I know it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m sorry. I really am.
My life is crushing me my depression and anxiety are at an all time high. It’s getting harder to repress it. I’m trying but I can’t seem to do anything for myself anymore. I can’t even find the glimmer of happiness. I’m sorry
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Hey @Coyoteryder,
Thank you so much for being here and sharing some updates. 
There is no need to be sorry for having a rough time. Depression and anxiety are, objectively, difficult things to deal with and I’m so sorry to hear that it’s been harder for you recently. It’s not your fault. And you’re not failing anyone for struggling right now. Unfortunately, there are seasons in our life when it feels like we are crushed by everything. In such circumstances, it gets hard to find hope. But feeling how you feel doesn’t make you guilty of anything. No one will ever judge you here. We’re in this together. 
Is there anything happening in your life that is worsening your depression? Anyhting you would like to talk about, or just share? Sometimes just writing about what’s going on helps to find some relief and clarity. It’s also a good way to be reminded that we are not alone - especially when we’re already fighting depressive/anxious thoughts. I have no doubt you’ve been doing your best during the last months - just being here right now shows your strength. Though you know you are among friends here, and people in this community can help you shoulder this heaviness you’ve been carrying.
You are loved. If that’s okay for you, let us know how we can support you.
Thank you really. There’s things I want to talk about but I don’t know 100% how to talk about them the biggest thing that gets me this time of year is 5 years ago on October 17th my wife committed suicide October 30th of this year would have been my 7th wedding anniversary and I feel like it is entirely my fault that she is gone
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Gosh, I’m so sorry @Coyoteryder. My heart goes out to you. It just really makes sense to struggle with the loss of your wife and to be triggered by those two days. There are important days, anniversaries as well, of people that I lost and loved dearly, that I still don’t know how to deal with even years after. Grief is a long, slow, and non linear process. You lost a part of yourself, of your world. And I’m sorry this time of the year is bringing you back to these difficult emotions.
This guilt you’ve been carrying… friend, I don’t know you and I don’t know how your relationship was with your wife, but I can assure you: it was not your fault. And these words come from someone who’s been in this suicidal spiral. There are times when I am still in this dark place. But I can assure you, when someone’s heart is hurting, it doesn’t prevent them to love and to be loved. That love is often felt very deeply, even through what’s unsaid. You can love someone, so much, yet the decision for them to take their own life is a personal one. It’s about having wounds on your soul, nothing that could be “fixed” or healed by anyone but yourself. You, as a partner, probably knew her and loved her more than anyone else could. What happened then, how she left, was not in your control. It was not your fault.
Though by saying this, I don’t want to make you feel like what you said isn’t important either. Your feelings are valid. So if you want to talk about what makes you feel guilty about it, please don’t hesitate to do so. It’s totally okay.
Also, did you have the opportunity to talk to someone about what happened and how it makes you feel, during the last 5 years? Do you have a support system around you? Your loved ones, family, friends eventually, or even a therapist? It can be really heavy to carry those emotions alone. And I know it can also be hard to find the right places to talk about it. People’s life keep going on while our world collapsed, so oftentimes they assume that it gets better with time, and the places available to talk about loss and grief can be rare.
Know that there is no shame to feel how you feel, to have a rough time during this season. There is no need to apologize for it. And it’s okay to talk about it, no matter how, no matter which words you use and regardless of the time you’d need to find them. Just at your own pace, always. You’re among friends here.
I’m sending hugs to you.
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