My sexual assault and self harm

So… As you guys have seen, my activity on the support wall over the last little while has dropped from being her everyday to near enough not all… I’m sorry for that. I have been having a bit of a rough time with some things, trying to get my head around them and attempting to get back on track with my recovery.
I honestly wasn’t going to post this. I was going to keep it between me and my support group because I’m so fucking ashamed, but maybe this will help someone else come out and be honest. Who knows, right?
The last few weeks has been nothing but nightmares for me. Mostly about the sexual assault that happened at the start of this year, but, there have been 1 or 2 about some other things that made me realise a lot. So I thought anyway. I won’t go into detail but one of the stand out nightmares was one of myself committing suicide, and the aftermath of it. It was the worst nightmare I had ever had, the emotions from it felt so real, I woke up crying. That was right up until the most recent nightmare I had about the assault.
I don’t know why this one was so bad. It wasn’t any different to the others, but, at the same time, it was even more terrifying. Every single thing this guy did to me, he was doing to me all over again. Only this time he was threatening the people I loved most. Telling me that he would hurt them if I tried to escape or tell anyone… Threatening to hurt me even more if I didn’t give him what he wanted. I blamed myself then, and I blame myself now. If I hadn’t of stayed in that bed or just used even a small part of my brain to realise I shouldn’t have gone off alone, it probably would not have happened.
Most of you know I’ve managed to stay clean from both my addiction and self harm for a decent amount of time now, but I’m sorry. I relapsed and ended up cutting again for the first time in 57 days… I was 3 days off of getting to the longest I’d ever been free of my self harm and I blew it. I’m so, so sorry. Already I feel physically sick about the fact I can’t take this back, the suicidal thoughts are rolling in and I’m not sure how I’m going to get back on my feet from here.
I don’t ever ask because I have an awesome support group, but… some encouragement and outside support could really be of use and HIGHLY appreciated right now if anyone has taken the time to read this.

Hold Fast, because I didn’t.

Kayla there is no need for you to apologize about any of this, and there is no need for you to place the weight of what you did on yourself. You had a moment of weakness, as any other human would have had they been through the terrible situation you’ve been through. I may never be able to know or relate to exactly what you’ve been through, but I can tell you that we all have moments of weakness, whether we slip back into old patterns or into bad/harmful habits. You’re strong enough to be here now and to open up about it, anyone here will be glad to take that!

There is no need for apologies. None of this is your fault! It is your attackers! You have to deal with the aftermath. As for your cutting. Don’t see it as a defeat. You went 57 days! That’s amazing! And you can use that to fuel yourself to do better! Even if you only get 58 within the next time. That is still better. The road to recovery with something like that is so hard. When I was cutting I can’t even count how many times I stopped and relapsed. But, in the end. You are strong enough to defeat it. Just take steps and do things at your own pace. Admitting you needed to come here and need this help; proves you are strong enough to overcome it.

I’m sorry something so horrid had happened to you. I hope you find enough to cope with it. Just because you’ve relapsed doesn’t mean anything. You went through quite an ordeal and only somebody inhuman would have come through such without scars or an ordeal.

May healing, light & positivity come your way along with support.