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Old Wound Reopened for a Child of the LGBTQ Community

Hey folks, Its yer boy zero.

I need to talk about something I rarely speak about, which is growing up the son of a trans person, because a wound I thought was healed in regards to it has reopened today.

Growing up in the 90’s (I am an old) was a pretty rough time, as my parent came out when I was 6, which is why my mom left. I spent the bulk of my childhood getting beaten up, ostracized and mocked with various homophobic slurs because of this.

I’ve watched my parent lose jobs over their identity, and seen people hurl insults at them and I from across the street, and seen people levy some pretty monstrous implications just because of them being trans.

To this day I struggle with making and maintaining friendships, and I’ve spent my entire life when building those connections hard as they may be prefacing them all with “So, my parent is trans, let me know now if that bothers you so we can part ways.”

Now I’ve always worked real hard to get past all of this, until today. During the most recent primary election, my parent was the judge of elections and did some questionable things. Well intentioned, but questionable, to the point they are considering criminal charges.

This would be heavy enough on its own.

Then today was the testimony hearing, and as it’s my parent I was super concerned, so I dug up a live feed on it. It was fine, even if people were testifying against them (Im a firm believer that if you mess up, own up, and deal with the consequences, personal accountability is a big deal to me) until I noticed the live comment feed.

The feed was full of misgendering and homophobic slurs, and I immediately was taken back to being this kid who just so desperately wanted friends, wanted some people he could be a kid with, and found nothing. Took me back to being that kid who was beaten up so often for being gay when he wasnt that he went to bed wishing that he woke up gay so the beatings would be “Justified” in some messed up way.

It felt like every ounce of progress I’ve made in the last 15 years or so working past my childhood was ripped away in an instant, and now I’m sitting here working, angry at everything, wanting to fight the world, and at the same time weep.

My wife, my rock, however has done what she can to try to help me, and I’m blessed to have her. She sees my temper flaring up over little things that wouldnt normally bother me at work, and come up behind me to remind me to breathe, and calm down, and that Im not mad at the things Im mad at, Im mad at the bigots, but its still real heavy.

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Wow, that’s tough. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your parent.

People with nothing intelligent to say go for the low-hanging fruit, picking on people’s traits. Your parent’s gender identity had nothing to do with the issues at hand, and the people making fun of your parent are small-minded and insecure idiots. However, that doesn’t make it any easier to experience, and it doesn’t disqualify you from flashbacks to your childhood. It’s so great that your wife knows when and how to calm you down, and that she has the wisdom to remind you you’re not mad at the things you think you’re mad at. That’s something everybody needs to hear sometimes.

My advice would be to talk it out, journal it out, go to sleep early, and stay away from comment sections. People can say whatever they want to online because they’re in no danger of getting punched in the mouth, and they don’t see the hurt they inflict on the other side of their computer screens. Maybe, if you’re willing or able, call your parent and tell them you love them. You don’t necessarily have to get into what’s going on, but it affirms to you and your parent that you love them no matter what other strangers say.

Hey @ZeroHourHero,

As I was reading your post, I couldn’t help but being mad too. It’s crazy how the language of hatred can be used so often rather than dialogue and understanding. Those comments that you read are stupid, with no value or any sense of truth in it. People who commented don’t know what they’re talking about. You know that already. But I understand that it’s not that easy to focus on what’s true or not while you are hurting.

Those comments triggered you and how you feel now, at the same time sad and mad, vulnerable like you were as a kid, makes totally sense. You didn’t have any control over those comments, and certainly not over how it’s affecting you immediately. It’s shocking to feel pushed backwards like this. But you are not this little kid anymore. You didn’t lose the progress and all the efforts you made for so many years. They didn’t steal it. It’s yours. And even if it feels like you are moving backwards, like regressing, you are not.

It’s good that you took some time to write this down and acknowledge how this situation makes you feel. Take your time to process. Take your time to feel. This anger that you have, it shows your strength and the fact that you know that what happened shouldn’t be like this. But now you’ll probably have to find ways to channel it and make it something that you can use at your own advantage. You’ve shown your determination in the past, your perseverance. You’re still on this road. You are strong, you are safe, and it sounds that your wife is an incredible supporter. She’s reminding you what’s needed not to burn yourself in this situation, and that’s awesome! Really glad that you can count on her.

They were wrong, Zero. The people who commented during this testimony hearing didn’t have the right to say what they said. And the same goes to all the people who hurt you and your parents in the past. But you are not wrong by feeling how you feel right now. I look forward to finding restoration and peace in your heart in regards of this old wound. And for what happened to be turned into a new pillar of strength to you.

Hugs. :heart:

@ZeroHourHero you are so incredibly brave and it means so much to have you trust us and open up here about something that has been a thread through your entire life. To have it resurface like this could mean a number of things for you and your mental health, but I hope instead of feeling like the kiddo who desperately wants to be accepted and have people’s approval, you can recognize those feelings but acknowledge that where you are at in your life (here with Heartsupport) means you are strong and in possession of the tools you might need to overcome these feelings in a meaningful way. Not easily, but hardly alone.

In my experience, retraumatization for me has resulted in serious mental health setbacks. I can relate to your feelings right now so acutely and my heart aches for what you are going through. I am so glad you have your wife, and I feel so lucky to have you here in our lives. Your story is so important to me, and I am hopeful that when we speak next you feel loved, supported, and we can learn about how you are doing. :hrtlegolove:

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