Numb, empty, broken, forgotten

I feel like my depression really started back when i was 4 and my Biological father walked out on us… he decided he wanted boys… not girls and found himself a girlfriend who had boys… his loss ultimately… All of his other kids have either ended their relationships by cheating, have abandoned their child then go off and have more with someone else… or have been in and out of jail… all except me… * so i always say i was better off without him in my life*
fast forward a few years…when i was 9/10 my mom remarried. at age 11 i was sexually abused by my “step dad” which obviously would mess anyone up they divorced…
a few years later she remarried again ( they are still married… hes amazing)

anyways for years i basically gave my body to anyone who wanted it.
i got into using drugs and drinking at about 17 smoking pot and drinking mainly
at 20-21 i used Ecstasy daily for about 3-4 months.
i continued with smoking pot until i got with my now husband, he explained to me how he felt about smoking pot so i decided id rather have him in my life than to continue to smoke pot. weve been together just over 10 years married just over 5 and have a 9 year old son. our relationship hasnt been perfect by any means. we have come close to divorce over stupid things.

april 1st 2010 my Grandma passed away, she was the glue that held our family together… since she passed its been few and far between when i see my extended family :frowning:

beginning of last year we had a really REALLY bad fight… we didnt talk for days… finally we locked our selves in our bedroom and just laid it all out… there was alot of crying ( both of us) lots of yelling… and even some laughs. but because of the main reason we fought… i slept into a really really dark place… had even contemplated taking my life. had letters written for my mom, my son and my husband even. what stopped me was the thought of my son finding me.
i had written a poem about it one day at work… like didnt even realize what i was writing it… i showed it to my husband and he broke down. he didnt realize how depressed I was. i dont have health insurance so cant get on any anti depressant meds or see a counselor, so im fighting it on my own

this year has been one of the worst years… my pappy. my rock for my entire life… passed away suddenly in april… 8 years and 6 days after his wife. its been impossible to get myself up from the deep depression his death sent me into…
and just as i was starting to feel a LITTLE better… i find out they sold the house… my extended family SOLD my grandparents house… It feels like they just erased my grandparents… like they didnt really matter… i feel like i dont know who i am anymore… i spent my childhood in that house… i know its just a house. and i know i still hold all those memories in my heart… it doesnt help.

sorry i know i ramble :frowning: sorry if this was/ is hard to read…

i suck at talking. typing… etc…

(this is one of my most prized pictures… its the ONLY picture i have of my Son and my Pappy together my son was 1 day old in this picture. the woman in the pink shirt next to him is my grandma. i also only have 1 picture of her an my son )



Man, I feel this so much. Thank you so much for sharing – gosh, what a ROLLER COASTER it has been for you over the past…well, your entire life xD Starting from the traumatic exit of your dad, the traumatic entrance of your “step dad”, the over-time-trauma of giving away your body and drowning your pain with substances, the natural battlefield of conflict in marriage, the depth of sorrow losing your grandparents…man, it has been a really rough go for you. I am impressed with your courage, with your grit and your willingness to keep fighting. I’m so happy that you and your husband works it out together…that’s so beautiful and powerful. He sounds like a good man too.

Not sure if you’re aware of this resource, but HS has a partnership with an online counseling service called BetterHelp where you can get 7 days of counseling for free. You have to sign up with your credit card but can cancel immediately and keep the trial. I know it’s not a permanent solution, but it could be a really great first step for you getting into bettering yourself and finding healing.

Go here to check that out.

Also, if you want our program on overcoming depression for free, go here to grab that too.

Proud of you. Seriously. Your heart is so good. Love you friend. Thank you for your courage.



thank you Nate for your kind words. sorry i haven’t responded sooner. we had a major earthquake here in Alaska on November 30th. so bad they closed school for all of last week. some schools will remain closed the remainder of the school year… my anxiety surrounding the earthquakes has been ridiculously high!!.
gotta say thought… with being so on edge about the earthquake and the some 3000 plus aftershocks its kept my mind off of other things that normally plague my thoughts. its pretty bad thought when just crawling into bed makes you anxious… ( i was in bed when the earthquake hit.)
the joys of living in Alaska…

but again. thank you for your kind words :smiley: