Hello. I never thought I’d write one of these but I’ve had what feels like a terrible day and I don’t know what to do. The main point is that I’ve never been a hugely social person. Its never bee too extreme, but I’ve become more confident and more happy talking to people. But for the last few months, I’ve become a lot worse. I hate socialising. I hate taking to certain people (not everyone - most people I’m perfectly happy with) but those people always seem to be the ones I’m with. (I’m part of a theatre group with a completely different set of people, who I seem to be fine around). Today, circumstances meant that I was with my best friend of six years for the whole day when I was expecting to be completely alone. She’s supposed to be someone I’m comfortable with but I was miserable the whole time. It felt like she never stopped talking; she was constructed talking about her work and her hobbies and her music and her mental health and evey word she said felt like it was grating a hole in me. She’s had her mental health issues and I’ve made it very clear to her that I’m always there for her if she needs me. A while ago she needed me a lot, and although I was happy to talk to her to start with, the conversations consistently had me awake well into the morning. Everything said was ignored and turned. And then the cycle stated again, to the point where I stopped going online on msging apps because I was scared she’d see id been online and she’d draw me into a conversation. I stopped talking to lots of other people because of not wanting to be seen online. It’s not just her that I hate being around. But she’s supposed to be my best friend and i don’t think I said a full sentence all day without it getting overwhelmed, and I can’t help but feel so guilty that every second she was with me I just wanted her to leave.
The more I stop and look at myself the more I think I’m just not very nice. There’s this whole incident and another thing that happened with another friend (actually almost exactly the same, he was trauma dumping and sending me hundreds of messages and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore, so I stopped going online). I tried to bring up my own mental health a few times but I feel horrible and attention seeking when I do. I hate it when people talk to me about theirs when I’m not ready to hear about it and I don’t want to inflict that on them.
So we come back to the main point: I don’t know if I’m introverted or a bad person. I hate being with people who are supposed to be my friends. I’d much rather be alone and exist with just myself and my thoughts. I’m not lonely and I’m happy by myself. Whenever I do social events I feel terrible and miserable - I’m not enjoying myself because of the people there, which is by no means their fault, so does that make it mine? Should I just get a grip, grit my teeth and wait it out like I did today? I’m really conflict adverse and dont think I could bring it up anyway. I know I’m probably to blame here but I’ve had two panic attacks since she left and I don’t know what to do. If anyone could help me work out how to change so I can stop this please help me. Thank you.
hi there!! first of all, welcome to the community, i’m glad you found your way here!
secondly, i don’t think you’re a bad person by all means. i can identify with your post pretty well, i am a huge introvert as well as autistic and i’ve got social anxiety. all in all, i’m not the most social individual out there, either!
people trauma dumping, especially when you’re not ready, is super draining and if you’re even the tiniest bit like me, then it’s also going to make you feel really anxious at times. and it’s really important to reinforce your own boundaries at times like those, even if it may feel like a selfish move. but first and foremost comes your own well being – you can’t pour from a cup that’s already empty.
now, i don’t think i am able to give you much advice but if it’s worth anything, in my eyes you’re anything but a bad person. and you’re definitely not alone with this!
Wow, thank you for saying that… It’s good to know that other people feel like this. I’ll keep in mind what you said about boundaries. I hate enforcing them but ik you’re right and thank u for saying it’s not selfish even though it feels it. Your words were so kind and I really really appreciate them.
Welcome to HeartSupport! You’re among introverted friends here 
You are not a bad person.
What I’m reading here is you’ve become more confident. You are growing. The way you interact with people is changing. Those are very good things! Unfortunately, it can create growing pains with old friends as your old dynamics change. You have new people you genuinely enjoy being around, and that is incredible! With your existing friends though, you’re at a juncture. You can try to meet them where they are and maintain your dynamics knowing that the awkwardness isn’t personal, you can try to meet them halfway and assert yourself around their half of the dynamics, or you can invest yourself in your theater group. That doesn’t mean cutting off your old friends, but committing your emotional energy to people who feed you and letting your old friends be acquaintances.
That will be hard though! It is totally understandable that you’d feel like a bad friend for it. I know I’ve been there. We want people to like us. We want to be there for the stability of the friendships we’ve had for years, or rather for the idea of those friendships.
It sucks. Growing and changing sucks. You will have to mourn losing what you had with them. Just know that it was always real when it was good. You can always cherish those memories and the good things you took from those times.
Moving on emotionally doesn’t mean you’re betraying your friendships. Friendship is a two way street, and if they are draining your cup, you’re less able to feed theirs. Adjusting your friendships to what they are is the best thing you can do for them. It will keep you from draining your cup and growing to resent your friends.
Now they may not be happy about it, but that’s not something you can control. They won’t be happy if you stick around and grow miserable with them though. If in either case they won’t be happy, I think it’s best to choose the route that is healthiest for you.
Again, you’re not a bad person. Again, it’s amazing that you’ve made new friends! I hope you can process through this and find a path forward that feeds your social needs without causing you resentment. As always, keep us updated and don’t be afraid to bring your doubts and concerns to this forum 
Thank you. I really appreciate those words. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. We’re all very different people and I’d never really considered that we’re outgrowing (in a sense) each other until you said it… I’ve got a lot to think about haha. But thank you so much for proving it’s normal. I’m meeting with my theatre friends tomorrow and now I’m thinking about it I don’t feel much dread in going out with them. Thank you <3
Hello there, welcome to Heartsupport! Thank you for opening up about your struggles. Your reaction is completely understandable and you are by no means a bad person. It sounds like you are just overwhelmed and need a break because people need too much from you.
As an introvert myself I can relate so much. Too many conversations with people drain me, I prefer to be alone in peace. And I want to tell you that you are not a bad person at all. You are the opposite, you are trying to help so much and to be there for your friends even if it is too much for yourself and you need a break. You are not a bad friend. But it is very important to take care of yourself as well. I can see that you have some problems setting boundaries because you don’t want to come across as mean. You are not! It is overwhelming when people want to talk to you all the time, especially if they are only talking about their own problems, but not giving you the same room to share yours as well. Talking about your own struggles doesn’t make you selfish or an attention seeker.
I can understand very well not wanting to have conflicts and just staying invisible because of that. Being introverted doesn’t make you antisocial or a bad person/friend. It is just really important that you know when to say stop, and to enforce your boundaries if people don’t respect them. I so often feel guilty for not answering fast enough and think that I have to set my status to away/busy/invisible and am not allowed to be seen/active anywhere else on the internet, otherwise people might get angry that I don’t answer. It doesn’t matter! It’s your life, your privacy and your choice how to spend your time. If you don’t have the right mindset, don’t feel well yourself or are just not up for answering, it’s your choice. And you are not doing anything wrong.
A problem is also that people are different and have different needs. Extroverts for example recharge their energy through social contacts. Introverts get drained by too many social contacts. You should surround yourself with people who are good for you, not with people who stress you out. That doesn’t mean your friendships have to end. But people have to accept that sometimes you are not in a mood to talk, sometimes you don’t want to get messages. And that is completely normal and healthy.
You are understood and loved here.
Thank you. You’re right about the boundaries. Next time I feel I need to, I’m going to try and set them - thanks for reassuring me it’s ok to do so. What you described about appearing offline/not being active is exactly it! I’ll try to put myself first more.
Hey, from what I’m gathering it sounds like some of the friends in your life or the ones that you consider close are overwhelming you and the conversations may seem one sided. I know from personal experience I give too much and then I leave nothing for myself and I become burnt out and just over people, even the ones I hold dear become too overbearing for me to handle and I shut down. It’s difficult and can be draining to draw boundaries with these friends without feeling like you’re hurting them. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It can feel lonely and your outlet of chatting online is now no longer a safe place without people dumping on you. What you’re feeling is completely validated. You are not a bad person for not having the space to have one sided friendships, you know that you deserve friendships where they also listen to how you are doing and how your day has been. I hope you find some peace in me saying you aren’t alone in this feeling. And it’s okay to feel this way
Keep reaching out to us, you are loved.
Thank you. It does make me feel a lot better knowing that you experience the same things. I actually just got another message from one of the friends now (it’s 11.30pm where I am) and although I want to be there for her I know it’ll be a good couple of hours and I can’t handle going to bed as late as some people I know lol. Thanks for what you said. I feel guilty about not answering. But what you said about being burnt out is so true and I’m done crying over it then being exhausted in the morning. I really appreciate knowing I’m not alone. <3
I’m so proud of you for saying no. I know that it can feel like your being a bad friend, but you can’t help if you feel drained. Drawing boundaries are something I struggle with because I’m a people pleaser. And I’ve noticed over the years this does nothing for me. Learning how to say no or that you can’t right now is so difficult but I will say rewarding when you can find rest and put your energy into things that serve YOU.
Proud of you friend!!