I don’t know how to start this. I don’t talk to anybody and I’m bad at this stuff so please bear with me as I’m just going to put it all out there. I’m a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and I have some mental issues as a result of how I use to live. I now own a business and am married and we just found out my wife is pregnant. Of course I’m excited and nervous but I never did truly get my emotions back from after being clean and sober for a few years now. I have drank a couple times since but without getting drunk. I know it’s something that needs to be completely cut out of my life especially now. But I feel no happiness or even contentment towards anything or anyone. It seems whenever something might actually start feeling good it all gets fucked up. It seems I have lost all ambition for anything. All I want to do is just leave and disappear. I would prefer to just die but I could never kill myself as my wife would never stop blaming herself and I can’t let my sister go through something like that again. Everything I do whether it’s driving or sitting on the couch or even just sleeping I imagine all the ways it could happen from that scenario and every thought about it brings me the most peace I’ve felt. I intentionally try to drive everyone away from myself hoping they will all leave. I can’t give my wife the life she deserves. I can’t even give my fucken dogs the life they deserve. I put all the blame for everything on myself. I’m just always so fucken tired and stressed. All I want to do is just stay home and actually get my house set up and organized as I have no home life. I just started the process to be getting out of my business as my wife wants to as well. I’ve tried talking to her about it but it’s like she doesn’t even want to hear my thoughts. She’s the first person I’ve ever tried to even talk to about things and so of course they always come out wrong then she gets mad and says she doesn’t want to hear it but then gets upset that I never talk to her. I feel like I can’t ever fucken win. I imagine all these different ways her life would be better with someone else and better that could do more for her.(and I know that means I need to do all that then to make it better or whatever that bullshit is) I’m always angry or bothered it seems like and I have all these different “universes” you could call them made up in my head that have no rules and I constantly live in them and just imagine all the ways I can just let loose but they all have the same thing in common and that’s her being safe and moving on while it’s played as some sort of reality show that I know nothing about. I don’t even know at this point what I’m even trying to fucken say but I just had to tell someone all this. I do get the urges to drink but none to do drugs. But in the “universes” they all involve me having to forcefully take drugs or some reason I would have to. I see and hear things but not as often as I use to. I have no desire to hangout or see anyone. I just want to disappear and fade away completely. I don’t even want anyone to ever remember me. I’m sorry if this makes no sense what so ever. I just need to know some reason or thoughts on why I’m like this
Welcome at Heartsupport, and thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this. It makes sense – no worries --, and you are in a safe place to share what’s on your heart, no matter what it looks like. There are times in life when we have bottled up so many things inside of our mind, of our heart, that we can start feeling the urge of letting it all out, one way or another. Putting how you feel and your thoughts into words is a powerful outlet. Well done for overcoming the fears that go along with displaying vulnerability. You just took a very brave and strong step today, and that alone deserves to be celebrated.
A first thing that comes to my mind while reading your post is to ask: have you ever received any support throughout your recovery? I hear that you’ve been trying to talk with your wife, but communication can become complicated because of the emotions involved and just the nature of your relationship. Have you ever got the opportunity (or considered the possibility) to talk to a professional counselor about all of this?
It sounds – and please let me know if I’m totally wrong – that you have been doing your best to survive and work so hard on finding a way out of your addictions, but also that you’ve been leading these battles mostly on your own. I can’t help resonating with this because I’ve personally spent most of my life hiding my inner struggles and trying to resolve them by myself. I thought at first that it was because I wanted to not bother others, to not put on their shoulders such heavy burdens. But with time I had to realize that it was mostly motivated by shame and guilt. I was ashamed of struggling, of never feeling good enough, of not being the person that my loved ones needed at the time. I didn’t want to fail them. So while my inner world was failing, I was constantly trying to keep up a brave face when I was with them.
You have expressed, through your words here, a lot of guilt and shame for not being the partner you think you should be. And these kind of thoughts, cycles in our mind, can be so very destructive. It puts us in dark spaces of our mind. And you, friend, absolutely don’t deserve to stay stuck in those spaces. You deserve to be seen, to be heard, to have your fears and hurt be validated and never dismissed. Your wife may not be this person – of course she is your partner in life, but most of the time the people we share our life with have their own boundaries, that a therapist or more neutral spaces like recovery groups wouldn’t have. Just like what you may experience right here in this community as well.
On a different note, you’ve also mentioned this:
It seems whenever something might actually start feeling good it all gets fucked up.
And honestly: this is such a valid fear, one that may actually be tied to the fact that you’ve been having a hard time feeling things. Numbness sometimes is the result of fears and anxiety. If you keep drinking – or sabotaging yourself --, then the day something bad actually happens in your life, then the fall would feel less intense. If you allow yourself to embrace joy, freedom, peace, you also face the reality that you do have something to lose. As long as you maintain behaviors that affect you negatively, you keep a sense of control, but you also prevent yourself to take the risk of embracing the good that life also has to offer to you, if that makes sense.
Recovery is made of these new layers to uncover, new fears or stressors that we didn’t envision at first, and it’s okay to walk through these. Trusting that life can be enjoyable again, and safe, is a slow process. If you’ve been used to live in pain, then it makes sense for your heart and mind to constantly look after ways to avoid (or prevent) it. Again, I would love to hear more of your story, and if throughout your recovery you’ve had the possibility to not only work on the behaviors (addictions – which was an ESSENTIAL and STRONG first step --, all my respect and support to you), but also on what was behind these behaviors. Once we are more in control of our addictions comes a time when we are somehow forced to face the pain that was silenced because of it. It’s a tough process, one that can be frightening and creates setbacks in our journey. But you have taken so many steps already, and given the fact that you are here today, being your vulnerable self and opening up about all of this, I truly believe in you and your ability to pursue in your healing. Right now, you may be at a crossroads, facing different needs, different stressors (a future baby for example), which could require to adjust your strategy, and renew your support system.
You are not broken. You are not weird. You are not messed up. You are trying to figure out your way in the midst of things that are objectively difficult. <3
I kept coming back to this and rereading this throughout the day and wasn’t sure how to respond or even if I should. The more I read it though it did help and so thank you for that. What you said about the boundaries with some people makes sense and I do notice the weight it adds to my wife when I talk about some of these things to her. I have pretty well been on my own with everything since high school I would say. I pushed everyone away then and burned a lot of bridges that shouldn’t have been burned when I left. Survival mode is pretty much all I ever remember when I look back. I will admit it is where I feel most comfortable at in all that chaos. I have attended some therapy through a court order and so I had bs my way through it. But no matter how many times I tried or whatever I tried I just couldn’t ever seem to die and I’ve always believed it was my inner self that kept me going and living. At the end of my drug run it started to become more spiritual than anything. I think I just needed something new to finally focus on and I did a lot of self/spiritual work and examination just pouring my whole self into it and through that I got myself soberish(I cut the drinking way down) and completely clean. But during all that I did come to terms and focus on why I did all that and what it caused. An maybe one of these times I may share my story with you haha. It would definitely be a good one to tell
Hello Friend, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for reaching out for support. That takes a lot of courage and I hope it helped you feel some type of relief doing it. I’m sorry you’re having problems with your mental health and that your wife doesn’t seem interested in supporting you. I went thru that type of thing when I was married and it made things worse for me. I want to encourage you to go back to therapy. I know you were court ordered to do it last time, but it doesn’t sound like it was something you wanted at that time. I’m wondering if now, since you’ve become aware that there is something going on and you have this need to figure it out that it would be a good time to try therapy again. Being honest and open with your therapist can really help and perhaps you can figure out what’s going on and get proper treatment. Please keep coming back and posting! ~Mystrose
and wasn’t sure how to respond or even if I should.
Always respond if and when you want. It’s completely fine. You take what you need from here.
What you said about the boundaries with some people makes sense and I do notice the weight it adds to my wife when I talk about some of these things to her.
That’s a big thing to realize, and I hope that it doesn’t translate in your mind as “I am a burden to her”, because that wouldn’t be true. We’re human beings, we have struggles, but our struggles don’t define us. Your wife loves you because you are you.
I have pretty well been on my own with everything since high school I would say. I pushed everyone away then and burned a lot of bridges that shouldn’t have been burned when I left. Survival mode is pretty much all I ever remember when I look back. I will admit it is where I feel most comfortable at in all that chaos.
Which makes completely sense. Trust isn’t easily acquired or given. If you’ve known adversity and have been hurt before, the world and other people can feel like potential threats. But in the long run, being on survival mode can become our fuel to live. I’ve personally been on this mode for such a long time, and your way to describe the familiarity of chaos resonate very deeply. There is this rational knowledge that it’s not healthy, but it feels familiar, comfortable, if not safe. What we don’t know, what is actually good and healthy, can weirdly feel more threatening, suspicious, uncomfortable. Thankfully though, this level of comfort/discomfort can be reversed, little by little. By learning to see your worth, by being patient with yourself, by being accountable but also giving yourself grace throughout your own journey. If you have never been shown or learned how to care for yourself, then it’s something that can take time to be a reality in your life. And you do have a tangible proof of this potential, because the person you are today isn’t the one you were years ago. You’ve already overcome strong obstacles. You’ve proven to yourself that there is a world possible where you wouldn’t be destroying yourself. <3
I have attended some therapy through a court order and so I had bs my way through it. But no matter how many times I tried or whatever I tried I just couldn’t ever seem to die and I’ve always believed it was my inner self that kept me going and living.
You’re definitely not here by mistake. You’ve pushed through. A part of you, even during times when everything was dark, has been constantly craving for LIFE, and that is a wonderful strength that you have.
As for your experience with therapy, I hear that it wasn’t a result of your decision at the time, which can rob this feeling of owning your own healing, and make it counterproductive. How was it for you? If you are willing to share of course.
But during all that I did come to terms and focus on why I did all that and what it caused. An maybe one of these times I may share my story with you haha. It would definitely be a good one to tell
These have been huge steps in your life for you. I truly commend you for that. It brings inspiration. <3
Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport, its nice to meet you, Thank you for deciding to open up here and sharing your thoughts, its not an easy thing to do and we all know that because we have all done it. Firstly congratulations on being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, that is a feat in itself, I cannot imagine how hard that was and now with a business and a wife with a baby on the way is something I bet you never expected? Im sure you are nervous, I think its perfectly normal to be nervous when a first baby is on the way even without a past of addiction and a business to consider. I do think you are right when you say about cutting your one or two drinks out completely, I agree it would be for the best. Listening to the way you feel about your feelings, thoughts and how you feel about yourself reminds me a lot of how I used to feel and it eats away at you until eventually you end up alone with no one because you dont feel worthy of anyone but if you belive nothing else I say, I promise you, you are worthy of others especially your wife who loves you and that beautiful baby that is going to come into the world looking for its dad, you are worthy of friends and family and you are worthy of love and respect and I know that because this person who belived she wasnt worthy knows now that she is and it took people telling me, showing me and seeing others that believed they were not worth anything and knowing they were that made me realise it. So please if you have the ability to get some help, some proper therapy that isnt forced on you, please get some and find that love for yourself so that you can show your baby how to love itsself too. Thank you so much for writing, you are a wonderful person. Much Love Lisa. x
Welcome to Heart Support. First I want to say thank you for trusting us with what you are feeling and going through. I hope that you find this a safe place to share what is happening. Recovery is such a huge thing and to be in recovery for both alcohol and drugs is a big deal. And to have recovered your life to where you are married, and own a business - wow. That is a lot happening.
I know you said that you went through some court ordered counseling but have you ever tried counseling or a peer support group like AA or NA? There can be support there since you have talked about wanting to drink. Having others who have had similar experience to talk with may help. There are in person and online meetings. It’s only a thought.
It sounds as though you are trying very hard to push through all of this to keep things going each day. And that can take a toll if you are just waiting for it to fall apart or are afraid to enjoy the good in your life. Please know that you are not broken or a mess, you are hurting and you are struggling to do it all right. You are worth being loved, you matter and you are worth caring for. Your presence in this world does make a difference.
I’m glad to hear that despite relapsing, you have the control to not allow yourself to become intoxicated when you do drink. That’s a very positive step! They say relapse is a part of recovery, so don’t let it discourage you. Just keep building from it, you’re doing great. You may have these past experiences being a form of trauma, and in the past both alcohol and drugs may have helped numb that for you. Have you ever came out to anyone about those experiences and talked to them about it? Men’s mental health is just as important as women’s, and it’s often overlooked and neglected since men are expected to be the ones in the past to “do it all”. I would be honest with your wife and family with everything that’s plaguing on your mind. Honesty is the best policy, and it’s not a burden to tell people when things aren’t the way they should be. I see that your wife tends to be avoidant to your hurting, maybe counseling would work for you? And possibly even relationship counseling?
I’m glad to hear that you’re trying to set up a way that you can organize your home life. Would possibly temporarily closing your business for a well-needed hiatus help for you? I’m glad to hear you coming to us for support. It takes great courage and strength for you to come here, and you can keep coming here to let off steam. It’s a great coping mechanism. You can even use this space as a journal if you need be.
I hope we can be of help. If you’d like, I have references on conflict resolution, and even coping mechanisms and making a mental health journal if you’d like! Let us know how we can help, and take care hun.