I went to the club today. I was ready for my friend to take me home but my mom did. She just reinforced all the ideas I had once we were home. That I’m just inconveniencing everyone by asking for rides home. I really am a burden. All I wanted to do was be with my friends. I’m so fucking selfish. I knew it. I fucking hate myself. I just want it to be Tuesday already. I hate crying for no fucking reason. I hate myself for being so fucking selfish. But what she said that made me cry was that I smell and I’m not showering right and I tried to tell her about the anxiety but she invalidated that by saying “I did boot camp work outs. Everyone sweat but no one smelled. Stop making up excuses.”
My friend asked to smoke with me on Monday. I’ve never smoked before but I have gotten high before. I guess that’ll make me feel better. But my other friend, Johnny - best friend, is also coming on Monday so I have to give him a hug before I go smoke with my other friend. The structure of this schedule is weird because the other friend says the weed is different than in the edibles I just ate. So I just hope it doesn’t make me tired because I hate sleeping in class. My mom says I snore. I know already that I drool too. And I don’t want to be considered skipping class but I also don’t want people smelling the weed off of me. It’s conflicting. I just want to be happy.
This whole day is weird. I was working in 1st and 2nd period as usual. But my anxiety kept rising from having my headphones in at class and because for me it’s shark week. So I kept sweating.
In 3rd was normal but we had to go turn in our course papers for next year. In the band room, we had to do sight reading which was pretty stressful since I was doing good up until this point that I forgot time existed and was going slower or faster then losing my place. I hate myself for that. I kept sweating because I felt loud and annoying since everyone else seemed to just get it.
I had pizza for lunch. They ran out of everything else by the time I got up there. I couldn’t work in 5th period since my laptop died. In my last period there was a tornado drill. I went to smash club and they commented on how I was acting like an inkling main. It made me happy that I was doing good but my friend, Kaia, was getting beaten by his brother so he started to get depressed. I listened to him and tried talking him through it but I don’t really know him so I couldn’t do that much.
So a lot of sweating. I’m going to start taking showers in the morning (no matter what my mom says), taking deodorant to school, and going to the bathroom before lunch. Just because of my moms comments on my smell and Johnny’s worrying of me getting a UTI from holding in my pee every day because I’m dysphoric on the bathroom I use.