Hi, my name is Nick, I am 23, and I am having problems with self-worth, motivation and trying to get help. I have never been able to love myself for who i am.
About a couple years ago, a relationship i had for almost 3 years ended with who i thought was the love of my life. It ended while she was in a different state and i was told over the phone. I feel as though i never got proper closure and i still cant seem to get over that girl. That was the only relationship i had ever been in. The reason was i couldnt commit to move to a different state with her and this problem was a elephant in the room for a long time until finally she went to california for an internship and realized her life was better without me in it. I have never been good at “talking” or flirting with women and when i try i get no where with it and it oftens ends up with my throwing a pity party in my head that night and gets my confidence go even lower than before. I just find that i cant be myself around girls i meet over the fear that im going to be judged and the self-loathing will continue and the motivation will continue to plummet. It’s like when i start to get some confidence, the next moment I self-loath, it almost feels like home in my mind. I’m at a point right now where i dont even feel like trying and i have this fear that i will be alone the rest of my life. I just dont know where to find the self-confidence i need in myself to just be myself around everyone.
Hi Nick, welcome here!
Well, you just did something to help yourself by sharing. Collecting your thoughts, how you feel and sharing it can be a powerful action and the very first step towards healing. So, thank you for sharing, and thank you for being here. 
I’m so sorry to hear about this relationship that ended in such difficult circumstances. Even if it’s been a couple of years ago, it’s a loss that you are experiencing in your life and it can take some time to overcome it, also to deal with how it has affected you through the years. I can only imagine that you felt rejected for who you are. And that conclusion can be very destructive. Indeed, it can affect the way you perceive yourself, your worth and, by extension, your self-confidence. I think it makes totally sense to have those fears that you mentioned. Our personal stories can be destabilizing to us. But it doesn’t mean things can’t be changed.
I want to remind you something: you have worth. You matter. And even if this person left before, it was their own choice and their loss.
You won’t be alone for the rest of your life, friend. There are some fears, some obstacles to overcome right now. But you will manage to handle this. Sometimes, when we need to learn “how to… something” and we have no clue how to start, it helps to seek for some professional help, like therapy or counseling. Did you have the occasion to give it a try already, since this breakup you mentioned? There are plenty of therapies based on concrete steps, exercises to practice to regain some self-confidence, to learn to deal with our fears and inner thoughts. But also, therapy/counseling gives you a safe place where you can process, at your own pace, difficult events that happened to you - no matter when. I know it can be scary to even consider this, but I’d like to encourage you to think about it and, when you’re ready, maybe to give it a try. Though, I know right now it became a little difficult to access to it with covid. In case you need, know that there is a partnership between HeartSupport and BetterHelp (an online counseling service) for a 7-days free trial. Maybe you could give it a try, have a conversation with a professional and get some guidance in regards of what could be the best kind of counseling to you right now. If you’re interested, you can have more informations here:
Though, I also want to reassure you: there’s nothing wrong with you. What you described is something that many of us go through at some point. I struggle with social anxiety, a lot. It’s freaking exhausting and frustrated, as it prevents me to enjoy great moments or be myself sometimes. But something I learned with time is that stepping out of our comfort zone is always worth it. It helps us to grow and tame our inner fears. It helps to realize that we’re not the lies we think about ourselves and that, yea, socializing moments can be enjoyable! And if we actually stop trying, then we delete any possibility for growth and learning. But again, this has to be learned progressively, step by step and in a safe environment.
Sending hugs your way.
You are not alone, friend.