Recently someone close to me really hurt me. Like REALLY hurt me. I’ve been battling it every day for some time and have had to take several days off work just to help sort it out. I get panic dreams (dream about the person and wake up to a panic attack), too. The problem is, they don’t realize they hurt me. They have no idea. When they found out I was down they immediately tried to help me and would ask what they could do. Which made it so much worse because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them it was because of something they did. It’s been so hard to get over it and it’s so hard to want to forgive. I love them dearly but it hurts so much that I can’t see or talk to them. It’s even worse than that because they live across the street from me at my University so they’re just right there. There’s a person B, too. Without going into too many details, person B indirectly caused person A to hurt me. Now person A doesn’t talk to me because of person B. I’m just so upset and depressed about it that I can’t forgive either of them. I know A cares about me but I can’t bring myself to talk to them or see them because person B might be there and it would hurt to see either of them anyway. I don’t know why I can’t move on from this. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with (which is why I don’t really want to get into the details of the event right now). I just don’t know how to handle this. I know I have to forgive eventually and move on but it doesn’t seem possible to. I want person A in my life because I love them but talking to them wouldn’t fix anything and I can’t see them now anyway. I don’t want our friendship to die but I just can’t speak to them and they’re not willing to speak to me. I could on forever about the vicious cycle that is this thing but does anyone have insights?
Hey @Ryanthewhite thanks for sharing this.
As you said - we don’t know the details but it sounds like you need to try and look at this in a different perspective. Take person B out of the equation. Would whatever person A did/say to hurt be something they would have done WITHOUT the influence of B? Could you write down how you’re feeling in a letter to give to A? If A cares about you the way you say here, they will understand and attempt to talk to you about it. I know it’s hard, I’ve had to drop friends in the past I thought I couldn’t live without - but honestly, you deserve so much better than being treated like crap and forced to pretend that you’re okay. Look at the 2 people as individuals, not together. A might need someone to speak too as well but feeling the same way as you - scared. You can talk to them. It won’t be easy, but if a letter is how you think you will best express yourself that’s okay too. Don’t let yourself get dragged down. Your emotions and well being are just as important as theirs. Keep us updated.
Thanks for replying Your question about what would they have done with person B really made me think. I don’t think they would’ve hurt me like they did without person B. Talking to them is the hard part for me because I don’t know if it would help the situation much. I feel like my best bet is to wait until I feel like I’m ready to talk to them again and be ready to forgive. I guess what I really need to figure out is how to forgive. Usually it comes with time but I feel like this needs to be faster cause I really love person A but it’s hard, ya know? I recently had someone who had done some harm in the past come to me on facebook and apologize to me after 4 years. I immediately was filled with so much love for them and didn’t care one bit about what happened in the past and now we’re friends but that took each of us 4 years to get over. I know I’m capable of forgiveness and will extend it eventually but I just wish I could arrive there faster
Well - maybe use the time now to write down how you’re feeling, that way when you feel ready you can hand It to A/have something to refer too when you talk.
It gets your feelings out rather than bottling up and is there to make things easier when you do hit the stage you’re ready. Remember what you said - they wouldn’t have done what they did if B wasn’t there. That’s a good sign that they would be willing to listen to you. You got this.
Nocturnal panic attacks suck; I get them every once in a while and they’re terrible. You’re not alone.
Have you tried talking directly to Person A and Person B? I’m a strong believer in healthy communication, because not only does it make you feel much better about the situation, but Person A & B may not even know what’s going on in your head. When I used to live in a house with 5 other guys, conflict would eventually rise. We made it a point to have a “family meeting” as quickly as possible, in order to talk about the conflict, resolve the conflict, and move on. If you haven’t had a “family meeting” with the 2 other people, I would highly recommend it. It might be a little awkward at first, but I promise it’ll be 100% worth it.
I know exactly what you are experiencing because I am experiencing something similar to you. I can’t bear to have any contact. I loved her too and she’ll never realize the pain she within me. I wish I had some advice but I’m a hot mess myself. Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I’m all ears if you want to talk about your situation.
So, update if anyone is curious. I decided I should take a little more time to myself to help me get to a place where I could forgive and then talk to A about anything we needed to talk about. Well, I’ve been doing really well the past couple days. Had some time off work (fortunately) to really take the time I needed and get my stuff in order. Well, as it turns out, tonight when I was with a friend who’s really been helping me through all this, A texted me. They said they were really sorry for disappearing for so long (about two weeks) and said that they’d just got a new job and taken a trip with their friend and just had been working. That sounds good and I haven’t responded yet but when I think about it I think a couple things, why do they care about me so much? and oh no, the bad feelings are coming back again…I guess I’m scared to talk to them. I’m scared of all the negative possibilities coming back. That paralyzing sadness and anxiety, the nocturnal panic attacks (which I successfully staved off for the first time the other night!), etc. I don’t want to hear about what they’ve been doing with B. It scares me that these intense emotions might come flooding back to me after I just started getting over it. I don’t feel like I’m ready to talk to A yet but I was getting there. It just feels premature. But, like I said, A cares about me which makes it that much harder for some reason. Anyway, I’ll let you guys know what happens tomorrow
Friend. Well done. message A back with a response to their apology. You don’t have to go into everything right now. You can do this. A took the time to text you and let you know what’s going on. Don’t bring B into the conversation and when it does arise, maybe tell A that it is a sensitive topic that you want to talk about another time.
Ok. So, here’s how it went. Really well. A was so kind and caring. I told them I’d been going through some stuff the past couple weeks (still not realizing it was because of them) and they just wanted to know if I was alright and if I needed anything. We talked for a while longer and they just dropped inside jokes and made me smile. Wanted to see me, too but I kind of pushed that away. I’m not ready for that yet. But I feel a lot better about the whole situation. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to forgive them but they were so kind and genuinely concerned about my well being that I simply couldn’t stay angry or upset. It was nice I still don’t feel like I can see them yet but after how well they treated me I was just filled with this overwhelming sense of love and compassion for them. I wish I could see them but I just can’t yet. I was next to their apartment last night talking to some friends and I was having a mini panic attack because I was afraid A might come out and worse yet, with B. Fortunately that didn’t happen. But at least things are better now. Maybe I can just let it go and move on
@Ryanthewhite I’m so freaking proud of you!! I’m glad that A was understanding. Maybe the next step when you’re ready is to meet with A in a place YOU are comfortable? Your place? A coffee shop maybe? They know how you feel now and they want to help you. I’m sure they won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Well done on reaching out. You should be so proud of yourself!