So i went over my grandma’s house a few hours ago and my grandma said to me in a eerie voice
You’ll always be my little girl, i felt nauseated and uncomfortable, then yelled at me saying that I can’t be alone in my house because i have schizophrenia. I was already having terrible depression, and the weather today was hectic and horrible, so i was in pain. And my grandpa was saying rude remarks saying that someone should cut off my leg with a chainsaw. (T.W.)
When i got home. I called grandma and she yelled at me some more. Making my depression even worse.
Hey friend!!
Welcome to HeartSupport! I’m so happy you found the community and I’m glad that you shared what’s going on in your life!
Know that you found a community that has and will welcome you with open arms. With people that have zero judgment of the things that you may be dealing with in life - it’s our mission to help each other out.
I think ti’s important to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself in the sense of know that if you’ve been depressed, and that there may be people in your life that can amplify that state of mind, to limit your exposure to them. It can be hard to do in several cases, such as the case with family and some friends. However, your happiness, your fullfilment and your well being matters.
If you don’t already, make time to do things that you look forward to doing. It could be anything beneficial like taking a walk, playing a video game you like, calling and talking to a friend you can trust.
I hope this perspective helps a little bit.
Again, welcome to heart support. Stay strong my friend. You got this!
Welcome, Leave_out_all_rest! I’m so glad you’ve found our community!
It is difficult when you have your struggles that you’re working on, and family members are supporting you in the way you need. They make you feel uncomfortable. They yell at you. They say rude things. This makes your struggles so much worse. It is very hurtful to be treated that way. You don’t deserve to have people, who are supposed to be your family, make things worse. They aren’t able to recognize that how they treat you is a detriment to you. I hope that they will listen to your needs if you choose to tell them how they act makes you feel.
I hope the weather is better today than it was yesterday. If there’s anything else you’d like to share, please don’t hesitate to reach back out here.
Hold Fast!
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Here’s the thing though my grandpa , grandma and the vast majority of my family members just don’t care about me. And since the vast majority of them don’t care and hate me for no reason, are just toxic waste and have a toxic people. I don’t need them at all. I don’t expect them to listen to me they’re not even worth my time and energy anymore anyways.
As for the weather it’s definitely better than yesterday by a long shot.
And I’m glad to be apart of this community.
I’ve been through a lot of terrible things in my life,
22 years ago I Lost my dad to suicide 
, when my dad died, i felt like i lost my mom as well, for years she has been in and out of hospitals and pych Wards. Quite a few years later i was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I’ve been told that I’m crazy, a lier, possessed, was bullied relentlessly throughout all my years of school, 9 years ago a was molested by a much older man that was high up in the ward at the time, i tried alcohol once my freshman year to temporary numb how i felt. For 13 years, I was molested by my own grandpa. 4 years ago my grandpa attacked me and almost unalived me. 10 years ago I tried to unalive myself. I had depressive system as a kid , but wasn’t diagnosed until several years later.
Last night i had a dream that i filled a bathtub full of water to drown myself, once i was in the tub i suffocated myself til i stopped breathing, and then everything went completely dark and there was nothing, then there was this empty room filled with blood, and then darkness. And then the bathtub, my cold body still inside the tub. The tub is now in a dimmly light metal room, the tub somehow got drained til there was only a little bit left, then there was a metal cart on the top of the metal slab there was a syringe i picked it up and stuck the liqud in and then i was no more. Then darkness, then I woke up sweating.
(T.W.)
I’m in pain every day, I’ve tried to unalive myself several times off and on for years, and again yesterday and several times a fews months ago this year, and I tried to drown myself in a river a few weeks ago this month, I’m done, on one will miss me anyways, eating is difficult.
Yesterday my Mom was forcing me to eat way too much food, when i wasn’t even hungry, I felt like i didn’t even have a choice, so to make my Mom happy, i shoved all of the food that she forced me to eat. I felt disgusting, gross, and thought to myself, she’s trying to kill me, and it only gets worse from there, then my Mom told me that if i don’t go back to the way i used to be that I’m not going to be able to see my dad again, and then she started talking about the world going to end, that Jesus is coming and that everyone will kneel before him, and my Mom told me that I’m going to burn in hell forever because of how i dress and the music that i listen to. And then my Mom said that she is better than me, because her meds are working. And my Mom told me that I should unalive myself.
From how you describe it, it sounds like your family is doing more harm than good. You grandfather physically hurts you. Your mom doesn’t understand how your situation is different than hers, and she wants to force you to change into someone you’re not.
With how your family treats you, it makes sense to feel like no one is on your side or listens to you. Because they don’t take your experiences seriously, you have no where to find relief for your struggles. You’ve tried several coping mechanisms in the past, even attempted to end your life to stop the pain you feel.
For what it’s worth, I don’t believe how you dress or the music you listen to will condemn you. They are only ways that you’ve found that helps you express yourself. You connect to your music for a reason. The music understands how you are feeling. It can talk about very real things that people would not talk about. I’ve been learning about metal music over the past year, mostly from HeartSupport’s YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@HeartSupport), and it makes sense that people connect to this style of music. It’s important to talk about the things that are hurting us. It’s important to have people that will listen to that hurt. It’s important to know that you are not alone in that hurt. It’s important to know that there is hope to pass through the hardships that life gives you.
You are worthy to find people in your life that will support you in the way that you need. You are worthy of the journey it takes to find the best treatment for your depression.
Take Care. I believe you will find the healing you need.