Hello again.
Now that I’m relaxing again after what felt like forever, I’m starting to have thoughts again. Just simple things, nothing too serious at the moment.
It’s starting to become a habit of mine. Whenever I’m not actively doing something, I’m just… there physically, but not mentally. Like a philosopher pondering their next big theory. My brain just goes offline, and reflecting all my life choices so far. Realising just how… unhinged I can be when given the opportunity.
Either I start randomly quoting whatever comes to mind (shows, videos, memes, voicing my thoughts, etc), make noises to stimulate my vocals chords and avoid the silence, or I get what I like to call, ‘zoomies’ (like when your cat has the zoomies, but with a human teenager instead), or all the above. I just feel so… not human. I can’t really explain it or pin it down. In one moment, I’m just a silly goober being all silly, then the next I’m having an existential crisis. My mom tends to describe these moments as ‘acting like a caged lion’, which is fair to say from an outside perspective.
Don’t get these moments confused with body dysphoria or anything. Although, it does uncomfortably parallel how it feels sometimes. Like my soul and conscience is some unknown entity, trapped in a human vessel with no means to escape, stuck in a confusing society on a spinning blue rock in space. It feels… odd at times.
I may just be a teenager on the internet, but I feel way older than my actual age. And the online space can only do so much to ease this existential pain.
Weirdly enough, I always find myself drawn to the fantasy or horror side of the internet. Just anything that could lighten up this dull existence. Something about the idea or concept of a new world or alternative reality, is always so intriguing, I can’t help but fixate on it. Horror especially is always the one to trigger these kinds of moments, where my body doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to. Oh to be an eldritch nightmare wondering the woods, and traumatizing anyone who sees me at night. Quite the dream if you ask me.
That’s kind of it at the moment. Just dropping some facts if you were to ever meet me on any other platform. I may be a shy as hell introvert in real life, but you have no idea how chaotic I can be when I’m comfortable in your presence.
Goodbye for now.