Really lost in life

[jordanrobertmower]

Hey guys,

Where to start…I’m at a point in my life where I’m really lost about what I should do. I’m 28 years old living in Brazil with my Brazilian wife and 1 year old daughter (soon to be 2 in July). I have a Bipolar Type 2 diagnosis and I am really struggling with it. It doesn’t take much for my mood to change. Today for example I felt extreme happiness, extreme anger, and extreme sadness, and extremely impulsive thoughts all within a few hours of each other. That’s not normal.

During the duration of our marriage, we lived in the States until about October 2020. I was jumping from job to job with no direction in life, dealing with a ton of shit between my wife and my parents. Due to financial struggles and the need to separate from my family, we moved to Brazil in hope that our relationship and financial situation would improve. Financially, we are doing better here. However, putting physical distance with my family made me realize something: it’s not my parents that caused our relationship to be bad. They played a part for sure but I just simply don’t do well with my wife. I’m not happy in my marriage. We are two different people. We have had intense fights to the point where sometimes my own little girl is scared of me. We have no intimacy anymore. We don’t communicate. We joke around as friends still and have good laughs, particularly with our daughter but anything having to do with us as a couple is just dead. We fight intensely, I have super crazy defensiveness due to being sexually abused at the age of 14. During our fights, my wife makes fun of me for this experience. This marriage has sucked the life out of me and I’m tired. But heres the problem: I have a decent job now in Brazil but no work visa (doing stuff under the table) and I really don’t want to leave my daughter. Remember that this is an international marriage so somebody has to give up their comfort in their own country. Also if divorce happens, someone has to stay in the foreign country or leave their kids to go to their own home country.

Ultimately, I want my daughter to see me in my best mental state so that she is not traumatized but I’m afraid that this won’t be much because my bipolarity is out of control and I just need some validation: Am I a piece of shit father if I decide to go back to the States so I don’t have to live in an unhappy, toxic marriage and so I can get the help I need to fight my mental illness? If I left to comeback for the States, I have every intention on sending money for child support because I care about my daughter’s needs and her future being funded. But it would deeply crush me to know that I would miss out on the vast majority of her childhood. But I really don’t know if I can live my life with someone I just don’t want to e married with anymore, just to be near my daughter. What would you guys do if you were me? Let me know. Just need a little direction because I’m feeling super lost and confused about what to do.

Thank you for reading and God bless you all.

[Wings]

It’s fairly predictable that the initial passion and infatuation of a new relationship fades over time. Then it’s not unusual for couples to begin drifting apart. That’s also when they begin to see each other’s flaws, as they take on greater significance. If your wife laughed about your bad sexual experience, that’s a pretty big flaw to overcome.

Sometimes a relationship can successfully transition from romance to something more like friendly roommates. I’ve seen that happen a lot. If that can happen, maybe the two of you can peacefully coexist and raise your daughter together.

However, if you can’t get the mental illness treatment that you need in Brazil, being present with your daughter may actually do more harm than good. Can you legally remain in Brazil with or without a work permit? Can you get mental health services in Brazil? If you can’t maintain mental stability, being with your daughter is far worse than staying away.

Another question is, will your wife do a decent job of raising her without you? It would be good if you could visit your daughter frequently, but only if you’re able to manage your moods.

Considering the fact that covid is still an issue, it might be best to hang tight until traveling becomes less difficult.

I hope your situation improves.

[jordanrobertmower]

Thank you for your response friend.

So just to clarify, when my wife sometimes makes fun of my jokes it’s more of an humiliating manner instead of a joking manner. Like instead of laughing she would legit say you shouldn’t have done that. You were so stupid. Because it happened with the same sex, she sometimes asks me if I’m gay and when I tell her I’m not, she is persistent that I am. Bothers the hell out of me. I feel so disrespected and violated in these cases and honestly, not attracted to her anymore because the biggest reason I fell in love with my wife was because I felt safe to talk with her about these things. Now I don’t. Now I feel that I can’t even release my emotional baggage in my own home. This is the biggest reason why I’m not in love with her anymore. But if divorce is necessary, I do think it’s possible to be on good terms and friendly with each other for the sake of our daughter.

I think the ideal situation is me staying here and helping to raise my daughter. My wife is trying to look for psychiatrists that speak English here. If not, she said she will come to translate. The most important thing for me is to get my bipolarity under control so I can simply function as a human being. If we decide on divorce, she will let me have supervised visits with my daughter, as much as I want/can, as long as I pay child support of course. That way, I can have only positive experiences with my daughter.

So the reason why the residency situation concerns me is that the easiest way to get residency is by marriage. But if we are having these problems, I don’t think my wife would be willing to go through this process with someone she isn’t with. That means I’ll have to find another way to live here. But here’s another problem: I’m still learning the language. I rely on my wife a lot because I only know a little Portuguese but I’m trying to learn. Just takes a lot of time and practice.

I can get mental health services here but again, the vast majority of mental health professionals here speak Portuguese.

So I have no doubt that my wife is such a good mother to our daughter. I agree that frequent visits would be great but it can get expensive since it is on the other side of the equator. Not to mention the difficulty of asking all that time off of work. This is why international divorce is a fucking mess (excuse my language). Divorce is already bad but when it involves a couple from different countries, it is even worse and more complicated.

Trying to hang tight in the meantime due to how hard travel is with COVID. Using a tourist visa right now which is good for 6 months and I’m on month 5 so I need to decide now how I will legally stay here. Might try and get a student visa and continue working under the table for work. But it’s not permanent. Only temporary.

Based on these answers to your questions, let me know what you think. Again, thank you so much for reading and have a blessed day!

[Wings]

Sounds like your priority might be how to stay there legally. I think it’s possible to get dual citizenship. I’m glad you have a way, hopefully to obtain the medication that you need. Am I wrong in thinking that you guys might peacefully coexist, if you give each other a decent amount of space? Can the marriage allow you to stay there legally? If so, can you stay married and live apart? Is there a reason to rush the divorce? If you get a student visa, what kind of degree program would you enter?

If you remain married but separated, maybe both of you will find someone else, and things can work out that way.

In the meanwhile, think about what words you can use with her, that won’t elicit conflict. Things may be falling apart between you, but still, thoughtfully chosen responses can make a huge difference in how you get along. One thing that really messes up a relationship, is repeating patterns of conflict, having the same argument over and over and saying the same things over and over. It can be remarkably transformative in relationship to listen closely to what the partner is saying, and responding in a way that shows your listening, and you care. Sometimes, asking questions that draw out feelings can be a great help.

I was with a bipolar alcoholic and drug addict for 18 years. There were many hard times. I dreaded coming home from work, because I didn’t know what state she would be in. I was far from perfect myself, sometimes drinking too much, and so depressed that I couldn’t face much of anything. However, as bad as things were, I’d find ways that would help us rediscover each other, so for at least a little while, life was okay.

Things did work out for me, after the divorce. Although I swore to myself I would never have another relationship, I ended up meeting my wife, and we’ve been together for 27 years. My ex-wife found someone who liked getting drunk with her, and they’ve been together for quite a while too.

There are a lot of twists and turns to life, so be open to opportunities.

Your wife may not recognize it, but her behavior is a response to past pain. Now, you are experiencing the consequences of both her pain and yours. On top of that, you are dealing with untreated bipolar disorder. It’s gotta be really rough! That you are surviving is heroic! Now I’m going to suggest that you become even more heroic, by keeping an open and forgiving heart. There is a place within you that holds unconditional love toward both your wife and your daughter.

The things she says are really hurtful, but I suspect she’s just passing on her own deeply suppressed pain. Perhaps keeping that in mind will help you remain calm and compassionate. I’m pretty sure that by doing that, your bipolar symptoms will be reduced. I’m not talking about acting calm, but actually being calm.

Try looking past her verbal attacks, and consider what she may be feeling and dealing with.

I’ll say it again, hang in there!