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Rambling/Venting

I’m not sure why I’m posting this tbh. This may just be me venting in a place where I can feel safe venting. I’ve tried to write this for days now and I always end up deleting it so I’m sorry if I just start rambling.

This week has been really tough on me. It’s been one of those weeks where all of my past traumas and past feelings have came back and not left me alone all week. Once I start thinking of one thing, it’s like a domino effect and everything comes back and haunts me for days on end. It has made me lose sleep, I fall back into the negative mindset that nothing I do is good enough, it makes me wonder if relapsing is an option to negate the feelings, it makes me feel small and that no one cares, I’m all alone, etc.

I’ve gone back to sitting outside by myself and drink, just to be alone and try and not think about the feelings but that obviously doesn’t help. I have a really hard time reaching out to people and talking when I feel this way as well. I have dealt with/seen too much and I just don’t like bothering people with days/weeks like this. Mostly because I wouldn’t even know where to start talking. Why do I still feel this way? Why does this still haunt me?

I know I should be better than this and maybe that’s what frustrates me the most. I’m a stronger person for living through everything, so why does thinking about some of it make me want to cry and do nothing? And why can’t I figure a way out of this mental state? It’s exhausting.

Anyway, I feel like I’m just rambling and venting at nothing now. Sorry about that haha.
Thanks for letting me get it out.

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We are all here for you. Even in our darkest days, we have to hold on. To look for the light.

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First I want to make sure that you’re safe right now. That you aren’t in any danger of harming yourself because you matter so incredibly and right now things are heavy.
Second I want to ask that knowing you “should be better” is actually a standard you’ve set for yourself or a realistic goal and expectation? When we think of progress we think of a linear line that is slowly grading upwards.

This seems to be the ultimate view of how we see progress. We convince ourselves that “even if it’s slow going as long as we keep on climbing and don’t go backwards”. Progress may also look like (I tried to be clever and put some dashes in as a graph to show, but it keeps messing up the format lmao)

Yes it’s important to keep trying, but it’s also important to remind ourselves that we are humans and our bodies when pushed will at some point hit a wall. Pushing ourselves isn’t just physical it is a mental and emotional experience when dealing with trauma and with trying to stave off past habits and thoughts.

You don’t have to even go into details or try to figure out where to start, but sometimes reaching out is a huge step in avoiding going down the self doubt path. Having someone or even a few people there to check in on you so you’re not alone with your thoughts. It gets dark easily, but darkness does not exist where there is light. Perhaps it leaves a shadow, but as that great song I used to love said “the shadows prove the sunshine”.

I don’t want to lecture you on how drinking can affect our minds. I think you may already be aware of that, but I will ask that you be safe and at least let someone know when you’re drinking just in case they need to check in on you.

Do you go to therapy or anything? Not because you HAVE to, but even sometimes just being able to talk for two or three sessions lifts a burden sometimes.

You are greatly noticed and appreciated in this community. Thank you for being here. Sincerely mean that

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Yes I’m fine and I’m not in any danger. I apologize if I made it seem so. It’s just been a rough week and I needed to vent.

I do set pretty high expectations of myself. I feel like I should be able to cope better than I am but I’m simply not. I think that’s the frustrating thing.

As far as therapy goes, I have looked into it recently, and it’s simply a matter of finding one that I like at this point. I am going soon because as you said, sometimes being able to just talk for a few sessions is a relief.

I appreciate your comment, :slight_smile:

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Hello SinningSaint77

I may not be in the best state to respond but you tried to help me while struggling so much so its only fair i do the same. Yes you are a strong person. Its good that you see it. Crying is not a sign of weekness. It never was. So dont be afraid to cry. Bad experiences make us stronger. Thats true. But it comes with a price. Imagine it like building muscle. You first damage is and then rebuild it but when you damage it too much it can cause pain for days or in worse cases long lasting damage. It is said that mental wounds heal much slower then physical ones. Some might never heal completely. Telling yourself that you should be better or that you should be over it by now is simply false and gets you nowhere closer to healing. In fact the frustration can cause even more damage.

You are not in control of your feelings. You can only work with them. You dont choose to feel a certain way you simply do. The important things is how you handle the feelings. Trying to stomp them down and telling yourself that you are not suppose to feel this will only make those feelings appear later and possibly stronger. Have you tried talking about what you have been through and what you feel in therapy? I think it could really help you. I know you dont wanna face those feelings (I dont wanna face mine either) but I think it might be the right way to go.

Sitting alone can be therapeutic. Sitting alone and drinking… not so much. Alcohol is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Its part of the reason i dont drink. Have you tried any alternatives to the drinking part. Maybe sitting alone reading a book, taking photos, taking a short walk or just being present in the moment. I know what you are going through is hard. It really is and I am so sorry you are going through it. I hope this reply helped you at least a little. Take care sinningsaint.

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