My mom and me have a pretty good relationship. We get along great most of the time, but she has short temper. I get yelled at a lot, which is pretty damn stressful, considering I suffer from really bad conflict anxiety.
But yesterday was worse. I was trying to get some work done, but couldn’t really focus, for god knows what reason. Instead of helping me, she yelled at me, to the point I teared up. After she left the room again, I locked myself into the bathroom, like I always do when I have my little breakdowns and tried calming down. Suddenly, she started banging against the door, shouting really loud through it. I was terrified.
On my way down, my dog crossed paths with me at some point, but I flinched so hard at her movement, thinking it was my mother. My mom then started screaming at me, telling me she wants everything done by tomorrow (which is today.). The moment, she left again, I started shaking and crying really hard, almost having a panic attack. I flinched and jumped at every movement around me, thinking it was her, coming back to shout at me again, for not being fast enough.
She eventually calmed down again, but I was still so fucking scared. And I still am. One wrong move, and I’m scared she will blow up again.
I’ve also been feeling kinda sick for the past few days, but today is worse as well. I feel so nauseous, I can’t really sit anymore, without the feeling of vomiting. When I told her, I was told to “suck it up”.
I feel terrible. So fucking terrible and scared.
Geez…to live in constant terror…which cripples your ability to do whatever checklist of things will ostensibly “get you out of trouble”…to only anticipate that because you’re bent over in fear and nausea that you’ll be sideswiped by another assault on your psyche…man, it’s just this vicious cycle…yell -> fear -> crippled -> underperform -> yell -> fear, etc. And to feel like your mom believes that it’s all your fault, that she is not playing into the spiraling of this cycle…it compounds the issue with shame and blame and gosh just a brutally oppressive environment. Your heart needs a safe place to land, but it feels like you have nowhere, no one…you’re alone, you’re terrified, you’re stuck, you’re sick, you have no idea what to do or where to go to just catch your breath.
I’m so sorry friend.
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