I had a lonely afternoon today. I was again triggered a bit by a friend, who asked me a few days ago to support her with her uni work with recommending a certain software to her. The topic was interesting, so I digged in, tried the software myself, and came to results that was suitible for my friend. So I gave her all the information in a text chat. I saw her online yesterday, and this morning, but no reaction. This morning there was just the reaction “How many …?” “Where download?”
I was pissed a bit, because she wasn’t talking to me privately the last couple of days, and now she did not even came up with a “good morning”.
I answered first with “Good morning at first” to which she replied with “good morning”. I gave her the information she requested, and all was “Thanks” and nothing else. I would have wished for, hey how are you doing and at least a couple of minutes of chatting.
It triggered my fears again, and my paranoia, not as hard as it used to be, and I was aware of it instantly. It hurt, so I tried to distract myself, which didn’t work, so I went to take a nap.
When I got up, I checked if there were any messages from her, either some questions or anything, but nothing, and I guess I shouldn’t expect anything. I felt lonely and I just wanted to talk to someone.
About over an year ago, I had that intensive online contact with a girl from asia. It was a pretty intense contact, however we lost it over - lets say “cultural differnces”. While I was scolling through my phone, I saw her contact details and without much thinking I messaged her.
She instantly replied, and we exchanged a bit of information about we were doing, and what was up. She also mentioned that she was engaged now. I was a bit hurt, because we had a very intesive time together, but she was on the other side of the world, and we hadn’t met irl - I told her I was happy for her, because she was suffering from the fact, that she did so hard to find someone irl before.
The chat lasted 3 hrs, And it became intense. Too intense as it should have been with an engaged woman. I loved her attention though, and I enjoyed it too much than to stop what was happening, she really cared and was there for me. And the other things also were great to experiance again, feeling wanted and desired.
Still I fee a bit guilty - not on a moral side .- she is a grown women and knows what she is doing - but I feel a bit I have used her for my mental desires.