I am 31y. o. in a long term relationship. I have struggled with BPD and depression for a long time (most of my life). More recently also anxiety. I used self injury and prescription drugs (even otc) to try and numb out. I’ve done much better with both of those, although alcohol can be an issue. I had a fight the other evening with my partner because he says I am very critical of him. I know I can be, but also I don’t always mean to be. I love him more than anything and we have been doing very well with couples counseling. Things like this make me feel like I’m the problem and I just want to give up… stop trying. Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t matter. I ruin everything. I wish I could change myself. Or just shut my mouth and do nothing but exist because then I would never hurt anyone or feel like I am just destructive. I am a terrible person who tries constantly to be a better person but ultimately fails. I feel like I am banging my head on a wall. Trying not to just cut myself…
Hey @Insipid,
It’s objectively hard to deal with our mental health sometimes. We can feel pretty exhausted because of it. It can interfere in a loving relationship. When I was having a hard time dealing with my depression, my partner objectively suffered from it. I was easily nervous, tired, emotional, and I said things to him that I always regretted. I was mean and didn’t want to. It hurts when you feel like you are losing control and you hurt your beloved one. But… there is a need for some grace and forgiveness here. You’re not ruining everything, okay? Your partner loves you. And when he says you are critical of him, yes it’s objectively unpleasant, but it’s also positive: it shows that he trusts you. He feels a problem and want it to be solved, with you. It’s a deep mark of love and respect.
You are not a bad person. This post just shows how much you care and are willing to do the right thing. I hope you didn’t hurt yourself. I hope you didn’t turn this guilt against you. Try to keep communicating with your partner. In a calm and collected way. Try to see with him maybe what boundaries you could set together or just how you could progress together. Express to him that you are aware of the issue and want to find solutions, because you don’t meant to be mean. Maybe even consider showing him this message here that you just shared, if it helps. You said you love him and you done very well with couples counseling. That’s awesome! Keep walking on that road, friend. You’ll be okay. 