I find myself at a low and in need of support again.
First Christmas without my dad so grief is hitting pretty hard. The empty chair at the table. No one to take photos. There’s this hole I don’t want to acknowledge.
And then there’s the other crap…I have covid and it feels never ending. My oxygen is low and has been for almost two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s affecting my brain? Idk.
Also, first Christmas with a diagnosed eating disorder. All the food…its hard not giving in to binge urges. And I totally had a panic attack today over not being able to do a certain ED behavior (no details cuz not about to trigger anyone else).
In so many ways my life feels like a big disaster or nightmare I can’t escape from. Just when I think things will be okay, something else knocks everything out of alignment again. I really don’t know how I’m going to survive tomorrow or get through much more of this.
And for those following my story, I’m still in MH treatment. Back from res (insurance kicked me out 2.5weeks in) and back in virtual IOP. It’s complicated. I might get released from this program due to inability to pay my res bill. It’s just one more thing being taken away.
I’m sorry you’re having such difficulties. The holidays tend to magnify emotional challenges. It’s hard not to look around and see all problems at once. That’s what’s overwhelming. When there’s a lot of issues to deal with, remember you can only focus on one thing at a time, and while paying attention to it, worrying about other things is a harmful distraction. The mind can deal with one thing in one moment, and repeat the process over and over until you’ve dealt with enough for a while.
Take breaks from thinking about any problems, even if only for 30 minutes at a time. I don’t think you need to make any radical dietary changes while dealing with Covid. For now, you need enough nutrition to help your body to overcome it.
Low oxygen does affect thinking. Sleep apnea has caused my oxygen to drop into the 70’s. Then, I’d wake with a headache.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to stay with the IOP program. If you feel as though you’re approaching a crisis, call a help line and/or go to the ER. When you feel anxious, it’s harder to manage behaviors you want to change. Anxiety over eating suggests to your mind that you can’t succeed in maintaining a decent diet. The same is true about any kind of change you want to make. Therefore, it’s important to address the anxiety with your therapist, because that’s interfering with your ability to change your habits.
I feel bad that you’re facing all this at Christmas. Maybe you can think of it as a new beginning, and an opportunity to change perceptions, most importantly about yourself. You’ve done a lot of struggling, and have overcome a lot. Give yourself some credit, and acknowledge the strength it took you to get this far. Setbacks are simply steps in the process of succeeding.
I’m glad you’ve taken the time to keep posting here. Holidays themselves are tough for so many - it brings its share of losses and painful reminders -, but there’s also these other stressors in your life that happened to pile up. It is understandable and okay to feel lost when there are so many things happening at once. Right now, it’s like you are in the middle of a storm, which makes it hard to see beyond it. I want to encourage you to keep taking it one day at a time, and taking care of yourself as much as possible. Your heart needs it so very much right now, and your body too. Once you recover from Covid a little more, it will be easier to feel more energized, to think clearly and feel strengthened. Right now the circumstances are not the best. So let your heart feel what it needs. Let yourself grieve, and rest. It won’t be like this forever. It is yet another season to go through. You have all that it takes to overcome it, to make it through.
