I’ve been struggling with depressions and anxiety for quite a few years now, been in therapy, changed therapist, started a new one, currently am in therapy. I’ve quite a journey with my problems and on top of that i’m also a trans woman, who is struggling very hard with loneliness, isolation, i use to have severe agoraphobia and ptsd, especially during the beginning of my transition.
I’m currently at a very difficult time in my life, after things had gotten a bit better, but during the pandemic especially it’s been hard to make any further progress. I think the loneliness and isolation in my life are the two worst things, especially since i’m already mid 20’s now and never gotten to really live life and experience things like every other young woman my age, i’ve never had friends, because i would always get bullied in my early age, marginalized from social events etc. obviously because of being trans.
So i’ve been really lacking a social circle outside online and it was also a huge factor of my social anxieties and such later on, it’s not really as severe anymore, but there’s still a discomfort when you’re in a small place and trans, it’s very hard to find ppl i could actually connect to on a deeper level, i feel a bit misplaced where i live, but my financials are very limited… especially since i am trying to save for surgeries.
Which is also another point, surgeries… recently i was planning on getting my teeth fixed, which turned out it’s way more complex in my situation, because in my case a surgery is necessary to fix my jaw and that’s been causing me a lot of stress and anxiety, as the surgeon can’t tell me how that’s gonna look in the end, unless i start this whole process, only then they can apparently predict things which also probably isn’t 100% what it’s gonna look like. And that’s a huge problem to me for someone, who tries so hard to get away from the masculine and trying to feel comfortable in their body, because of the dysphoria and body dysmorphia i’m dealing with.
So the one reason that made me decide to write here was my best friend… Who i know for many years online and we once dated for a while, but the whole relationship between us has been extremely tumultuous and mentally draining. However at one point he was like changed, once we were only friends and something happened in his life that changed some things, we’ve been getting along very well and supported eachother ever since recently, when he told me that he’s in a relationship again. That really crushed me, because i still loved him, especially since he was so changed… i really cared and loved who he was and i always told him, i always wished he could just be here in my actual life, whenever i had a tough day and i came home, i could confide in him and he’s never made me feel wrong for feeling all that…
Today after days of me crying about it and sharing how i feel, we argued again for the first time and he’s kind of like the person he use to be, who can only ever listen to himself and becomes rude, abrasive, dismissive etc. I wish he could hear my side and understand how much it hurts to have someone you really wanted in your life and shared that with them everyday for years, to just move out of the picture like that. It’s taking a huge toll on my mental health lately and i feel so indifferent about doing anything in life anymore… Alone the thought of living knowing the one person you truly cared for to exist in your life, because they were the comfort that made life bearable in the end… it’s devastating.
I probably won’t find the advice for that part specifically… I always found it hard to give advice for relationships anyways, i think you’ve kinda had to be there throughout that journey, to really have an idea what the best words could be, the best support or crutches for the person to slowly get better again. I just feel crushed… and i wish i could change this thing in life that i obviously have no control over… and it overwhelms me… my whole future overwhelms me… my life feels like it’s been turned around and i have a strong wish for death many times… my drive for life disappeared through that recent situation.
It feels like that in my life i keep losing, i keep having negative experiences, irl, online, i experience so many disappointments and rejection and i’m missing out on life, because of that… Sadly i am still a taboo topic very often, it’s hard for me to just do what everyone else is doing, because the options are more limited for me… Sadly there’s no huge market for trans ppl… haha
I think that i might search for someone i can just talk to… maybe this is the reason i am even writing all that… because it’s hard for me meeting ppl, as i have quite a lot to share for an introduction… but i also feel so desperate and hopeless and sad, i feel really devastated and heartbroken… It’s like i reached a point where i just wanna give up…