Hey there!
First off, I just want to say thank you for being open with us here, we appreciate it, we don’t take it for granted.
I am so sorry for you loss, I personally have not lost someone with this relation, but I do know loss very well.
I can’t even begin to think how terrible it must feel to lose someone in this way, especially in this relationship.
At this time, all of my grandparents have passed on. It has been a tough ride, please know it is ok to grieve, to be emotional. Something my mom has told me that has helped is “it’s ok to cry”. I think that can be comforting in some aspects, especially when those around you do not show grief openly.
Loss is so so hard. Dealing with the emotions it brings is so hard to begin, sometimes it just feels easier to stay sad, to stay complacent with thoughts and feelings; that is totally understandable. It is understandable to bury emotions, sometimes it is easier that way, or so it seems. I think a lot of people take this route of burying it down, keeping it inside, you are not alone in that.
Although it can be tempting to keep things inside, it is not always the best. When I was 14 up until probably 19 I was so depressed out of my mind, I didn’t talk about it, I kept it all inside, then one day things changed- I started to be open with loved ones, with friends, with colleagues, and I have learned a lot of them have been through the same kind of things as me, they have had the same kind of thoughts and feelings as me, they have had the same kind of losses that they had to grieve. I think it is good to know you are not alone, although I have not lost the same relationship as you, you are not alone in this.
It takes time and work to feel okay. I believe that you can work through this, I believe things can get better. I cried a lot through all my loss, I talked about it, acknowledged how I felt, it is still not easy, but it’s better. Sometimes it helps me to remember the good times we had, the holidays, the barbeques, the vacations- it can be heart wrenching at times but I think it is helpful in some ways, for me at least, to remember those times. It is good to have things to remember people by, it is helpful to remember that even though we are not together on this earth, they are with us in spirit.
Friend, please know you are not alone in this journey. I am glad music has been an outlet for you, I hope it continues to be. Please know that we are always here to listen, always here to be a shoulder to lean on. There are people who’ll listen, and people who care. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Things will get easier, happiness will come again.
Much love,
Lys