First of all I don’t even know if this page has a character limit. I want to tell a really long story so everyone understands where I am coming from and where I am now to help me with what the future may hold for me. Also this is basically about 3 phases in my life. I think I’ll just go ahead with it and if there is a character limit I will split it into multiple parts!
I want to start with a little back story before we get into phase one. Phase one starts in 2008 and before that I always fell in love with the wrong girls. Looking back they all turned me down and secretly made fun of me since I couldn’t forget about them. Up to this point there were about 4 or even 5 girls I fell in love with where it didn’t work out at all.
So in 2008 I graduated from secondary school and went on to a college to get my entrance certificate for university while also doing an apprenticeship in chemistry at the same school as a bundle if you will. Back then I was 16 or I just turned 17. In secondary school I have been bullied like hell. The worst oft he worst. But that isn’t the topic here. On this new school I was given the chance of a fresh start. In my class there was a girl who could be called a wallflower. Natural, no make-up at all and cheap and worn clothes. Really shy and insecure. It wasn’t hard to tell that she went through a similar thing in secondary school like me. I can’t tell what it is but natural women like her really stand out to me. It wasn’t really love on the first sight but more likely love on the third sight. I can’t tell what it was but it didn’t take long form e to know that she was the one. I was even able to smell her pheromones which drove me completely crazy. Something like that never happened before and also never happened again until today.
About a week or so later I walked up to her after our laboratory class (it was helping that our material closet was right where she was sitting) and I asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks like a few days later when the last lesson oft he day has been cancelled. The big mistake wa sthat I didn’t have the courage to ask her out and so I told her that others would be coming as well and if she would like to join. She accepted.
On that day I had to tell her that the others won’t be coming and if she wants to go to Starbucks anyway. Still not saying that I didn’t have the courage to simply ask her out if you will. We went there and it was going great I think. We talked a lot and we had a few similarities like movies or reading books. I am a gamer while she wasn’t though. Afterwards we went tot he book store and the electronics stor etogether. I brought her back to the station and it was her who asked for my phone number. I happily gave it to her.
My feelings for her got really strong already by that point and I just wanted to get the point where we would get together over with which would be the hardest part for me by a long shot. I am really having a huge issue to talk to girls I have feelings for or who could be potential partners. I feel like they know exactly what I want and the moment that happens they would judge me for it.
So 2 days later I took her tot he side during school and this must be the bravest thing I ever did. But I was certain that she ist he right one… I told her that I have feelings for her and that I would love to get together with her. I don’t know what I said exactly but it was something nice and my whole body was overflowed with adrenalin. She was completely overwhelmed and told me that no one ever said something that beautiful to her. But obviously she wanted some time to think about it.
We met for a few more times the coming weeks. One time after school we went to Mr. Chicken and had a burger. I asked her if she had a boyfriend before and she told me that she had one but that didn’t end too well. She told me that he did things during sex that she didn’t want but she never told him. I was pretty sur ethat she implied that he kind of raped her at least to some degree. At some point we were learning for a difficult subject at her home. Later that day I went ahead and asked her again how things are going. Up until that point things have been alright. I kind of expected to kiss her in the next 30 seconds and then she said that she doesn’t have any feelings for me whatsoever. Right when she said it I had a feeling like someone just split my forehead with a battle axe.
She recognized that she hurt me a lot and tried to correct her mistake by adding a …yet.
From there it all went pretty much downhill. I wasn’t able to keep my eyes off of her in class for mor ethan 10 seconds in a row. We started to write letters in class which others had to forward back and forth between us. Everyone basically knew what was going on. On top of that I asked for chatting details of everyone in the class and back at home literally the first thing I did was asking everyone for help as soon as they added me. This was a very terrible move of me but I didn’t know what to do.
A few months later in laboratory there was a situation which I am not proud of but which also was a big change for my popularity in class. A female friend said something offending to me as a clear joke and I played the angry one and pretended to hit her in the stomach. Hold your breath! I am not a guy who hits women at all. I would never hurt women on purpose! However she actually staged that she was in huge pain and of course most of the class saw what happened.
Again a few months later I staged a letter to convince her to give me a chance. I discussed it with a friend and how to best approach it. I ended up writing a letter for her where I would express my deepest feelings for her. Then we staged it in a way that I printed it and handed it over to my friend. The next day in lunch break she showed her the letter and when we walked into the next class she turned around and she smiled at me like never before. My friend told me that she cried while reading the letter and really thought about giving me a chance for real. A day later I sent her a message because my friend told me about the situation and she turned me down again.
We go fast forward a bit now. For quite a while there was silence between the two of us. Near the end of the school year I hit her up again with a letter and suggested that we met up again. I wanted to keep being friends with her. That was partially true but also I wanted to show her a bit more of myself so it might end up being a relationship after a while. Who knows.
We spent the day at my place and I almost asked her if I can kiss her. But I didn’t. I was afraid of being turned down again. We went out for a walk that turned out to be about 3h long and we talked the whole time. Everything seemed to be fine.
The next day was in the second last week of the school year I think. In that week it was a tradition that the school holds a soccer tournament. I asked her if she wante dto go there with me together which worked out. After the tournament was done something really bad happened. We were at a bus station together with a couple out of our class who were friends with me back in the day. That girl started to rub rosehips on my back under my shirt. She wouldn’t stop so I grabbed her finger and with a silent and cold voice I told her that I would be breaking her finger if she doesn’t stop. In front of my love interest of course. Later I could tell that she was totally terrified of that situation. I never would have broken her finger I promise. Also I am no psychopath but I know how to act like one so…
From what I can remember this was the last day we spoke to each other. However the story doesn’t end right there at all. Full of grief because I have been turned down and my feelings being so strong for her I started imagining how it would be if we would be a couple. Don’t worry I am a total softie and those peaks of violence from before… Let’s call them unfortunate. While being bullied in secondary school a lot of hate was bulding up inside of me. But I was still a rational thinker at any point in time. I would never have done anything to my love interest. I even hesitated to touch her at all since I associated her perfection with fragility if that makes sense.
My popularity in class was dropping down more and more and I was even bullied again. Even by the people I had a good relationship with and who partied with me in the first year. Two girls in the first year even kissed me on a party because we were kind of close friends and now turned against me. From todays view they were totally right and I was wrong. But I want to keep telling the story.
So my love interest went from the shy and insecure outsider to the alpha female within the second year I would say. She still kept being who she was before but all the girls loved her.
When we were in the laboratory in the second year I eavesdropped a conversation between her and two friends. Well I learned to listen well during the time where I have been bullied and so I couldn’t help but notice. She was in a relationship now. According to her someone talked to her at a bus stop and then she met him again at a party and then they got together just like that. All I was thinking was “Are you kidding me? That easy?”. One day I went up the subway escalator before school and I saw how she kissed her friend. I felt a really strong pain in my heart and I almost collapsed. I ended up asking a friend to ask her to do it somewhere else. I wasn’t angry that she is with someone else but I didn’t want to see it for obvious reasons. I never saw them kissing at the station again.
At the soccer tournament of the second year she asked a friend of mine to take a picture of her with her phone. I saw how he didn’t want to take a picture at all but instead scrolled through her files. She realized it and took the phone away from him. He joked that he was looking for nudes. She said that he already got to the pictures folder instead of denying it… Her boyfriend ended up coming after work to pick her up and they kissed briefly. I guess that was some kind of “She’s mine and will never be yours so leave her alone” move.
A few weeks into the third year there was the same eavesdropping situation like last time. This time I heard about her break up where he clearly didn’t care about her at all anymore and just threw her away.
She always had a little trouble with the learning material and so she started to meet our muscular “sexmachine” guy who was pretty good in school by the way. But hey. He told me that she wouldn’t be uinteresting for him sexually so what could go wrong.
For a project in German we had to do a commercial. She did some swiss army knife kind of thing and played a teacher in a short movie together with a friend. Mr. Sexmachine commente dthat he would go bonkers if she would be his teacher… I can’t tell if they were having sex at that point for real or if they just wanted to annoy and hurt me with it.
A few weeks later I heard her asking something about two different acids and which one would be more aggressive in the lab. Of course she guessed the wrong one even if it is basic knowledge at that point in the apprenticeship. I guess they really only had sex and didn’t learn together at all.
During our final practical exam both her and Mr. Sexmachine were in my group. Normally you hand in a printed report for every lab experiment but for the final exam we had to write it by hand on site. She sat on the desk in front of me and he sat at the table behind me. At some point he said to her that she can tell him if shee needs sex to relax. Obviously to distract me from writing the report and to overreact or something. She looked back totally ashamed.
Apprenticeship done. We were at our graduation party and afterwards we went to have a drink together. It must have been an hour or so when I decided to stand up walk up to her and tell her goodbye and let her know that it was an honor to get to know her. I walked off without looking back. I thought that chapter can come to a close like that.
But the story still continues further. I am still imagining to be together with her up until today by the way… I am not proud of that but it is convenient. It gives me a really good feeling when I think of her being near me. And it helps me to find sleep better. I know that I need to get rid of that to be able to move on… But I don’t know how to get out of it at all. Once and for all since every time in the past I had a bad experience with a girl again I use those feelings and imaginations as a backup plan to feel good again. I guess part of me also doesn’t want to feel alone since 95% of those thoughts are consisting of cuddling soft kissing and comforting her. Again this is probably not the real her. Just my imagination of how she could be based off of the first few weeks when I met her and developed in a way I would have liked her to be.
Alright. Back to the actual story. We have two bigger events on the list which hurt me a lot.
I can’t tell the exact year this happened anymore. Maybe we are in 2012 now. A very good friend and I decided to open a warez board on our own. We offered everything you can think of. Movies, series, games and also porn. As an admin I obvioulsy had to check on the porn for quality assurance reasons.
There was a German guy who ran an amateur porn website consisting out of pictures. Actually from what it looked like those were vacation pictures with a few nudes among them.
A czech family completely naked on a vacation, actual teenagers (maybe underage) being in summer camp and doing oral sex upstairs after their overseer left while others in the room were relaxing like they don’t even care about that fact.
And then I opened the next folder. Literally the first picture was my love interest almost naked with only a swimming slip on or whatever posing at a tropical beach. Trust me. I observed her 3 years every day in school for 6-8 hours (as creepy as that sounds). I am 110% sure that it was her on that picture. What are the chances? First I was shocked that she would show herself like that in public. It was completely contrary to what I believed of her up until that point. And secondly I was hurt that someone just leaked those pictures. And let me tell you that her body was absolutely flawless. Among the next couple of pictures she was sitting in a bathtub on 2 of them completely naked and playing with foam forming a crown on her head and presenting it. While the first pictre seemed to be taken with a professional camera those seem to have been taken with a phone by her friend. The rest of the pictures were regular vacation photos. However! And this is the really strange part. The girl on those other pictures wasn’t her at all. But I am 100% sure about the beach and bathtub ones. I deleted the pictures at some pint because it didn’t feel right. However right know I wish that I wouldn’t have deleted them to look at them again because… Well I never got to see her like that and because of my feelings for her. I know that this isn’t right at all but I am only human you know…
Ok last thing on the list. Another few years later I walked into a store and she was walking past me. It took me a few seconds before I turned around and realized that it was her. Glasses gone and she was wearing really expensive clothes like she would either earn A LOT or would have a sugardaddy. That kind of clothes. Either way things seemed to have been going great for her which I was happy about. On the way out my mother stopped by the pharmacy to pick something up and that moment she walked out of the store and saw me. From what it looked like she thought that I would be waiting for her and that I would essentially stalk her. She looked like she was scared to death and also went into the pharmacy and acted like she would grab something to read the back so I would go away. I turned around and saw her through the shop window. I realized that if I would say anything this would turn into a total desaster for me in that situation. So I decided to not say anything and turned around again. When I was back in the car I saw how she was coming out and talking to someone on the phone. She literally had a Note something. The model that was current back then. So kind of the most expensive phone on the market even if she was so poor before. I felt good for her but it also hurt me big time to see her being so scared of me.
I would never have hurt her physically at all and I just didn’t know how to deal with her denial. Her becoming so popular and… powerful in school. So confident. And in that very moment it was all back to square one and she looked extremely shy and insecure again. Sure it was about me frightening her with my presence and based on what happened between us. But still I find it fascinating and honorable that in principle she never really changed inside.
I believe a part of me can’t let her go because I can’t make things right again. I have another girl where I can’t get things right anymore but this is certainly the story with the biggest impact.
I would love to hear some thoughts on this story. Also some tips on how to forget the feelings for the fake-her. Please don’t hate on me. I was young and dumb and I handled the situation poorly because I didn’t know how to help myself based on my strong feelings for her. From today’s point of view I would handle things a lot different than back in the day.
Thank you for reading up to this point! It is 1a.m. over here so I will stop for now. It would be great if we could discuss the story a bit and then I will move on to telling phase 2. Don’t worry. It gets a lot better in phase 3/ the past 3 years!
Thank you guys!
It’s good that you decided to share all of this.
I’d like to address some of your comments right now.