I’ve been so deluded over the years on what it is I’m actually doing to help myself, I can’t even be sure if I’m making progress or not. When I got out of the hospital mid July, I told myself that I was finally ready for change. In that time, I’ve started showering every day, keeping on top of house cleaning more, stopped eating out, and got a job. However, instead of being proud of myself for those things, I tend to be overly critical of the ways I fall short. (For example, day to day maintenance like dishes/litter/taking out the trash has improved but some deep cleaning keeps getting pushed off). I have no idea who I am, or who I really want to be and am seemingly struggling with figuring that out still.
I have a hard time talking to my co-workers, because there’s so little going on in my life and I don’t really want to be a downer or say “I was in the hospital right before this job after a two year long psychotic break came crashing down around me and have no idea how to properly rebuild my life or social skills.” I basically just go in, do the job and leave. It’s rather lonely. I’m also afraid to reach out to people for socialising and am having a hard time nurturing new and old connections. I’m constantly afraid that I’m just repeating old toxic patterns and making things worse without realsing it. Finding ways to connect with the community around my work schedule is also challenging. I still volunteer for a local centre for the arts, but am definitely still procrastinating a lot on work I do for them. The tiny little job I have burns me out way more than it should. It’s an easy job and the people are all very friendly and the vibes are super chill. As I adjust I am able to take on more before/after work, but I’m still passing out way too early. I sometimes wonder if I’m prioritising the wrong things in my spare time.
I’ve been researching healthier dishes, started baking a little here and there. My brother and I started family counseling to work on our issues. The job has been a great way to practice ignoring distressing/dark thoughts in the moment.
I’m still hesitating on drawing up some letters/emails of apology as well. I’ve gone back over some of the attempts I’ve made in the past to “apologise” and realise they just kinda stir the pot and lack accountability. I was in such an altered state, I don’t even think I’m fully aware of the harm I was causing. It makes it difficult to know where to start in terms of “making things right.” Especially when some behaviours I want to shed are still prevalent and I don’t notice until after.
TBH I’m not even really sure why I’m posting about this. I used to seek out kudos for even the smallest and most basic things, but the truth is the more unwarranted praise/credit I receive the guiltier I feel about how I’ve carried on, especially over the past few years.
