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Old contact

I had a lonely afternoon today. I was again triggered a bit by a friend, who asked me a few days ago to support her with her uni work with recommending a certain software to her. The topic was interesting, so I digged in, tried the software myself, and came to results that was suitible for my friend. So I gave her all the information in a text chat. I saw her online yesterday, and this morning, but no reaction. This morning there was just the reaction “How many …?” “Where download?”
I was pissed a bit, because she wasn’t talking to me privately the last couple of days, and now she did not even came up with a “good morning”.

I answered first with “Good morning at first” to which she replied with “good morning”. I gave her the information she requested, and all was “Thanks” and nothing else. I would have wished for, hey how are you doing and at least a couple of minutes of chatting.

It triggered my fears again, and my paranoia, not as hard as it used to be, and I was aware of it instantly. It hurt, so I tried to distract myself, which didn’t work, so I went to take a nap.

When I got up, I checked if there were any messages from her, either some questions or anything, but nothing, and I guess I shouldn’t expect anything. I felt lonely and I just wanted to talk to someone.

About over an year ago, I had that intensive online contact with a girl from asia. It was a pretty intense contact, however we lost it over - lets say “cultural differnces”. While I was scolling through my phone, I saw her contact details and without much thinking I messaged her.

She instantly replied, and we exchanged a bit of information about we were doing, and what was up. She also mentioned that she was engaged now. I was a bit hurt, because we had a very intesive time together, but she was on the other side of the world, and we hadn’t met irl - I told her I was happy for her, because she was suffering from the fact, that she did so hard to find someone irl before.

The chat lasted 3 hrs, And it became intense. Too intense as it should have been with an engaged woman. I loved her attention though, and I enjoyed it too much than to stop what was happening, she really cared and was there for me. And the other things also were great to experiance again, feeling wanted and desired.

Still I fee a bit guilty - not on a moral side .- she is a grown women and knows what she is doing - but I feel a bit I have used her for my mental desires.

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Hey Ishwood,

Talk about dramatically opposite dilemmas in both of these scenarios. On the one hand, you have someone who you’ve poured a lot of energy into who basically ignored you. This prompted your insecurities and pain of feeling insignificant or unworthy or invisible. And on the other hand, you have someone who gave you a lot of attention – perhaps an inappropriate amount of attention – and you feel guilty about taking what might not be something you should receive.

I know it’s been about a week since you posted, but I still want to thank you for posting and sharing this. Relationships can be so complicated and messy, especially the closer you get to other people because your insecurities and imperfections rub up against those of the other person. And it’s hard, especially in relationships over the internet, to work through those things in a clean way and maintain positive relations with one another.

What’s good is that you’re aware of the underlying emotional needs that you have and you’re at least trying to bring them above the subconscious level – to name them: I see that I am craving attention, I see that this hurt me, I see that I was expecting or hoping for a certain reaction. That is a great step. Good work!

I’m curious what you see are the possible next steps in your relationships to try to make sure they’re continuing to improve in their healthiness in your life.

-Nate

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I did not make big progress from there. Today there was a similar situation where I just wanted to talk to someone, not about my problems, just being recognized. And I was there for over an hour in the discord of that community, and a few of my friends were there. I messaged them in the chat, and also as PM but noone reacted. I was triggered again, fell into my pothole of selfpity, feeling abandoned and distanced.

I tried to get aware of the dynamics again, but the pain was there and real. I contacted one other member of heartsupport and vented, and she really was helpfull, not giving only sympathy and support, but tried to keep my focus on the dynamics and tried to keep me drowning in my feelings.

At some point, my friends joined the voice chat and I joined them and everything was back to normal - but they didn’t mentioned why they didn’t reply to me, and I didn’t ask.

I really hate myself for falling into those moods over and over again. If I would have reacted on my paranoia and pain, I might have accused my friends of something what isn’t there.

So I am not less confused than one week ago.

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Hi Ish,

I can identify with this post. I have a bad habit of overthinking everything, and the behaviors of the people around me are not exempt from this. It’s easy to feel that you are being wrongfully ignored and people refusing to tell you why does nothing but cause the paranoia to fester and grow worse. It’s hard to make paranoia go away. In cases like these I will tell myself that perhaps they have something else they are focusing on, because if I don’t, those negative thoughts come on full force where I also feel alone and betrayed.

I find that it’s best for me if I remind myself that I over think, it’s been an issue of mine for many, many years. Then, I will usually ask myself if our history has shown that they purposely just ignore me or if it’s in their nature to reply to me as soon as possible. If it has been in the person’s nature to just not answer me, that’s when I start having the conversation with myself about whether or not I should be putting my time and effort into the friendship. And if they usually are punctual, I try to give them more time because it’s more likely that they are otherwise occupied.

I’m sorry the people in your like treat you like this, Ish. Maybe it’s time to find new people to ‘surround’ yourself with?

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I doubt that would actually help much. I have been in this and simlar situations since I can think. The only common factor was me, so that is where I have to look for a solution for this.

If you have read my life story in my very first post here, you know about my youth and how my parents have treated me. I think there is a connection to my situation today. There is a certain way of perception deeply linked in me, that I have to deal with and work out, to get a correct way to deal with my friends, not having the urge to get their attention in that emotional level I obviously seem to desire.

I understand that, but I don’t think it’s unusual for a person to feel hurt if they reach out in a social setting and are ignored for some time. I also don’t think it’s unusual to want companionship and friends that you can talk to if you need someone to talk to.

It is true, what we experience in our childhoods certainly influences how we handle situations in adulthood and we should definitely work to make ourselves better people, but I also think we mustn’t forget that we as people have needs and are hardwired to be social. It is in our nature, for the most part, to want to be around people. That doesn’t make you a bad person. From what I’ve seen you like to help people and make a difference, so I think so far as I’ve seen, you are a good person. I just hope that you to remember that on hard days.

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