when it’s easier and days when it’s terrible. How I have dealt with, firstly depends on letting time heal the wounds (as bad as it feels the human mind and soul are constructed to diminish any pain in time, it’s science) secondly, I am a big nerd and also a broke student so I can’t afford theraphy- but I would gladly encourage it. For me, the cheap solution was to read, read and read as much as I could get my hands on about regret, romance, life and stories of people who went through similar struggles as I did. The more you listen to others, the less lonely it feels.
I can reccomend you some useful TED Talks that I listen to feel better and some of these are by: Guy Winch (How to practice emotional first aid), Kathryn Schulz (Don’t regret the regret), Tracy McMillan (The person you need to marry) and many many others- just google regret Ted Talks and the internet is all yours.
Hope that helped. Feel free to pm me if you ever need a friend to talk to.
I watched the Kathryn Schulz TED talk. Thanks for the suggestion, it definitely helps frame the problem. Same goes for you, if you ever need a friend, I am here. Thanks again
I’m new here, and young, so i honestly cannot give you advice to your recent decisions. But know you are not alone. Don’t try to do this all on your own. We’re here, and we won’t judge you.
I’m not sure what state you live in, but depending on the state, last I checked, it’s illegal for someone not to disclose a disease with someone prior to having an intimate moment. You might want to check on that, if you’re interested in pursuing any legal action.
We all make mistakes; that’s a part of life. What matters is how we go about recovering from our mistakes. We have the choice to beat ourselves down or to learn from the mistakes that we made. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Respect what happened, and learn & grow from it. I’ve made devastating mistakes in the past, and, in the moment I thought I would never record, but alas, not only did I recover, but I’m a better man because of it. Hold fast. We believe in you.