I’m not sure why I’m posting this tbh. This may just be me venting in a place where I can feel safe venting. I’ve tried to write this for days now and I always end up deleting it so I’m sorry if I just start rambling.
This week has been really tough on me. It’s been one of those weeks where all of my past traumas and past feelings have came back and not left me alone all week. Once I start thinking of one thing, it’s like a domino effect and everything comes back and haunts me for days on end. It has made me lose sleep, I fall back into the negative mindset that nothing I do is good enough, it makes me wonder if relapsing is an option to negate the feelings, it makes me feel small and that no one cares, I’m all alone, etc.
I’ve gone back to sitting outside by myself and drink, just to be alone and try and not think about the feelings but that obviously doesn’t help. I have a really hard time reaching out to people and talking when I feel this way as well. I have dealt with/seen too much and I just don’t like bothering people with days/weeks like this. Mostly because I wouldn’t even know where to start talking. Why do I still feel this way? Why does this still haunt me?
I know I should be better than this and maybe that’s what frustrates me the most. I’m a stronger person for living through everything, so why does thinking about some of it make me want to cry and do nothing? And why can’t I figure a way out of this mental state? It’s exhausting.
Anyway, I feel like I’m just rambling and venting at nothing now. Sorry about that haha.
Thanks for letting me get it out.