I’ve reached an unsettling point with my mental health. Almost an impasse. My feelings are so deep and profound, that any word would not be enough to describe them, yet they’re so superficial that any word is too deep. A dreadful combination of apathy, self-hatred, and depression.
It’s not that I want to die. I don’t feel like death is what I truly desire, but some part of me wants to not be around anymore. I guess I’m indifferent. There’s no real desire to be alive, but no desire to die either. When I self-harm, I have no idea why. Usually, I don’t feel bad when I do it. There’s no rhyme or reason. Just an addictive habit that I’ve been doing without a purpose.
Perhaps it’s the apathy itself that makes me want to cut. I should stress I don’t feel numb. Numb indicates I’m disconnected, but I feel fully connected to my feelings. But there’s no emotion to feel. There’s no sadness, no anger, no joy, just emptiness. 4 months ago, I would have longed to feel nothing, but now, I wish I could feel something. It doesn’t matter what I feel, it just has to be something. Pain or joy, I don’t care. I just want to feel again.
This scares me. It scares me because the last time I hit a point of total apathy, it was the worst point in my entire life. Something feels wrong here, and I don’t know what to do to feel something again.
I think it might have come from realizing that my parents have fallen back to how they acted a while ago. So instead of being kind like they had been for the past year, they’ve gotten cold and aggressive again, and my brain is trying to learn how to deal with it again.
Hi there @TheRats
Two parts stood out to me, and I’d like to ask a question, if I may.
Is the event or change that happened in the past when you first felt like this, similar to the situation now? The non-feeling you are describing sounds like your brain’s way of protecting itself while it figures thing out. It is scary to be disconnected from your feelings, and I’m so gald you are here with us to share that. I hope you know you are loved and that you matter.
Can you access counseling or therapy? A safe space to talk through your issues may help, to help support you and maybe help you break out of the cycle of non feeling and apathy. We’re here to listen, or even just to silently cheer you on.
Thank you so much for your Post
It Seems like you are really struggling right now and im so sorry about that. All of the things you mention singularly are hard to live with but combined are so very difficult its no wonder you are frightened that you are going to hit a point of total apathy.
Situational apathy is normal however if you feel that you are going beyond that then I encourage you to see a Doctor or a therapist to discuss help.
You will start to feel again I’m sure of that, you said yourself that you have come through this before and this time you have recognized it and have the power of hindsight which should help you to get help. We here at heartsupport are also here to support you as best we can.
Stay in contact with us
Actually, now that I think about it, yeah, both situations were pretty much the same. Currently I’m switching therapists as the one I’ve had for the past few years is retiring, but hopefully soon I can get to my next therapist.
oh i’m so excited to hear this! Of course your therapist will know better, but it does sound like you’re protecting yourself based on past experiences. I do hope you learn some strategies to connect with your feelings in a safe way, a healthy way. Really looking forward to hear your updates, whatever they are!