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For what it’s worth, I am so proud of you. We don’t really know each other but I had several occasions to read you here and on Discord. And yes, a huge yes, you are such a good and caring person.
I feel for you, for what you’ve been through and for your family situation. It’s a real injustice to find yourself in such a situation, but yet you keep having compassion in spite of everything. This ambiguity you feel, the questions you ask yourself and having days like now are perfectly legitimate and understandable.
Sadly, the different reactions of your mother, your aunt and your cousin seem to be, at least for the moment, their own way of deeling with the situation - or denying it. But it’s also a real violence for you and I’m truly sorry for this.
Somehow, I can relate to this ambiguous feeling and this unanswered questioning, related to physical violence and abuses that happened in my own family. There is absolutely no point in sharing more details here, but the reason why I tell you this is because I want to share one thought with you. And it’s something I try to hang on to when things gets darker. So I hope this can brings you some confort too, even if it’s not much.
By taking on this particularly ungrateful role, by holding on to certain values despite anger sometimes or this strong feeling of injustice, by maintaining a certain compassion for those who have been harmful because I know they had to go through the same before, by having dared to speak about what happened, even if that provoked rejection and denial, I’m holding on to something for my family and for myself: to stop the violence. To no longer maintain this infernal cycle made of unspoken, silences, displaced anger and guilt. There is a new possibility : to ensure the violence that should never have existed, repeated through the generations, will stop with me. Because I’m not in pure anger, rejection or denial. Because I can see others as both victims and executioners and continue to have deep empathy for them, despite everything.
That’s what you are doing, Koyangi. And you’re not invisible for us here. You’ll never be.
Sending much love your way, @DearKoyangi. You’re a wonderful human being.