From blox5680: Just when I thought things were getting better everything went bad again.
I’m really sorry to everyone, I don’t know why I can’t fix this feelings. I am so worried that my mom would get sad due to seeing me like this.
Meanwhile I see as my Friends have it 10x times worse than me. I am seriously pathetic. Part of me really wishes that I could go through all of that pain and abuse as they all do, I feel like I deserve it more, or rather they don’t deserve it at all while I must go through all that pain. I’m deserving of pain nothing else but pain.
I lack any willpower, it’s like I’m alive just to consume resources, perhaps the best solution would simply just end myself silently. I am sorry, I’m just at the edge of returning to self harm. I’m so sorry to my mom and to everyone
hey friend,
i’m really glad you’re here and can open up about the things that weigh heavy on your heart. i’m so sorry things have gotten bad again - it’s such a horrible feeling when we begin to notice an upwards trend in life but then it falls back down…. sorta like a rollercoaster. please don’t feel like you need to apologize for anything, you absolutely are not alone in these feelings and facing similar challenges.
when it comes to comparing our pain with other’s pain, sometimes that can become more heartbreaking than helpful. no one deserves pain or abuse and that includes you, my friend. you’re a fellow human with a heart made to give and receive love and a mind capable of incredible things. so when you look at your friends who care so deeply for you, i bet it would be healing for both parties to be there for each other rather than fall to despair. let that empathy and care for others drive you, you have infinite value and worth!! please know that you will be in my thoughts as you continue your journey and care for that wonderful heart that beats resiliently despite it all. please keep us updated on how you’re doing, my friend, you matter!
love,
twix
Well, that’s a lot to be dealing with for sure. But, you know, I don’t think anyone can really “fix” feelings; cause…you know…that’s how we feel. And it is Ok to feel. And, to me, you seem to really care about others; and in my experience, caring does tend to lead to more feelings. And there is nothing wrong with that. Just remember as you care about others, it is really important to realize to care about you! You matter and, no, you don’t “deserve” such. You are valuable.
Oh friend. You are not pathetic, not even one bit, and you have nothing to apologize for, really. What you are going through is obviously heavy and raw, and you don’t need to have it worse than others for your pain to be valid. You know, a lot of people have a depression for example while in their life things are objectively going well. They have a nice family, a job they like, loving friends… and yet they see life painted in dark tones and have a hard time feeling joy. And as they realize that they struggle but can’t grasp why, they feel bad and guilty for feeling bad in the first place. It adds a layer of guilt onto a situation that is already painful. I’ve been there myself, stuck in this vicious cycle, and it’s an awful place to be.
Although what we need the most during those times of struggle is a lot of patience, grace and kindness from ourselves. There is no blame to put on your shoulders for having a rough time. You are a human being, and hell we all know here how challenging it can be to even just exist. You are allowed to not feel okay even if there doesn’t seem to be “good reasons” for it. And you are allowed to say it. Because what you are going through, how you think and the way you feel is so very important, my friend.
I’m thankful that you chose to speak up and share your voice here, especially as it felt wrong and particularly challenging. You are allowed to take up space and express yourself. I hope that since you’ve posted here, you managed to breathe deeply and take care of yourself, as much as possible. If at any point you are considering hurting yourself, please do not hesitate to reach out to crisis hotlines as well. It’s okay to ask for help. You are never a burden for doing so. 
Hey Blox,
I’m hearing what you’re saying and I hope you know that these words, emotions and feelings are 100% valid. It’s okay to have dark moments where everything feels overwhelming and bleak. You aren’t alone in experiencing those feelings.
Please don’t ever believe you are deserving of pain, because nobody is! Comparing your own struggles to that of others, doesn’t make your pain any less. It’s a unique attribute to yours, and it matters deeply. Your worth is not determined by the challenges you face or the pain you endure.
It’s okay to reach out for help and support. Like any mom, your mom loves you dearly and cares so much about your safety and well-being. Yes, she may feel sad witnessing the struggles you face, but you just need to remember that ultimately all that matters to her is your happiness. Opening up to her or seeking professional help can be a crucial step towards healing.
Self-harm is not the answer, and you deserve better. You are worthy of love, happiness, and peace. I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust or a mental health professional who can provide you with the support and resources you need. You are stronger than you realize, and there is hope for brighter days ahead.
Take it slow, whilst remembering that you are worthy, loved and valued
With Love
EvilGenius