In spite of suggestions from others on this platform to seek out mental health services, I have decided to continue posting here instead of making progress in that regard since said services have failed me multiple times before. Posting here seems to be my best option at this point in time due to its community, which seems to genuinely care about its members.
That all being said, this post has been made since my inability to understand how to feel about my anger has gone on too long for my liking, leading me to hope that hearing about others’ experiences with their own anger, if they are comfortable with sharing them, could help me comprehend how to feel about my own anger moving forward.
In order for any of that to happen, I now need to talk about why my anger crops up. The first reason is because I hate who I used to be – an inensitive, prejudiced, and cowardly bully who would do physical (e.g., bending a classmate’s finger backward for repeatedly cheating in a video-game, only for them to get yelled at) and emotional (e.g., mocking another person’s accent to goad them into giving me a reaction) harm to others on multiple occasions and not focus on anything except if I would face consequences for my actions during those moments. The second reason is as a result of feeling like I have no control over my life, as, for a few examples, I have been sent to a psychiatric ward without much say since my prior therapist was incompetent, and I am stuck in an abusive situation. The third and final reason is due to how I hate who I am – a confused individual who does not know whether they are an entitled, attention-seeking brat who uses their situation as an excuse to continue to express their anger in unhealthy fashions (e.g., hitting a table with a fist), despite said anger being used in ways that has hurt others in the distant past and could have hurt others in the near past, or an unhinged victim of circumstance who feels that expressing anger is the only way to maintain some semblance of control over a state of mind that routinely has the expressions of its emotions suppressed to survive.
I know neither who I am in this regard nor who I should become.