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No one will miss me


#1

I’m tired, I’m weak and I’m back into the addiction of cutting… I’m writing this to you all because I don’t know how long I have left in me. On Friday after Danjo so bravely opened about a trauma he had been through in his life on the live stream, something I never thought would happen, happened. I was finally able to process the emotions I was feeling around a major trauma that happened nearly 14 years ago that I have spoken about before… It was what I needed to start really healing and I was feeling hopeful about that…
That hope was taken away in the most brutal way very quickly. I deal with abuse at home on a daily basis, and honestly, work was my safe place, somewhere I could go to physically get away from it all… I found out that’s no longer the case. Colleagues have been complaining about my hygiene and appearance at work, judging me. I don’t know why this started, I’d always been so highly ranked on my presentability at work… I do everything I should be doing to keep myself presentable, but that’s not good enough.
I walked out of work wishing a bus would come round the corner and hit me. I planned to cut the minute I got home if that didn’t happen.
It sounds like an over exaggeration, I know, it’s just a few people complaining… Right? Well, personal attacks like that hurt. Having the one safe place you have taken away within seconds hurts. Every time something good starts to happen, something 10x worse takes it place and I’m tired. I would do whatever it takes to make sure the people I love are happy and cares for, but, realised today that I have no one that cares enough to do that for me, not even my family. So, knowing that… Who am I fighting for? It most certainly isn’t myself. Would people even notice I’m gone? Would people care?

I don’t know what type of state I’ll be in by the time this gets read, if anyone even reads it… So I’m sorry, I don’t want things to be this way, but I don’t know what more I can do.

Hold Fast.
Michaela


#2

Hey Kayla,

First I want to tell you that I love you. And I’m so so sorry that you’re going through all of this. But I want to remind you how loved you are and how deeply that I care about you as does this community.

Trauma is hard. Pain is hard. And when you are forced to relive it and think about it, it’s not easy. And I’m sorry that healing is so hard, but I want to remind you that it is possible. And you are so strong, because you’ve been through so much and you haven’t given up. And I look up to you for that reason and so many more.

Now onto the thing happening at work. I’m so sorry. I get that in some sense. Work used to be my place to get away and just be me, and it has now turned into a battle field and it’s really hard. I encourage you to try to talk to your supervisor and let them know what’s going on with what the other employees are saying.

Please Kayla don’t give up. Remember that you are valued and loved and you are beautiful just the way you are. You are so strong, and you’re an encouragement to so many and you are wanted and you are loved. Please don’t ever give up and remember I’m here for you.

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey


#3

@Kayla I agree with @Monkey. You need to talk to your supervisor about what the other coworkers said about you. You are important. Don’t let them bring you down. No matter what hits you, keep moving forward.


#4

Hi Kayla,

You are loved, you will be missed, and you are not better off dead. Please, listen to the people here.
Trauma is not easily forgotten, but it can be moved past if we allow others to help us.
The darkest part of night is right before the morning. Please, taking a blade to yourself is not the answer. I was there, I know how feeling that bleeding may be the only answer to what you are going through, but please. Please know that it does not help anyone; it only hurts you, and it hurts the people that care about you.
You have people here that care about you. And @AVJR is right: talk to your supervisor. Don’t let them get away with badmouthing you. Don’t let them win, okay?
Please. Keep moving forward. Keep holding on. You’re worth it. Your life is worth it.


#5

@Monkey @AVJR @AbiAdams it was my supervisor (manager) that pulled me up about it.


#6

you’ll always have a safe place here, and you’d be missed bug time <3


#7

Did they say what it was that they’re having problems with? Take note in what they say.

I know with my family there were times they got mad at me for smelling bad or looking dirty. It was partly my fault because I being a man rarily washed my clothes and wore them three days in a row. On top of that I rarely cleaned my shoes so my feet stank. Deoderant wouldn’t help at times and then I realized it was because I rarily smile or take care of my teeth.

The measures I took changed a lot about me. Now I shower twice a day. I wear cologne or perfume along with my deoderant and usually I change my clothes daily while making sure to do laundry at least once a week. ON top of that I made it a habit to brush my teeth when I eat and floss at least once daily. Every three days I use mouthwash.

When I am out among people I don’t know I smile even when I don’t want to and I also check my tone of voice. Not to please other people. Just not to give them any unneeded ammo to cause drama fro me. Mostly it helps (not with immature people).
I also use foot smell killers even may spray a bit perfume on my shoes. Once in a while I powder my body from head to foot then powder in my socks and the bottom of my shoes.

I know it sounds like a lot yet it really helps when dealing with my family or other people (as long as they’re not immature).

Don’t know if any of this helps you out. (I’ll assume you have more than one pair of shoes so rotating them daily helps as well.)


#8

As said above personal hygiene is super important, especially when working with people. But can also be tough for people who are struggling with mental health stuff. So I encourage you to shower daily, brush your hair and teeth, wear deodorant make sure you clothes are washed and clean, wear perfume etc. Not only will this eliminate people saying things but it will also make you feel better about yourself as well.


#9

That’s. The. Thing. The point I made. I do all of this, I’ve not changed anything since I first started other than I’m not going to work high anymore. That’s why I don’t understand.


#10

Kayla, you’re so loved. You matter so much to us. You’re awesome. We need you here.

Jaden


#11

Then I can only think that they’re just spreading rumors. I think they’re trying to just get rid of you and making up stuff to get rid of you. You might want to try to find someone higher on the ladder than your boss and talk to them about your situation. Could be they’re mad about something you did in the past and hold a grudge.