Reaching out to my fellow self injurers…
Do any of you find yourself triggered by pleasant memories? … For example… I just heard a song I used to love when I was 21. And although I’m older now. The song still brings me back to a place I wish I could be again. Back to a time when I still had hope for myself and love for my present life.
Dealing with my reality and loss, makes me crave comfort.
Anyway, I don’t want to ramble. Just seeing if any of you can relate.
-Eyeless
Hey @EyelessDoll
thank you for sharing this. I too used to self harm, thankfully I can say that I am clean of it now. I think you pinpointed and put into words a feeling I have never been able to before now. It happens to me with music and with movies and all sorts of things that bring back memories from when I didn’t struggling with mental health and self harm… It’s hard for me to listen to/watch those things, even now when I am on an upward climb. It makes so much sense to me when you say you crave comfort. I think that is a fairly common feeling. I think the world as a whole is particularly lonely and no one person really knows how to fix that. But I can say that reaching out to friends and to family and to us, here at HeartSupport, is such a good way to get that comfort that you crave. Honestly, sometimes it is as simple as asking someone for a hug. I know the journey is hard, and I know it seems like this never ending labyrinth of suffering, but it’s not. There is always a new tomorrow with new opportunities and new things to delight in. Hope in tomorrow, what you’re feeling right now will not last forever.
I hope this was helpful and you’re able to find a little comfort in my words. Hold fast.
Hannah Presley
P.S. here is a virtual hug. (>">)
@Hannah_Presley
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. It really helps to talk about these things with someone who can relate. I’ve struggled with self injury for many years now. But dealing with pleasant triggers can be more difficult than dealing with negative triggers. Pleasant memories are comforting, yet they make me feel so nostalgic and sad. It’s a tough cocktail of emotions.
I truly appreciate your kind words, and the reminder that things get better! Thanks for the dose of bravery.
{(Virtual hug)}
Interestingly enough I have the opposite effect now that I am better. Songs for me is the biggest. Or topics of conversations. The biggest ones is songs that I used to listen to when I was cutting. I hear that and then all of a sudden I’m 13 again. Crying, screaming the lyrics with blood dripping out of my arm. It’s so surreal to be able to tap into those memories as I’m 25 now and it’s strange to have that almost disassociating feel about yourself.
It’s really an important topic and there’s a lot of interesting insights in the replies here.
I can’t relate with self-harm directly but somehow with depressing and/or suicidal thoughts that leads me in a pretty dark-numb-alarmed state of mind. Especially when it’s about songs. Some of them bring such powerful feelings as it’s directly associated with a particular moment of my life, whether it’s positive or negative. Most of the time it’s even a mix of them.
It can be very tempting to let yourself drown in those feelings. It’s like you’re back to the good old days, or in the exact same situation just like @Enkou666 described. But it’s also unhealthy if it prevents you to take care of you. At least you can easily identify the songs or things that may be triggering to you. Sometimes it’s also a combination of elements, not only the song in itself (for example: would you feel the same if you listen to it during the day or during the night? At home or outside?).
Nostalgia can be a powerful feeling to help you to keep going on, as long as it doesn’t prevent you to see all the progress you’ve made - even if sometimes you may not feel like this.
Thank you for sharing. Take care.
@Enkou666
I can definitely relate to those negative associations as well. And those negative triggers present less of a challenge for me… I mean they still suck, but it’s easier for me to conquer because I associate it with a place I never want to be again. But with positive memories, the trigger comes from a different place. It’s weird.
Thank you for you input and support
Eyeless
@Micro
Hello friend,
And thank you for your response. Nostalgia is definitely a powerful feeling for me. And although certain songs and memories may bring up positive feelings, for some reason it’s sooo difficult to control those feelings. Sometimes i feel like I’m going to implode from the longing.
Although I’m content with my life now,
.of course I still want to “go back” to easier times. Life just feels like a greater struggle now-a-days.
Eyeless
Often times for me, the most pleasant or happy things will make me the most incredibly horribly sad. All I can think about is those things ending, or being taken away, or when I see loved ones being happy or enjoying something I can only think about losing them, almost like I’m grieving in advance(for me this trigger is the hardest) instead of enjoying the moments for what they are. I understand the feeling very well.
@idkanymore
You definitely nailed it when you say that the most happy things make you incredibly sad. That’s exactly how I feel…And it’s such a nuisance not being able to just enjoy the memories and enjoy the present.
Thanks for your input, and I’m sorry to hear you struggle with this too. Let me know if you ever find any helpful tools!
Sending well wishes
-Eyeless
I have been listening to a song from when I was a teen over and over again for about a week now. I am sure Spotify’s going to claim it "your most listened to song of 2020 and their end of year recap and we are only18 days into the new year. LOL
I’ve really been struggling myself. Husband angry all the time, kids not pulling their weight, everyone at work is miserable and it’s gotten me “in a mood” I almost can’t pull myself out of. This song has been my refuge and happy place where I can escape to my past happy memories and wish I could return to
Listening to this song has really made me want to go back to that time where it was so much “easier” for me. Where I could stay up all night playing on the Nintendo until I fell asleep mid level on the couch, could power nap for a few hours, eat Lucky Charms for breakfast and return to that level to beat it.
The best thing about music, if the song makes us angry, sad etc… we just can change it to another one that puts us in a better place. 
Wishing you a good day today.
@AphenaProxipess
Haha you’re absolutely right about just changing songs. If only my brain had an off switch too.
Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling lately with home life and work… adulting can be so draining. But im sure you’re strong enough to make it through! Reminiscing can be such a weird feeling…comforting yet alarming. (Nintendo rocks by the way) lol
Hoping things improve for you soon! Sending well wishes
-Eyeless
I definitely can relate, I try to hold onto the good and pleasant memories, experiences and thoughts! It definitely helps me to keep going. I haven’t self harmed in years. There will be bad days, I’m not going to lie but I try to cherish and acknowledge the good days so that the bad days don’t seem so bad or that I just know that better days are coming. Sorry if this is all over the place. I hope all is well!
@Kate6
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I’m glad to hear that pleasant memories keep you going! Sometimes the pleasant memories make me happy… But my personal problem is that pleasant memories make me extremely sad at times. As if the longing is too much to contain. And it’s not as if I want to go back in time… But I just want to go back for like an hour or two lol sigh emotions are tough.
Anyway, I’m really glad to hear you have been injury free for years now 
it’s always inspiring to hear others open up.
The longest I’ve had without SI was just over 2 years. At the moment, I’ve had a few months without relapse.
Best of luck to you friend
-Eyeless
Thanks for the kind words EyelessDoll. This will pass, just takes time. Adulting, fun times!