Progress? it felt good though

Those who have read my former threads know that I am fighting with some paranioa being pushed away or ignored by my friends. If you want to read more of the story before, please read my other posts.

Yesterday was a strange day. My closest friends I know through discord, and yesterday I was hanging out there, and I saw that some of my friends were online and also posting something in the different channels. So I posted just if someone had time to hang out in the voice chat, even DM two of them. There was no reaction what so ever.

I had that paranoia growing again, being ignored on purpose, and reached out for someone I knew from heartsupport and talked with her about the situation. She was extreamly supportive, and suggested to me that I should talk with my friends about that I was feeling ignored.

While we were chatting some of my friends entered the voice chat, and I a joined them. They welcomed me like everything was fine, so I decided not to confront them with my feelings and just enjoyed hanging out and seeing and hearing them.

The hours passed, some people joined and some people left, till there was a group with all grown ups who behaved like a bunch of 14 years old. One had an alexa device and they spend 2 hours sending out funny commands to that alexa and cracking up on it. I thought it was way too childish but I was afraid to leave and stuck with me being alone.

At a later point there was a chance that I could talk to the “leader” of the gang, the streamer who the whole community is about. She is aware of my first post here, and what problems I was struggling with.

I told her, that this community and the people are the closest I have at the moment, and that they are my family. She suggested that I should reach out for her when I was having trouble. I told her I don’t want to put too much preassure on her, and it helps me to hang out with them. And I don’t want her to change her because I was struggling. I also said that her that I was aware that she and the others might not feel as close to me as I do to them.

Sadly we got interrupted after someone entered the chat who is pretty dominant and I had no chance to continue that kind of talk with her.

I hardly do dm her, as I don’t want to put any kind of preassure on her. But it feels so damn good just being around her. She is pure positive energy.

Those couple of minutes with her “alone” made up for all the struggling before.

So it was a good evening, though… if they would have decided not to join the vc I would have fallen deep. And they didn’t enter because they responded to me, but because they wanted to hang out together.

It is a wierd feeling I don’t know how to handle it right now.

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It is okay you don’t know of how to handle it right now. It takes time. Be kind to yourself.