Not processing

[disabledmetalfan]

I really dont know what to name this as but here it goes. The loss of alilikatiekat/plurbunnies/katie has really been something i legit am not processing. I sit here saying she’s gone she is gone. I ask is that true is she just going to message me back. Am I going to get a message from her. I also was not mentally okay before I got word. And now its really eating me. To be very honest I am not processing this at all. I may be supporting others and helping them but I am not okay. I cant believe someone who gave me something so much is gone. She was an inspiration for me. She was the person who lead me to Heartsupport. She was and is why I am here today. She legit keep me alive by giving me this resource. She was one of the first people to show me an unconditional love and I wish i had been more diligent to check on her. I wish I had been there more. I know i can’t change it. But I still wish.

The loss of her was on top of a lot of very crashing things. Someone close to me is posting shit about me in groups and online. Basically calling things as they arent and bashing things that truly just make me deep to the core feel not good enough. The money we have is extremely tight and I have basically gone to saying I won’t eat because we can’t afford it which is something i do. And that causes my horrible health crap to go flaring. A person I thought living with has turned very very south on me and its making it very toxic at my home (for those of you i know well it isn’t my partner its the roommate we share who also happens to be a good friend of mine). I want so badly to become a turtle and run away from the issues. To hide. Loosing katie is that jinga piece that causes it to all fall.

I will be very honest and say in the last like 4 days I have come so close to making a choice I can’t undo. If I didnt have my young 4month old puppy to watch I would honestly go get more serious help. I have been trying for months to get a counselor but the place I go for psych stuff never calls me back. I just dont know any more. Between giant losses and pain I can’t function. I fake it but my walls aren’t good enough anymore to keep doing so. I just i can’t. I truly don’t know any more. Life is just this big old shit show and I am literally about to throw in my towel.

Ash

[AVJR]

@disabledmetalfan

Ash, you are going through a lot. I’m sorry this is tearing you apart. I don’t know her well, but what I do know is she was loved by this community. She was special. That love you have is the reason why you are still alive. God is with you. Trust Him. Ask Him any questions. He will listen. I hope you are moving on. Thank you for venting. I love you.

[Micro]

That is so much to handle at the same time, @disabledmetalfan. My heart goes out to you. And I’m sending tons of virtual hugs to you.

I didn’t really know Katie, but through the short interactions we had, she seemed to be a very welcoming and caring person. She will be dearly missed. Thank you Ash for sharing how you knew her. There is something special and beautiful in hearing about the huge impact she had on so many lives. I feel humble and proud to be in a community where she was, and will always be. And incredibly grateful to you for being here now.

This is a very difficult time. And I hear all the things that are going on in your life as well. It’s okay to feel sad, mad, lost or even all at once. It’s okay to feel like nothing makes sense anymore. I personally don’t have a lot to offer, but still a heart and a soul to listen, to care, and love. I hope you can find ways to rest a bit in the midst of this. And I hope you know that you have shoulders here to lean on. You are so loved.

Do you feel like it could be possible for you to try to call back this place you mentioned to see a counselor? With covid and everything, it’s possible that a lot of services are a bit overwhelmed, and you may need to remind them about your request. Not saying you didn’t do anything, just that the current circumstances are adding some difficulties. I had to be more insistant this year with some administrative stuff as well - even though I hate doing that. This is about your own well-being, so it’s always a priority.

Sending love. Be safe.