My Relationship With Anger Feels Too Complicated For Me to Understand

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In spite of suggestions from others on this platform to seek out mental health services, I have decided to continue posting here instead of making progress in that regard since said services have failed me multiple times before. Posting here seems to be my best option at this point in time due to its community, which seems to genuinely care about its members.

That all being said, this post has been made since my inability to understand how to feel about my anger has gone on too long for my liking, leading me to hope that hearing about others’ experiences with their own anger, if they are comfortable with sharing them, could help me comprehend how to feel about my own anger moving forward.

In order for any of that to happen, I now need to talk about why my anger crops up. The first reason is because I hate who I used to be – an inensitive, prejudiced, and cowardly bully who would do physical (e.g., bending a classmate’s finger backward for repeatedly cheating in a video-game, only for them to get yelled at) and emotional (e.g., mocking another person’s accent to goad them into giving me a reaction) harm to others on multiple occasions and not focus on anything except if I would face consequences for my actions during those moments. The second reason is as a result of feeling like I have no control over my life, as, for a few examples, I have been sent to a psychiatric ward without much say since my prior therapist was incompetent, and I am stuck in an abusive situation. The third and final reason is due to how I hate who I am – a confused individual who does not know whether they are an entitled, attention-seeking brat who uses their situation as an excuse to continue to express their anger in unhealthy fashions (e.g., hitting a table with a fist), despite said anger being used in ways that has hurt others in the distant past and could have hurt others in the near past, or an unhinged victim of circumstance who feels that expressing anger is the only way to maintain some semblance of control over a state of mind that routinely has the expressions of its emotions suppressed to survive.

I know neither who I am in this regard nor who I should become.

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I’m going to do a bit of speculating here. Correct me if I’m wrong. I’m going to try and distill the issues. You don’t like who you were. You don’t like who you are. You don’t have as much control of your life as you’d like. Perhaps the most important thing: you are angry with yourself and have been for a very long time.

You used to hurt others, now you’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting yourself because you hurt others.

Who are you? You’ve grown beyond being the person who hurt others. You still might hurt others unintentionally, as a result of unresolved anger, but still, your change has been remarkable.

Why do you still think of yourself as the person you used to be? It’s healthy to acknowledge that you’ve been an asshole in the past. It’s also healthy and necessary for continued growth in emotional intelligence and ability to cope, to face the fact that you’re less of an asshole now.

I think your self-directed anger has made you easily triggered into emotional outbursts.

If you wish to be a calmer, more nurturing person, you HAVE to forgive yourself. If you don’t, you’re locking yourself into patterns of thought that reinforce self-loathing, which in turn will keep you easily triggered.

BTW, there are far worse ways of expressing anger than hitting a table with your fist. If you do it to intimidate someone or force your will, that’s another story. Don’t do that.

One aspect of your life that you have 100% control of is your thoughts. Begin questioning them - why you’re thinking as you are. Much of what you’ve believed in the past may no longer feel true to you. When you look at what’s going on inside your mind and heart, do it as a very honest, no bullshit friend.

You’re in an abusive situation, and I suspect it’s been that way for as long as you remember. I think that’s what initially led you to be a bully, etc. It’s self loathing turned outward. You don’t need to do that any more.

You’ve no choice but to be patient, while remaining aware that you are 100% free in your thoughts. As time goes on, you will gain more personal freedom, in all probability no longer in an abusive situation.

I hope I’ve given you something to think about. Check back in and let us know how you’re doing. We can also exchange messages or talk on Discord if you want.

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you know that you don’t want to be like you were in the past.
a good first step is to forgive yourself.
who you were, does not matter now. the past is already done and we can not undo things. it has led to this point.
like your life has gone by, mine has gone by too. we booth are here.
what you can do, what is important is to live now. think now.
patience is incredibly hard, even harder with your background, your thoughts and issues, worries. but in the end,
you can do that. you control your mind. you want to change, and that is what matters now.
you are aware of so many things, now give it a try and manage them, write them all down and sort yourself a bit.
take care of your inner self, of your heart and mind. calm down from all of that, and give yourself some time to
heal and forgive yourself. one step a time.
@Wings has given you also many things to work with. it is worth a try. because trying is important.
you matter most and you are loved my friend :purple_heart: feel hugged

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Hi Friend,
I am so sorry that your experiences with mental health services haven’t left you feeling validated and heard. It is so frustrating to feel like those who are meant to help you aren’t even listening. I have a bit of experience with that myself. I really hope that you will continue to advocate for yourself and seek the help that you want or need. It can be so exhausting to keep trying and feeling like you’re getting nowhere. But please, friend, keep trying. You are worth the effort. You are so incredibly important and valued. Your feelings and your emotions toward your situation are valid.
It’s so hard to go through life looking in the rear-view mirror. To stay on a steady path forward we need to face the direction we desire to travel. I hope that you can find some grace for yourself.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and feelings here. We’re always here to support you. Keep us updated.

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From: Who.is

thanks for sharing your experience. I know everyone deals and goes through these things differently. Trauma led me to be a very angry and bitter person. I hated the thought of seeking outside help. I wanted to hold onto this hurt because it was a reminder to me that nobody was truely good and I wasn’t going to be safe. I don’t think I personally could have started to overcome those feelings alone. It led me to a very very dark time in my life. Saying that, it sounds like you’ve had bad experiences when you reached out for help. It’s not justifiable in my eyes that someone who is meant to be helping causes more harm. There are some very caring and very wonderful people though who are in professional positions who have helped me overcome and heal. I think being able to feel like I can claim back my control and what happens to me has been and is an ongoing journey. I hope that even if your journey starts here that you can start to feel you’re able to take back that control and start to love yourself for all you’ve overcome. You’ve recognised a need for change and that is a really wonderful step!

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, thank you so much for your post, from what you have written it sounds to me like you do really have a great understanding of your feelings, of why you get angry, what triggers you etc and the anger you get from lack of control of your life I can totally relate to as I have exactly the same problem except my anger only ever comes out in sarcastic or not so nice words thankfully. The main issue it seems is how to begin to control it as soon as you notice the trigger or divert away when you see a trigger looming and that my friend is something you really do need to talk to a professional about, we love to help and support you but we are not in a place to give you anger management and that would certainly be of help I think, however we would love be here to help whilst you get some help maybe to make things easier for you. I would love nothing more than to see you beat this. have a think about it. Much Love Lisa. x

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