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Nm, just ranting

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here.
I always come when I hit rock bottom or something distress me.
And now I wouldn’t say I am at rock bottom or even distress, but maybe I could use some venting since I pretty much wall myself from everyone and it’s hard for me to openly speak about my feelings and thoughts to anyone.

So this year is being already intense, many things have happened: I passed my first semester of the college, which was a huge relief since I am almost 30 and I can’t afford myself to lose more time.
I failed at getting an appointment at college support therapy because the semester was about to finish and so they wouldn’t receive more people until new semester begins, around the last week of march, and that was very disappointing because it took a lot of courage and definitely even more pain to admit I had to get help, I was hyped about starting to work on myself with someone, but nope…
Thankfully I have a friend to whom I opened up about what I went trough the last couple of months, the depression attacks, my intense suicide thoughts, the pain, everything. He tried to show me the way of god, which I am giving a chance to, again, because why not? He also introduce me to a support group for emotional codependent people which I am openly learning about. You know, I’ll take anything I can from anywhere to get me better.
I am unemployed, part of the reason why I was counting on the college therapy is because I was hoping it was cheap, because outside the college therapy is expensive.
Idk what to do to make money which is always a trouble because I am sick of being dependent on my parent. And I have all my hope that trough college I find a way to be financial independent.

These days I am on vacations, which I am using to take care of myself, I am working hard at the gym and I enjoy doing 1hr cardio while listening any of the heavy shit I like and it’s kinda of a therapy itself.
Trying to quit cigarrete, it’s been a week since the last time I had a smoke. Trying to quit porn, I think it’s been maybe two weeks since the last time I visited a porn website.
Failing incredibly hard at eating healty but I give myself the excuse that I can’t do all at the same time, plus I balance eating trash with hitting the gym.
And nm… these days I 've been feeling pretty numb, a bit suicidal, just the average down, you know stuck in my bed rememering stuff, moments, I know I am not rock bottom because shit that pain is unbearable but I am neither ok, and I am looking for a way to be.

Thanful for the space this forum gives me to open even if it is virtually, I hope one day I’ll be able to accept myself the way I am and open to others.

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Hey friend,
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of positive things you enjoy to make it through the tough stuff. That’s awesome and huge! You are seeing the things in your life that need improvement to help you feel better and what you need to remove to live healthier. Its okay to make mistakes in that journey and pick back up and keep going. I applaud you for that. Just remember on days when your mind is sucky or things feel heavier, you do something to take care of your mind and body. I know it can be hard, I’ve been there, but anything you enjoy is better than nothing. As for the being financially independent, I get it. I’m in a similar boat where family is having to help me. Keep working on yourself and your goals, if they are willing to help you achieve them and support you for now, thats awesome. I know for me, I’m getting through school and dealing with my mental and physical health while my family helps me. All I can do is keep pressing towards the goal so that when I finish school, I can get a job to support myself and become independent again. Maybe you can relate.

If you are having trouble getting therapy from school and costs, I know HS has a partnership for a trial with BetterHelp, maybe that’s something you can look into and benefit from. www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport

Hang in there friend, believe in you. Hold Fast.

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Thank you man. I know I am pushing hard to live better, to be more true to myself, I am doing many changes in my life. But I still ruminate about the past, and how fucking out of this world is to feel for two straight months like complete shit, with suicidal impulses. And then one day still having most of those self destructive thoughts but feeling completely different. I say this because I doubt of myself, like I don’t know some days if I making this shit up to cope with life because I am pathetic or I really have mental health issues… that’s one of the things I wanted to say out loud and other is how much I hate about myself the way I obsess with girls. I just which I could move on from a person I never had a relationship with, I told her how I felt about she, got rejected (fine). But one month later I still think constantly about her. And this alwaaaaays happens to me.
Just wanted to take the opportunity to vent.

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Hey friend,
I wanted to check in and see how you were feeling. Hope you’re doing better. If not, that’s totally okay too. Know you are cared for. You matter.

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Hey. I’ve been better, finally got some money to see a therapist last week, then I spoke to my parent about what went on and he supported me and payed for 4 sessions of bioenergetic therapy I did from saturday to tuesday.
I been a lot better since then, I learned so many things in those days and I feel I reconnected with myself and life; it is not a magic pill tho, I still have to work on myself for who knows how much time, but I am finally taking the steps in the right direction and I’ve decided to enjoy this journey instead of focusing in when I am lastly gonna get better.
We are not dealing directly with my depression, which she, the therapist, confirmed to me that it was there, but I am ok with the work we are doing since it means resolving many things about myself.
These days I’ve been into exercising, doing outdoors activities such as hiking or going to the beach alone, I still feel kinda disoriented in life…

And I’ve been looking into these bioenergetic thing, I learned a lot about some different meditations or breathing exercises that I feel like have totally paid off instantly; if anyone have some experiences with bioenergetic I would love to hear them.
Thanks for asking buddy, hope you doing good, I am hear to listen and talk with you too if you need to.

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Friend,
I am so proud of you! What a great thing you have done, first opening up here, then speaking to your parent, and getting therapy! Look at you go!! I really hope that working with your therapist continues to bring you the practical help in working through these things and continuing to address the things leading to the depression. Its so important. Always here for you if you need it, this forum is awesome and I am so glad to have met you through it. Working on getting into therapy myself, thank you for paving the way for that and showing that it works and is helpful. I hope its a beautiful uphill climb for you, friend. Hold fast.

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