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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Gone Away by Five Finger Death Punch
“please let me trade, i would” not just a veteran survivor guilt thing.
i am ex-emergency services worker. in 2017 i had a car accident and survived. i walked away, and went home.
6 months later, my mentor and trainer from my unit died the same way. he rang me the night he died to see how i was doing. i didn’t take the call coz i was asleep. my ex-wife took
the call. the next morning i got a call from the unit to tell me he was gone. the hardest day (or one of) was standing in the guard of honour, hearing his kids and grand kids wailing as his coffin was put into the hearse. as that vehicle rolled out, we stood there, like statues, saluted as the car went past. i can still hear those wails. fresh, like i am still there. i often wonder why things turned out the way they did.
i have never served in the military. not taking anything from those people either. heroes, every single one of them.
survivor guilt is real tho. for many folks.
much love and respect to you all.
Good Morning friend. Thank you so so much for speaking on such a difficult subject and for bearing a bit of your soul to us.
I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your mentor and trainer. Based on your story, it sounds like you considered them a close friend. And I absolutely understand why that would haunt you. It sounds like a situation that can easily entirely redefine your life.
I can also see what you mean about the similarities between your experience and the experience that veterans have. The bargaining or questioning. The wondering what would’ve been different. What could you have done, if anything.
That sounds like such a difficult situation and you’re entirely valid for feeling the way that you feel.
It’s hard for me to relate to survivor’s guilt in the same way. But I imagine for many folks in the community, those that struggle with mental health, there are a number of people who have lost someone to suicide. And in that way, their stories aren’t too different. The questions, bargaining, wondering if they could’ve done anything. The “i should’ve known and seen the signs”.
It sounds like grief has a way of twisting us up until we’re shouting at the sky as if it’s willing to bargain.
And it sounds like it could be a vacuum for all of the good things to disappear into if we aren’t careful.
I appreciate your perspective here and the way this song speaks to you, even if that is from a slightly different angle. These types of discussions really bring to light the solidarity of humanity and show that even in our differences, there are common threads.
Don’t hesitate should you want to post again, talk, etc. You’re loved. Hold fast, my friend.