Prayer request/ understanding my thoughts

[Lyss]

I don’t usually ask for prayers but right now if you have time I’d really appreciate them.

Today I worked the last day at my job and I still need to find a new one. I have applied and applied and I still need to apply for more but I pray and hope I will be accepted to work where my sister works at a daycare.

I applied there last year but I was not qualified at all for the job with only having a fast food job under my belt and literally just out of high school. I was awkward and anxious and just not ready. Now I have a lot more experience even with babysitting. I have learned how much I love kids and just want to have a positive impact on their lives, because I know how I have been affected as a kid.

I would really appreciate all prayers, and I hope to return the favor one day. Right now I am at the end of my rope honestly.

Sometimes I feel like with how I react to certain situations I may be dealing with more then just anxiety/depression. Or maybe it’s just becasue it’s been so constant my whole life of being put down when I’m happy or proud. My mom says just to stay strong but I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying.

Today my dad got mad at me for not doing something the way he wanted weeks ago- but it was just today that he brought it up. So I plunged into a deep depressed state; my mom told me that it was fine and just calm down but I don’t even know what to say. That’s not how it works.

Just don’t be sad. Yeah. Maybe I’m just too weak.

All I can think of is how much I’ve messed up; how last year I broke a friendship so much it seams not fixable. It was my fault and I know it, even though I’ve been told it’s not me I know it’s me. I remember so much of all the arguments and I can’t let it go. I know it was my fault.

I love someone but I don’t think it’s ever going to work out. The things on my mind have been sex and alcohol honestly. Can’t drink yet so that’s frustrating, sex isn’t really an option either because When I have sex for the first time I want it to actually mean something, not just becasue I wanted it.

I’ve been tempted to take my medication more than recommended and I fell for that wish once already, I almost did today but I didn’t.

When things happen like people get mad at me the thoughts I have are t logical. My dad gets annoyed with me and that turns into I deserve to be freezing even though there’s a blanket right next to me or I have gloves in my car; or like right now I deserve to be starving becasue I messed up.

I’ve been drowning myself in depression memes and basically suicidal memes. It’s like trying to put a bandaid on a gunshot wound- it doesn’t help, and if it does it’s for a minute.

I’ve said it before but the thing I relate to most is how a wound won’t heal unless you keep picking at it. I won’t heal unless I get out of this house.

It’s not that I don’t love my parents.

I just know that I need to heal. And staying here isn’t going to help. Talking to my mother about my suicidal thoughts isn’t going to help- I see it as like a mom talking to her 5 year old about her financial struggles- its just not the person to talk to about the situation.

I opened up to my sister and told her I literally wanted to die but I don’t think she knows how to help or just sees it as not serious; I know she’s been busy and dealing with a lot too and I’m not mad at her for it; I’ve been really open with it a lot lately and talking about it isn’t helping. I know I need to work on things, no one else can solve my problems except for me- right now I feel isolated and alone.

I don’t want to make it out like I don’t get encouragement from the community, I do, I just don’t feel it lately.

Im sorry for long post. Take care. Once again thank you for any prayers.

[Danny]

Dear @Lyss

@Lyss

Maybe I’m just too weak.

You’re not weak. You’re in a really tough spot, and you feel like all hope is lost. Trust me when I say that you’re not alone in feeling this. But I want you to remember, the darkest hour is just before dawn. You are strong, you can make it through this.

@Lyss

It was my fault and I know it, even though I’ve been told it’s not me I know it’s me. I remember so much of all the arguments and I can’t let it go. I know it was my fault.

I’m right here, right now. My ex and I split up in November over arguments, and I blame myself. We tried being friends, and the arguments continued. It’s rough, I know. In this world, you are going to interact with a lot of people. I like to imagine it as lines on a graph. Some people intersect with your life, and stay for a while. Others may only stay for a fleeting moment. But somewhere along the line, you will meet someone who’s with you for the long run. These people are the best friends you could get. Cherish and value them.

You talk about wanting to use alcohol. Please don’t go down that path, it isn’t worth it. Alcohol and illicit drugs don’t solve your problem. They are, as you said, a bandaid on a gunshot wound: a temporary fix. At the end of it all, the problem is still there.

@Lyss

I fell for that wish once already, I almost did today but I didn’t.

This is good, I’m proud of you for staying strong and not giving in. I really am. Being depressed feels like an uphill battle on a muddy slope. No matter how hard you fight to climb, you just keep sliding backwards. But eventually, you find a way. Maybe it’s a rocky path. Maybe the sun comes out and the mud dries, so you can walk. Things will get better eventually.

@Lyss

When things happen like people get mad at me the thoughts I have are t logical. My dad gets annoyed with me and that turns into I deserve to be freezing even though there’s a blanket right next to me or I have gloves in my car; or like right now I deserve to be starving becasue I messed up.

Don’t blame yourself. This is a mentality that comes as part of being depressed. But unlike some mindsets, this one isn’t so easily changeable. My advice? Find some way to try to remind yourself to take care of yourself. Maybe a tattoo that you can easily see, or a piece of motivational jewelry. A way that you say, “I’m cold, but I don’t deserve to be. I’m going to grab the blanket”. At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself. You talk about wanting to have a positive impact on kids, and that’s great. But you can’t do that if you aren’t taking care of yourself. It’s hard, but at least try, for your sake as much as the kids’

Stay strong, you are loved

[MentallyillGamer]

I will send positivity, light & healing wellness for you.

[nessdaniels]

hey there Lyss!
Dude i know how you feel. The best i can say is that whenever you make a mistake, learn to let go and just let God man. the more we dwell and think about it, the more it hurts us. You have control over your thoughts, sometimes we just have to make a habit of stopping the ones that bring us down. Yes, it is easier said than done, but the more we do it, the easier it becomes. Your strong friend, yes we make mistakes but don’t dwell on them. Guide your mind to see the beauty around you.
i know exactly how you feel friend. i’ve been there. but love yourself love. Do what’s best for you, even if it hurts. Gods gonna guide you through everything. don’t listen to those thoughts trying to tell remind you of your mistakes or bringing you down. Don’t let them have a say in your life. Surround yourself with positivity and inspiration. Growth is often a slow, sometimes painful process. But you’re growing. God’s there for you friend. Hes with you the entire, entire time. You are more than the voices in your head. You have a place here. You are wanted and you are needed.
You’re not alone, we’re here for you. We believe in you. We love you.
This song has helped me so much, to choose love, joy, and God. Even in the darkest of times. Because there is Light that has already drowned out the darkness and won the victory.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOEviTLJOqo
praying for you, you’re gonna do great things <3