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Belongs to: Therapist's V.A.N. (Bad Omens/Poppy)
Not all of us even know the concept of “running” from addiction. I’ve been addicted to substances for almost 30 years. I wish I could rewire my brain. I’ve been through all the programming and prison systems and everything available. I’m at my wits end. I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to run from addiction. I can’t imagine what it’s like; the inability to escape, the constant need, yet hate makes it extremely hard to break the cycle. I don’t think there is much I can offer you, but there are people out there who can help you immensely better than I can. It does seem like you want to get better and heal, and you need to hold on to that hope of getting clean and maintaining it, and that hope will drive you. Seeking people out who are in a similar spot could also potentially help; having that support system who is a good influence and who will have your back can help much more than you may think.
I wish you the best of luck on your recovery journey, you got this.
Yea, addiction does have to way to make you feel, literally, imprisoned in your own mind and body, which isn’t something you can’t really run away from. Sometimes it’s also about learning to co-exist with the pain while working on your own healing. But it’s freaking hard. The impact it has on you over time also changes your own way to think, to perceive the world around you and yourself, the way you build relationships (or not), the way you basically live. It does feel like over time it just takes over every fiber of your being. That there isn’t one little cell that would have been ignored by the shadow of addiction. And when you’re left like this, looking back, you might start to ask yourself “what’s the point?”. And is it just what I am in the end?
I’m truly sorry you’ve been struggling so much. When I was at the depth of my eating disorders, I definitely didn’t see any way out. It took over everything in my life, and everything that I was. I couldn’t think properly anymore, not outside of the scope of the disorder itself. I would wake up stuck in the same thought and behavior patterns, navigate through the day the same way, always telling myself at the end of the day that I’d do better tomorrow - rinse and repeat. It’s discouraging to experience that level of disappointment within yourself over and over.
I know this will sound cheesy and easy to say, but keep trying. Keep pushing doors. Keep adovacting for yourself, friend. Addiction might become a ghost in your life and you would keep feeling its presence, but the grip it has on you can evolve over time, even if you’ve already been fighting for a long time. There is a fierce fire in you that wants to continue to try. In this journey, there are times when it feels like being at a crossroad and having no clue on which path would be the right to take. It’s okay to take your time there, to pause, to reflect, to sollicit help again and again until the way forward would become clearer. These bumps on the road are not meant to be your destination. You are not the same you were 30 years ago - not because of your addiction, but because of all the effort you’ve been putting into your own healing. 