Questions i do not know how to answer and small thoughts

I suppose the cliche for depression is that it “comes in waves”. I never believed that if I’m being fully honest. For me, depression always came close to a circle. That sounds quite funny doesn’t it? Out of all things, I’ve brought comparison to a 2D shape. Depression is just so infinite. I feel as if I am gradually getting better, but really, its just a form of self torment and manipulation that makes me feel that way.

I am but the same when I was 14.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want to write here. I wish I could say something elaborate, or maybe write my heart out but my mind really goes blank. Its 3:40 AM right now.

My entire life has been revolved around school. However, when school became too much to handle, I sought out love. But love simply made it worse. Month after month, I’d wake up to simply stare at the blocked image on my screen.

“Your friend request didn’t go through. Try again?”
Each time just felt like a haze. But I expected it didn’t I? When he’d stop calling me our silly nickname we had for each other, when he stopped asking to hang out, or do things with me. When he stopped asking how my day was or perhaps how well I ate. But I guess it was all our arguments too. How I couldn’t make enough time for him, or perhaps it was cause I didn’t have time to call. But I tried. I swear, I really did. I argued with my mom so I could spend time with him, and I’d make sacrifices. However it didn’t even matter the person, the ending was simply the same.

How can I become capable of loving someone else, when I don’t even know what true self-love means to me?

I hate who I have become. Am I perhaps the only one who does not remember anything earlier then grade 8? It’s like these years all passed in a daze. When I shut my eyes, and everything goes dark, I still can’t remember anything.

It is so dark when I shut my eyes. Did I mention I’m afraid of the dark? It feels like I’m in my mothers stomach again.

Seasonal depression. That’s what my friends call it.
“Are you alright?” “Whats wrong?” “You know I’m here for you right?” “I love you”

Does being there for me simply mean that you’ll just tell me that I’m young and have a long and plentiful life ahead of me? And how you love me? Do they even know what love means? Is that just the automated response for when someone voices their struggles? I know that its hard for someone to come up with a response other then that or a solution on how to overcome depression but I don’t know.

Will I feel this way forever? Is this what my fate has been since birth?


Therapy

  • a concept in which is foreign within Asian households
  • a liability and a weakness
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I had depression before. I have been burned out with school, too. I have never been interested in a romantic relationship however, so I cannot really help with that issue. It makes me sad that someone as young as you can not remember your earlier childhood. I think I am probably younger than you, and I can remember everything about my life from age 4 until now and some things from earlier, but I know you are not the only one who cannot remember your earlier childhood because I have met many secondary schoolers/high schoolers who cannot remember primary school/elementary school. It is unfortunate that you cannot tell if the people in your life truly love you. I know what it’s like to not know if someone truly loves you, I have had relationships in my life where I felt like that too. Also, if you cannot get therapy, maybe you should talk to like a school counselor or something. I hope I was helpful. (But I probably wasn’t) :yellow_heart:

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