Part of me feels unwell

[8-bit]

You’re far away now, and I’ve been so afraid of hurting you. Or anyone, for that matter, but especially you, friend.

I should feel relieved, at least. Certainly not happy, I would rather be able to see him physically, but relieved. I cannot hurt him if I am not near him, right?

I do not feel that.

I feel sick, though. Not in my body, when thousands of cells are summoned to fight and die for my survival, but a sickness of the heart.
I feel, not the burning, but instead, as if I have been locked in a room and the only escape is to solve a problem with no solution.

In here, I cannot feel the strength of life, the happiness that I once had. Everything is gray, and I can only be tired. I can no longer see a purpose.

Nothing outside has changed, not even my perception of everything that I happen to and everything that happens to me. No matter what I do, I am simply unable to feel anything ‘good’, just like some sort of injury keeps me from running.

So, I keep existing for a contract I made with him a while back, and knowing that to stop will hurt him like nothing before.

I know you care about me a lot, you tell me to do this for myself, but it is very difficult to think in terms of ‘me’. I haven’t been able to do that for a long time. I don’t want you to feel bad, as if you are trapping me here (though I do feel somewhat trapped), if that is what you feel at all. You really are not, it is just easier for me to do this for you. I hope you don’t mind.

Sometime during the night he broke into the grayness. Then, for the rest of that night I could do nothing but think about the part of me that could get up and challenge the demons of every day. It was easy for that part of me to go to Heart Support and encourage others to keep going, but somehow, it is so difficult to listen to myself. Perhaps, it has to do with the other part screaming that it does not want to be saved.

I miss you, my friend.

He says he misses me.

I miss me too.

[Shan]

Hello 8-bit,

Thank you for sharing. Your post was written in such a creative way. It does leave a lot of room for interpretation, and I’m not sure if my interpretation is 100% correct. But I’m gonna go ahead and make a response based on what I think you are trying to convey:

From what I gathered it seems as though you are speaking on a deep internal struggle within yourself. As if there are two versions of you and how you feel (the old version that was happy, and the new version that is living in grayness). A lot of what is described/written reminds me of creative words I used to describe my own personal experience with depression. If this is what you are currently dealing with then I just want to let you know that there is someone that can resonate with your words and your feelings. And you are not alone. This internal dialogue is very true to the experience of being aware of your struggle and wanting to get better but being unsure about how, or if that is even possible for you. Writing can be such a beautiful outlet for difficult feelings and I am glad that you have been able to use it to express yourself on this platform. I do also hope that you are able to access deeper methods of support that can help you navigate through this turmoil in a way where the part of you that you miss can slowly start to win the battles and return. From personal experience, I can let you know, that it is possible, and I hope this provides you with some hope to keep pushing and holding on.

Please feel free to provide any clarifications if my response or thoughts were incorrect in any way.

[ThriceTheThird]

Hello 8-bit

Hope your day is going as best as it can, given your current circumstances. I can relate to what you are writing here. The being locked in a room to solve a problem with no solution. Although I am not sure there is a permanent solution to what I experience, or you experience. I do believe that there is relief at times, and that these times can potentially be lengthened if you do find ways to be free of symptoms. The greyness, and lack of feeling anything good. The ability, or desire to help others, but that help not necessarily being something that can always help your own self. I relate to these things a lot. I appreciate you for being able to share what you are going through, and for being here. I’m not sure the answers to these on-going struggles, as I still also experience them on a regular basis. I’ve been trying to think all day of how to reply to this, it’s hard for me to really find the words for a good reply because of my understanding of how hard it is to go through, and my understanding of how hard it is to figure it out. I do however care and hope that you can find answers to the things you are struggling with.