Not finding validation from other people

[Metalskater1990]

Yesterday had good conversations with my therapist, we talk about my band situation, friendships and just being rejected. I think depending on people on validation. My therapist, tell me do stuff for myself.

While watching videos on incels, the thing I notice is that they depend on other people for thier validation. It sad cuase, we don’t learn how to live for ourself. The problem with that we depend validation to people that might disappoint us.

We never taught to live for ourself, instead depending on someone for our value.

[Sapphire]

This is so true, especially if you grow up with an overbearing parent/guardian.

I used to be very bad about this and I think it came from insecurities in my own capabilities, which stemmed from never being allowed to make my own decisions growing up.

I think learning to not depend on others for validation is a very necessary step to having a more peaceful life. You will never be able to please everyone and when you stop trying to, it removes that stressor from your life. As long as you feel that what you’re doing is right and that you’re doing the best you can, that’s what really matters because as much as we might try sometimes, all we can do is put forth our best effort, and that is more than enough in my experience.

True, we are never taught this, but we can learn over time. It’s never too late.

[SheetMetalHead]

It takes a lot of wisdom to recognize this, and a lot of bravery to acknowledge it.

I’m dealing with issues right now caused by seeking validation in others. I have found that, as soon as someone validates me, I dismiss them as either being biased or not knowing what they’re talking about, and I go out again seeking validation from other people.

Finding validation within yourself is hard. I’m still trying to figure it out. You’re right though. People can disappoint you, and when you seek validation from them, you wind up trying to please them and selling yourself out. I’m glad your therapist is helping you see that. Just realizing it is the start of the journey, and a really hard step. Good work man!

[eagertuna0]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing! I’m glad that you are talking with your therapist and considering their insight. Finding validation for yourself is so important and it’s awesome to hear that you are taking steps to find that personal validation.

You got this!

<3 Tuna

[DiscordReply]

From: Rohini_868

So happy to read this post! There is so much positive insight you’re getting from these conversations with your therapist! It is true, validation from within is a powerful thing, and if you ever need some “safe” validation from reliable persons, we’re here for you, to remind you that we see you, and we value the person that you are! Thanks for sharing with us, it’s always great to celebrate these insightful moments with you, friend!

[DiscordReply]

From: twixremix

hi metal!

so happy you could discuss these things that have been weighing on your heart for awhile with your therapist. from what you’ve shared in this post, it sounds like it was a productive conversation where you learned new ways to process situations! living for ourselves, not dependent on others for validation, is such a mighty goal that will lend you so much strength in the long run. what are some steps you can take now to find value within yourself, not depending on someone else for your own value? i believe in you to do things for yourself, to validate the talented, caring, and cool human being that is metalskater1990. sending you a ton of love and best wishes for the road ahead, my friend, you got this!!

love,
twix

[DiscordReply]

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Metalskater1990, At the core of BPD (borderline personality disorder) is the fear of abandonment and rejection. I know you know this already, but I want to point out that needing validation is something we both need because of our BPD. It’s not incel exclusive to need validation. Every person in this world needs validation on some level as a matter of fact I hope you understand. Just be you Metal, you’re a great person and I know that you care about what other people think of you, so just know that you are loved and valued in this community. ~Mystrose

[StarFox]

Hello there,

It sounds like you are learning new things & applying them to your life. That’s so amazing & wonderful. I am so proud of you. You are valid. You are strong. You are worthy. You are awesome! You matter!

-StarFox

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey, friend It sounds like your therapist is helping you a lot and that is wonderful.

We all want to be loved and accepted. That is part of the experience of being a pack animal like humans are. But you are also part of the pack and you are right that you need to live for yourself and accept yourself. These are a couple images that I thought might help you. If they resonate with you I encourage you to download them to your phone so you can look at them whenever you need reminders.

You 100% have value and matter. But don’t take that validation from me, say it to yourself. Remind yourself of these truths. Keep being you

[DiscordReply]

From: Taladien

Hey Metalsakter,

I am glad you are having good conversations with your therapist! It sounds like it is bringing about healthy results, and that is a great thing to read. It sounds like your therapist has you on a good track in your journey.

I’m not 100% sure what videos you are watching online, but try to take care in what ones you take advice from. Just because a video speaks confidently on a subject, doesn’t mean that it is correct, or providing helpful information. I encourage you to continue to work on your path, with the friends and family you trust, as well as the help of your therapist. Everyone’s situation is unique, and working with those who know you best, can produce the best plan forward.

You acknowledge a need for validation. That is a great place to be working from - a place of honesty with yourself. Build upon that foundation. You got this, friend.