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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to BLACK by PearlJam
My wife left me after 19 years. i have two children and no idea how to carry on. I couldn’t even listen to the whole song, just broke my heart and hurts too much
I am so sorry to hear that happened to you! I cannot imagine the grief and anger you are experiencing. Your partner and lifeline gone-- all of a sudden you are a single parent. You have to keep showing up for your kids even though you are grieving. You carry an invisible weight they can’t see. As they are having big emotions too, you choose to stay strong for them to get them through it. You take more and more on that it is just too much to bear, the weight is too heavy, You have no idea how to carry on.
You haven’t processed for yourself, that your 19year relationship is over and you are also helping your kids process. The emotional toll that would take would be huge.
This song cuts so deep because it describes that feeling of dark after the light seems to be quenched. Thankfully, when the darkness consumes its an in between space that gives the light a space to shine. Your light will shine again and I believe it will!
The feeling of blackness and darkness can be terrifying. There’s a sense of numbness that takes turns with panic and despair. We doubt we can go on and the thought of it is overwhelming. After so many years with someone we wonder how to go on because life looks so different now. Your family has changed and you are overwhelmed with responsibilities. The thought of your future is paralyzing because of all these feelings. Perhaps you wonder how you can be strong enough for your children when you can barely process this yourself.
When I’ve been overwhelmed to the point of doubting if I could ever go on, I had to focus on the smallest step possible. What can I do just the next minute. Not two days from now. Just the next minute. Over and over I said”just the next step” and only focused on that. Each step gave me courage for the next until it grew and grew and eventually built momentum.
I appreciate you reaching out. We aren’t meant to bear these burdens alone. I want you to know that you have support here and people rooting for you. You are not alone and you are loved. Keep reaching out —one breath, one step at a time.
I am so deeply sorry that you are having to go through this. I am sending you a hug, my friend. When a marriage ends, it is hard to know where to step next, but it is even harder to do that when you have kids involved because now all three of you are going through a big transition period. I’m sure that there are days where you are not able to show your kids the pain that you are going through because you are wanting to be strong for them and make sure that they are getting what they need from you.
My dad had this happen to him after 21 years of marriage, but even though we were older and only one of us was still in school, there were still days where he wasn’t sure what to do. He was able to figure out how we were going to be able to get to our jobs and started to pick up the pieces that were left, but I could still see how much he was hurting.
Grieving a relationship is so difficult and not a lot of people talk about it. It seems that we are all just expected to continue on with our lives as if something didn’t come in and wreck everything that was built previously. It is normally something that we do by ourselves and it can be during those moments of being alone that the darkness will start to come in. 19 years is a long time to be with someone and that grief doesn’t just go away overnight. There is a lot of change that is happening for all of you and I am sure there are a lot of emotions that are coming to the surface from all of you as well. Having to manage and understand your own emotions can be tiring, but having to help your children learn how to manage and understand their emotions as well during this time, I’m sure is exhausting.
Something that I appreciate about my dad when we was going through this similar situation was, he didn’t lock himself away and leave us to fend for ourselves. He let me know that he was trying to adjust and that it wasn’t an easy task for him at first. He knew that everything was going to be different, but we all still sat at our dinner table every night that we were all home. My dad was able to figure out how to carry on and so will you. It may not be today or right now, but you will. You will find what works best for you and your kids and together you will all be able to move forward. The darkness doesn’t last forever, your light will be able to shine again and it will shine brighter than it was before!