It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here.
I always come when I hit rock bottom or something distress me.
And now I wouldn’t say I am at rock bottom or even distress, but maybe I could use some venting since I pretty much wall myself from everyone and it’s hard for me to openly speak about my feelings and thoughts to anyone.
So this year is being already intense, many things have happened: I passed my first semester of the college, which was a huge relief since I am almost 30 and I can’t afford myself to lose more time.
I failed at getting an appointment at college support therapy because the semester was about to finish and so they wouldn’t receive more people until new semester begins, around the last week of march, and that was very disappointing because it took a lot of courage and definitely even more pain to admit I had to get help, I was hyped about starting to work on myself with someone, but nope…
Thankfully I have a friend to whom I opened up about what I went trough the last couple of months, the depression attacks, my intense suicide thoughts, the pain, everything. He tried to show me the way of god, which I am giving a chance to, again, because why not? He also introduce me to a support group for emotional codependent people which I am openly learning about. You know, I’ll take anything I can from anywhere to get me better.
I am unemployed, part of the reason why I was counting on the college therapy is because I was hoping it was cheap, because outside the college therapy is expensive.
Idk what to do to make money which is always a trouble because I am sick of being dependent on my parent. And I have all my hope that trough college I find a way to be financial independent.
These days I am on vacations, which I am using to take care of myself, I am working hard at the gym and I enjoy doing 1hr cardio while listening any of the heavy shit I like and it’s kinda of a therapy itself.
Trying to quit cigarrete, it’s been a week since the last time I had a smoke. Trying to quit porn, I think it’s been maybe two weeks since the last time I visited a porn website.
Failing incredibly hard at eating healty but I give myself the excuse that I can’t do all at the same time, plus I balance eating trash with hitting the gym.
And nm… these days I 've been feeling pretty numb, a bit suicidal, just the average down, you know stuck in my bed rememering stuff, moments, I know I am not rock bottom because shit that pain is unbearable but I am neither ok, and I am looking for a way to be.
Thanful for the space this forum gives me to open even if it is virtually, I hope one day I’ll be able to accept myself the way I am and open to others.