I don’t want to write this. I don’t want to make another post about how life is hard lately and how I’m handling it (or not). I hoped that by now I would have some sort of progress in life. I’m tired of people checking in and my honest answer being, “yeah I haven’t been doing better at all” because something new rocks my world each week. I don’t even know how much I can share of what’s all been going on. Half the problems I’m dealing with involve issues I was taught to not share with just anyone. So I feel hesitant to even open up here because of the context. But I also know I need to say something.
Job hunting sucks. I’ve been putting all my energy into it and nothing good has come from it. I had an offer fall through. I’m getting no from everyone I do hear back from. I bombed an interview the other day. It’s just not going well. I very close to just throwing in the towel and signing up for the military, but I know that will possibly put me in a worst mental state. Idk if I could even make it through with recent medical issues coming up as well.
This past week my dad also decided he was going to find a new job as well. He’s been on the fence for the past few years. But something serious happened at the church that became his last straw. I feel like I can’t really talk about this as much as I’d like because it involves the church. It’s such a touchy topic that everyone is quick to hate on. But it’s also my family’s livelihood. And I still believe in that faith. But my church has screwed our family over for the past 20 years. I don’t know how to take what recently happened. And it’s taken an emotional hit on my parents, so it’s just been a lot for my whole family.
The past few weeks I already was dealing with a lot. I just am drained. I feel anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed. I’m restless and can’t focus on anything. I’m scared because the last time I felt this low was before I had a massive mental breakdown that derailed my whole life. I’ve fought for the past two years to get it back on track and I don’t want to go back to square one. With my family situation, I have to wait until I get a job to get back in therapy, but that’s again proving to be an issue. I just feel stuck.
It is so natural to want to see progress, which we sometimes equate with validation that our struggles and actions have been worthwhile. Unfortunately, life is messy and often does not respond proportionately based on our efforts. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for trying to do the best you can in spite of difficult circumstances. I sometimes think of the Greek concept of arete, which is striving to reach your highest potential, not measured on an absolute scale.
From personal experience, I can tell you that job hunting can be emotionally draining, especially in the face of numerous rejections. Please know that your sentiments about job hunting are shared by many people. The church situation also sounds stressful, and it can understandably feel like a betrayal when a key part of your life has not treated your family fairly despite the time, effort, and devotion that you and your family have demonstrated. If you find yourself wanting to continue to participate in that church and find meaning or personal benefit from that, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you have several positive memories and other aspects of your church that you’d like to continue experiencing, and to you the positives outweigh the negatives. Your continuation in that particular church is a personal choice and others should respect whatever you choose.
Hey friend.
Job hunting can be just… so soul draining. I really know that struggle well and even if you know all of the random advice “just keep trying! Apply everywhere!” There’s always a little of that “why are you not hiring me!?” frustration and doubt that can encompass so so many different things. I hear you. And you don’t have to “be doing” better for you to be loved and cared for. You’re around HS so I know you know that in your brain, but inwanted to say it again, just incase your heart has a hard time listening <3
As for church things, I hear you there, too. It is a touchy subject. I am of the same faith and I can share so so much good I have found and seen. But also, there’s all the horrible abuses caused in the name of the same faith. If these are the things that are frustrating you or you need to write out to process, I know this space will be protected for you in that way. I bet you and I could share a lot of stories, there, as it sounds like I might have similar experience with some similar wounds there. Anyway, point is, this place is full of people of lots of faiths. They’re all personal, but we love you, and that is a part of you.
You definitely have lots of huge life events happening all at once. I’d imagine it’s hard to look at them all and even pick a direction to try to find a way out, because… well they’re all so huge!
Can you break down anything into small steps? I’m talking like, “today I woke up, made coffee or tea, and looked for one job.” Because, from my own experience obviously yours may vary, those really really small steps were like cornerstones to me changing my life. They felt small and insignificant. Like I wasn’t making nearly enough progress and just taking the easy win to stop before I started. But everything was spinning out quickly for me, and I was headed to a really dark place. One small, real, tangible, easily managed step. Then another, then another, and before I knew it I had a path.
Thank you for posting and sharing and getting it all out of your head. Always happy to see you around!
Hi OP,
It seems, for the moment, you’ve hit a plateau. But this is just a passing moment. I know that it seems like nothing has changed. But you’d be surprised, if you look back, that a lot has changed. You are now more aware of your own shortcomings that you didn’t see in the past and maybe this will help you now to keep you from falling into the pits that you feel are coming.
Job hunting does stink. But believe me, it is worth the effort if you just keep trying. Don’t give up
What happened with your father, happened with your father. It is his cross to bear, not yours. It is his burden. As a person who has witnessed situations at my parish wherein people had to make similar decisions as he did, it was hard to watch them cope with what had happened and move forward. Let that be his battlefield. Yes, it may add stress to you but the stress he is feeling, possibly, is far more intense. The best thing for you to do is to support him as you are right now.
The curveballs of life come at a huge pace. You either strike out or you hit a home run. Don’t let the strikeouts destroy your game. You’ll get there
Hi beth_the_fake_ginger
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are really going through a lot. I am so sorry for that. Job hunting is hard especially for a person who suffers from mental illness in this era with covid and everything. Please keep trying. I know you have already tried a hundered times but maybe it is going to be the one-hundered and first. You have said that you have bumbed a job interview. What seemed to be the problem if you dont mind me asking.
Sometimes our believes get challanged. It is up to you to decide whether you will stand by them, change them or leave them. It is your desicion and nobody can force you to decide. I just want to tell you that our health and our safety is more important than what other people think. It is your life not theirs. I wish you luck in finding a job and stability in your life. I know it is hard but you can pull through. I believe in you. 
Hi Beth_the_fake_ginger,
First of all, thank you so much for reaching out here even if it isn’t comfortable.
I know you write that you can’t say a much, but still this says quite a lot still.
Job hunting is a very stressful thing. There is so much pressure from that in general and it sounds like you have a lot of extra things on top of that.
It is tough to say what would make it easier. But remember that for all the applications you send out you will get a lot of no’s but only need 1 yes. I know it seems tough with the no, but there is a yes in there somewhere, i promise you.
What i did was putting less pressure on myself, to focus more on writing better applications and on each application.
I sat down on a good day and wrote the basics, then once a week went through all the jobs i wanted to apply (Even if i didnt fit the expectations) and saved them. Then i send 3 each day to those. For me it took a lot of the pressure away, and made my application so much better, because i could put more focus on 3 rather than 20. I am not sure if this makes sense for you.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate so you feeling drained makes a lot of sense.
And sometimes we just hit a wall. It doesn’t have to mean that we are at a end or stuck, but that we have to recharge to get further. It is easy to see these times as stuck or bad, but it is really just us getting ready to fight again. And i am sure things has changed still, even if you feel like you cant say you are feeling better.
Just this i am fighting with too, things are getting better, but i dont really feel much better. I can see the steps i take, but the feeling hasnt really changed much when people ask how i am.
I hope you get to sit down for a bit, breath, recharge and get through this <3
Hi Beth, Thank you for your post, I first would like to say to you that when I first came to Heart support I remember meeting you and you were in a really dark place at the time and I remember thinking how brave you were. So Beth I can see your progress, I understand it has not been all uphill, maybe not even a straight even road but you have progressed. The Job thing is difficult because this is a time when there are so many people looking for work and struggling due to lockdown and people losing their jobs. I know how much finding work and getting out means to you and I am so proud of you for trying so hard, please don’t give up on that.
I am also sorry that everything that happened still continues to have such an emotional effect on you all, its not fair that any of you have had to go through this because of one person. I hope you don’t have to wait too long to get back into therapy Beth as I want you to get some help as soon as possible because you deserve to be happy Friend. You are a wonderful person. Much Love Lisa 
Hi there.
I’m glad you are continuing to share your journey even if it feels like you are not making any progress.
Job hunting is one of the worst things about being an adult. It can bring out all of our insecurities and fears about ourselves. I have never met someone who enjoys it. I hope you keep hunting and find a job that makes you happy and that they hire you and love you there.
I wish you all the luck in the world
Hi beth_the_fake_ginger,
You have a lot going on, and it’s clear that you’re struggling to cope with all that is currently happening around you. Desperate need for a job, being abused, feeling betrayed, it’s just a lot. It’s a lot of feelings happening at the same time, and you just feel completely clueless. First of all, is it possible for you to change the place where you go for church? If it is that seems like something that you should first do because it is clearly bringing you a lot of stress and if you want to focus on fixing your ongoing issues, that seems like the best option at first sight.
I don’t know the complete story - but what do you think is the issue that is stopping you from getting hired? In my opinion it could partially be that you are struggling with mental health issues and that they don’t want to hire people that struggle with those kinds of things. Maybe try not to mention it? I’m not sure, just a suggestion.
You’re not obligated, but if you have enough courage, feel free to follow up so that we can help you further.
I believe in you
From: Revan (Discord)
Hı there, so you have job issues and some problems that you do not want to share. it is okay. Life is about ups and downs huh? And sometimes our lives just go down for a bit much longer. And I guess you are in this situation. Well I was sexually harassed, assaulted when I was a child, got anxiety, lost my sister 2 years ago. And my life seemed to be going a lot down. Spent 3 years in hospitals, spent lots of money. And I always tried to be a good person. And I got healed. I am fine for 1 year now. My advice, always try to do the good thing, be a good person. Life is unfair for some of us I know, but whatever the situation is, always try to be a good person, I think that is the key. And I am sure you will find a job. No worries. Your life will be going up soon I hope, and hope you will be better. There is a sunrise for all the nights.
job hunting is hard, i can understand but instead of thinking that you arent doing better, you should look back on the progress youve made, even if you fail, youve still put in effort to look for a job and better yourself. whenever you think about giving up, just remember your progress and the progress youll make further ahead, square one just means a new slate for you to start over. your doing great and your trying to get a new job, thats great! be proud of yourself, and if your ever feeling stuck, remember, we can get you unstuck. 
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