I’ve been struggling with PTSD nightmares since 2015. To me when I say PTSD nightmares I mean both nightmares about my trauma and just dreams with my abuser in it somewhere. I would jot down every time I had one of these dreams.
For the first few years the dreams were usually just my abuser stalking, following, attacking, kidnapping, assaulting me or whatnot. Sometimes I would dream of just wandering around my house and my abuser coming out from behind me and grabbing or stabbing me. One time I had a dream he was standing over my bed watching me which was especially disturbing. In another one I dreamt he had broken into my new home that I knew he didn’t know about, which was the first dream I woke up crying because up until that point I had felt so safe there.
For a long time after that, the dreams would go like this - I see my abuser and immediately I confront him, ask him if he knew he would give me PTSD, who else he hurt, if his wife and child are safe, certain questions specific to the trauma that I never got answers to, and sometimes I’ll just scream at him, call him names, scream all the names of his other victims over and over again, etc. Sometimes his wife would be in the dream and I would pull her aside and ask if he’s hurting her, if she needs help, and sometimes I even help her pack her bags. Sometimes the dreams were just pure flashbacks and sometimes they were so vivid and sensory that it would force me awake (it literally felt like someone was grabbing me in real life).
Every time I had these dreams I would recap and rehearse them before I opened my eyes. As I came out of one of the dreams, I kept imagining writing it down and reading it over, writing it down and reading it over, while trying to explain to myself, “You’re still dreaming, you have to do this in real life. Wake up.” Then it hit me. This is so stupid. They are living rent free in my head. I am tired of keeping track of them. They are taking up more space than they deserve. The sheer space they take up on paper and in my mind is only enabling the vicious cycle by restricting the variety of inspiration to take from. I didn’t want to give my abuser that kind of power over me anymore. I had therapy the next day and decided to tell my therapist about it. He said it was a big move for me.
Obviously this didn’t cure me of PTSD nightmares although this was a major turning point. I still has several dreams thenceforth where I was either grilling my abuser or rescuing his wife, but slowly I started to have less distressing dreams. My abuser and sometimes his wife would still be there, but in one dream I had entered a room where they both were and immediately backed up and closed the door. Or my abuser and I would recognize each other at a bar and roll our eyes and gag but finish our drinks. Then I had a dream that I went and saw Ethel Cain perform in a vintage living room to a small audience and my abuser was there, but I decided not to approach him and he didn’t approach me. It was the first time my abuser and I simply coexisted and I still enjoyed myself.
I most recently had a dream that my abuser’s friends kidnapped me (it seems my subconscious is finally done with my abuser and now is shifting to the immediate surroundings) and it was the kind of dream that just makes the entire day feel uneasy, but I realize that healing isn’t linear and I will have dreams like this sometimes. I’m not complaining though, I will certainly take this over what it used to be.
