I’m tired, I’m weak and I’m back into the addiction of cutting… I’m writing this to you all because I don’t know how long I have left in me. On Friday after Danjo so bravely opened about a trauma he had been through in his life on the live stream, something I never thought would happen, happened. I was finally able to process the emotions I was feeling around a major trauma that happened nearly 14 years ago that I have spoken about before… It was what I needed to start really healing and I was feeling hopeful about that…
That hope was taken away in the most brutal way very quickly. I deal with abuse at home on a daily basis, and honestly, work was my safe place, somewhere I could go to physically get away from it all… I found out that’s no longer the case. Colleagues have been complaining about my hygiene and appearance at work, judging me. I don’t know why this started, I’d always been so highly ranked on my presentability at work… I do everything I should be doing to keep myself presentable, but that’s not good enough.
I walked out of work wishing a bus would come round the corner and hit me. I planned to cut the minute I got home if that didn’t happen.
It sounds like an over exaggeration, I know, it’s just a few people complaining… Right? Well, personal attacks like that hurt. Having the one safe place you have taken away within seconds hurts. Every time something good starts to happen, something 10x worse takes it place and I’m tired. I would do whatever it takes to make sure the people I love are happy and cares for, but, realised today that I have no one that cares enough to do that for me, not even my family. So, knowing that… Who am I fighting for? It most certainly isn’t myself. Would people even notice I’m gone? Would people care?
I don’t know what type of state I’ll be in by the time this gets read, if anyone even reads it… So I’m sorry, I don’t want things to be this way, but I don’t know what more I can do.