Reaching out/validation is never enough

[Yossarian]

Hi. I just joined this site tonight (I’m another person who found out about it through Kitboga-- there seems to be a fair amount of us from what I’ve seen.)

I’ve had so much treatment for mental health and I really feel like I’ve made progress, at least at times. But at the same time it feels like I never know how to reach out for emotional support in a healthy way. I can post on forums like this and some other places, but when people respond to me, it seems like it’s never enough. Not only is it not the same as getting support from real-life friends, but I will also just continue to doubt my own worth no matter what validation others may give to me.

It sort of feels like there’s something fundamentally missing within me. I’m not able to feel like I matter. I currently have few close relationships with people I know outside of the internet. Some of my family has rejected me, but I still talk to my mother and sister (mostly through text messages due to distance and the difficult logistics of visiting them.) My best friend that I have known for over 15 years lives a state away from me, and other friends I have had do not seem to want to do the work to keep up the relationships. It’s always me reaching out and waiting for ages for a response that may or may not come. And I can be painfully shy. Some who are acquainted with me believe that I just do fine without others in my life, and while I do need a fair amount of alone time, I really need more connection.

I played rugby in my undergraduate years of college and developed some close friendships through that that I wish would be stronger now. It could be my fault that they’re not. I used to feel the need to get reassurance and attention from some of those friends to the extent that my brain would seemingly manufacture suicidal crises so I could seek help and guidance from friends and even going to the hospital. I understand now how overwhelming my behavior could’ve been, and how it may have alienated some people.

Still, I miss the feeling of being cared about like that. Sometimes I feel tempted to devise a fake suicide attempt that I know wouldn’t actually work just because I want so badly to be taken care of and even “rescued” in a way, though I don’t currently seem to have anything I need rescuing from. (And yes, I do understand how manipulative that is. It makes me feel guilty that I have these thoughts.)

I’ve been through some difficult things in the past, and life seems to be objectively better for me. I’ve overcome homelessness on two occasions (with a fair amount of help from others, so I perhaps discount the role I played in surviving) and have fought through some serious mental health issues, among other things. I was told that I could never handle actually going to college and here I am about to finish my master’s degree (if I can motivate myself to finish my last few projects.) But I still feel like I need help. I crave the feeling of needing someone, if that makes sense.
I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. But I always want more.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed.

[Luciddogma]

I think I understand. I feel so worthless and without a sense of self, without an ability to pull myself together that I’m always looking for someone else to save me or rescue me from my own life. I daydream a lot, and I’ve come to realize that the central theme of the stories I always invented was of someone like me finding themselves through close connection with someone they love and care about, who feels the de way about them. It’s sad, and I know my situation isn’t yours, but I hope I understand in a roundabout way what you’re feeling. If only it were so easy to feel alright all on your own, you know? I always feel like I’m needing to lean on someone else to feel alright, and I wonder if you feel the same way? Maybe I’m just speaking out of my ass, but I felt compelled to answer for some reason.

[Wings]

So, you feel something missing from within. I take it that it’s the same as feeling an emptiness within. You have done some desperate things, seeking reassurance that others care for you. You are lonely.

You have worked very hard to understand yourself, and deal with the emotional difficulties that you’re having. You have been successful in gaining insight about yourself.

You have successfully worked through a lot of problems in your life, and have challenged other people’s perception of you, and have proven them wrong.

Clearly, nothing about you is missing! It can be extremely hard to feel validated by the words of someone who doesn’t know you well, especially if you are living with the assumption that something within is missing, and this person attempting to validate you isn’t aware of this deficit.You need to abandon the mistaken belief that something within is missing. This posting, demonstrates the practice of introspection, with the courage to be honest with yourself regarding your emotional issues. This proves to me that rather than having something missing, you are a person of substance and value.

It often works out to give that which you are seeking to receive. In this case, it would involve reaching out to others, and helping them to feel cared for. Often, and outward focus leads to a sense of inner fulfillment. At the same time, it’s necessary to care for yourself as you would care for others.

The most rewarding relationships, romantic or otherwise, exist between people who are okay with being alone. That’s because they can appreciate each other, and are together because they want to be, rather than clinging to each other because they desperately crave being with someone.
Be a good friend to yourself, and enjoy your own company. Doing so will make you much better at caring for others. This makes it possible for others to see your value, and care for you as well.

Perhaps you are more connected and you realize. Maybe it’s a case of needing to be more aware of the connections you have. Also, this forum offers the opportunity for heart to heart connection, with no negative strings attached.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you’re doing.

[Yossarian]

Thank you. I do feel understood in what you said. I definitely agree that I feel like I need someone to lean on to feel all right. It feels like I need someone to tell me things, and that sort of spreads to different aspects of my life… like I’m so scared to do things wrong that I really struggle with self-starting because I just want someone to tell me what to do, if that makes any sense. I’m just looking to be directed and guided but also to be told that I’m doing okay and that I’m worthy. But when there’s nobody to do that for me, I feel so lost.

[Yossarian]

Thanks. This is helpful. I have been told that my constant seeking of outside reassurance feeds into negative cycles, but no one ever really gave me much advice for how to stop it outside of the fact that I have to find the reassurance within. I like the idea of helping others feel cared for, although sometimes the people I want to bring about this feeling in are somewhat closed off and won’t let me reach out to them in those ways. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places, but a lot of my earlier relationships have been fairly one-sided, where no matter how much I tried to offer, they would only let me take and not let me in as much as I let them in. Which maybe sounds at odds with my analysis of my current relationships as being supported solely by me. Or maybe not.

[Wings]

Feeling the need for other people’s approval/reassurance is very common. From childhood, we are conditioned to believe such approval is essential. It’s not entirely wrong. You need approval from those in authority, employers, creditors, and if you’re part of a team effort, fellow members. Life is generally better if those around you approve of you, but it isn’t better if getting it means suppressing your own sense of self, integrity and happiness.

How to stop the cycle? Self-assurance is easier to embrace by among other things, looking at past successes, taking inventory of your talents, defining your values, realizing that you are the stuff good friends are made of, and your ability to help others to feel okay. I’m sure there are more ways as well.

There’s a thing called “locus of control.” It can be internal or external. An internal locus means that how others feel about you is less important than how you feel about yourself. An external locus means your feeling of self-worth is dependent on how others feel about you.

Whether a person compliments or criticizes you, it’s important to consider how qualified that individual is to evaluate you. Introspection is a good thing, as is self-honesty, so well intended criticism from others might deserve a bit of thought, but more often than not, the judgments of others are based on too little information, hence, there’s no need to immediately accept their assessment, if at all.

Other people’s feelings and opinions are often subjective and/or fickle. Therefore, depending on reassurance from them, can keep you on an emotional roller coaster.

Take some time to really think about what you know to be true about you. That’s a good starting point.