Not sure what I’m looking for

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never talked about this with anyone but I figured I check this site out since I’ve been hearing about it. Honestly not sure what to say. I guess I’ll say that I’ve been dealing with this my whole life and I think I’m running out of energy. I’m the one everyone goes to for support. They all know I’ll be there for them but no one ever makes time for me or cares to hear what’s going on in my life. Last year my best friend (I knew him for ten years and the last three we were like brothers) stabbed me in the back in the most unbelievable way. I immediately lost my two closest friends. He was the first person in my life I ever actually opened up to about anything. I’ve been searching for another friend ever since but no one seems to care to be around me. I’m 24 now and got my first girlfriend back in December. It was perfect. We were the same person and we really hit it off. We knew each other from the past so we had ground to start on. She broke up with me after a week unexpectedly over text and just said that she wanted some more time before being in a relationship and then cut me off and didn’t talk to me again. We talked and hung out every day over that week. She was the only girl that ever wanted to be with me and she got tired of me in a week. She was also the first person that ever talked to me without me talking to them first. She was excited to see me and wanted to know about me. No one had ever been like that. I got just enough of a taste of what ive never had and then lost it. Growing up my family only ever fought and I learned to not talk and stay out of it. I’ve never had my family to talk to about anything. I’m the star child in the family now too. I lost two uncles, my cat died, drama broke out with multiple friends that I had to mediate, my boss started getting upset with me over everything at work, and my narcissistic sister decided to come back around and torment the family again all last spring. I’m maxed out on my antidepressants but they don’t do anything. The thought of death is the only thing that brings me peace because it tells me that I’m not trapped here. I have a note typed up already and have been contemplating how I will do it for a couple months now. I decided that I’ll probably drive into a tree so that it will look more like an accident. Honestly it’s not even emotional anymore it just feels like what needs to happen. I break down all the time and it’s starting to get to me. The agony in my chest is so bad that I would do just about anything to make it go away. My whole life and I’ve never been able to be close to anyone except one friend that ended up using me. I’m thinking about quitting my job and living off my savings for a little bit. Maybe get a minimum wage job so that I can just be around people more. My best friend at the time killed himself in high school and I kinda took his little sister as my own. She lives an hour and fifteen minutes away but when she calls because she’s having a hard time I drive up there no problem. She’s a really good person and I don’t think she realizes it but I’ve been trying to talk to her this last week and she keeps canceling our plans. She’s the last person I can think of that I could talk to in any sort of way. I could tell more about my life but it would take way too long. I have really bad trust issues and for a reason. My sister bullied me relentlessly growing up. Family problems, friend problems, health problems. I tried college three times but I can’t do it. Don’t know what I’m looking for here but life just seems so pointless. A career, seeing the world, nothing even sounds exciting. When I was fifteen I figured that 25 would be the age that I wouldn’t get to. It seems to be coming true now. There’s no way I’m gonna make it through this winter. I’m having constant appointments with my doctor to try to find something that’ll work but nothing seems to do anything besides give me side effects. Just looking for any reason right now.

A good reason to go on? YOURSELF.
You’ve been blessed with life. Sometimes i tell myself “I CAN’T GO ON” too and in 20 years believe me, I have really seen ENOUGH. But ok, we took the worst part of it…It would be sad missing the good part!! We have to wait for it. And we have to work and focus on ourselves daily. We have to find little reasons everyday. Routine goals. At the beginning. What about helping people? Or dogs? There are many associations out there! And the important thing is to praticise some sport. Which kind of sport you prefer. It seems stupid. BUT IT HELPS A LOT and clears your mind. And you will love yourself more cause you accomplished something after the daily workout. You’re tired and happy. Little things are the key.
Walk in a park and write poems. Or paint something. We can’t stop, NEVER. Or we can easily fall. Remember this. Impose to yourself to find ALWAYS a reason to stay strong. Start new things. Happiness will come. :slight_smile:


I’m happy that you found HeartSupport. Thank you for sharing. I’m so saddened, and truly sorry to read of all of your hurt right now. But please, do not give in to the feeling of defeat. I am an unsuccessful attempt of trying to end it all. And I’m beyond thankful that I’m here. Because is does get better. It may not be in plain sight for you at the moment, but your existence matters. It’s going to give someone down the line so much joy and privilege to be able to be a part of YOUR life. You’re the type of person who wants to love. And that is amazing. Stay with us. You are loved.

Holdfast friend,


Hey @Mk2590 - Thank you for reaching out! A quote from Will Smith came to mind while I was reading your post: “If you aren’t helping anyone then you’re wasting your time.” One of the biggest things that keep me going is my love for helping people; it gives me a sense of value and a purpose. When everything seems apathetic, remember that your testimony is inspiring and can help so many people, especially when you make it out on the other side. Keep pushing. We believe in you.