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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
Really, my so called friend raped my girlfriend at the time and left her for dead, while I was in jail. That grudge is never going to end! It can’t it won’t!
Knowing that such an evil and unjustifiable event occurred while you were unable to be there is so painful and enraging. Not only is he a terrible rapist, but he betrayed your trust and went behind your back to do such a egregious thing trying to hide it from you. It is the lowest and most dehumanizing thing that a person could possibly do.
I want you to know that I’m not writing to you right now to tell you to not be angry. Reading your story, I’m angry on your behalf, her behalf, and just angry to think that someone with such ill intentions exists. I wish I could go back in time and keep such atrocities from not happening and give you complete peace with the snap of my fingers. The reality is that things happen that will hurt us and leave us feeling utterly betrayed.
For me, the biggest betrayal and grudge I’ve ever experience was a dysfunctional relationship I was in over 2 years ago. Thinking of things that he did that were so wrong, remembering how much he hurt me, and anger thinking of how someone could’ve treated me that way ate me alive. For months and months after we ended, I felt the weight of the hurt weigh me down and make my blood boil. Every day felt like this for months and months until one day I decided to let it go. I realized I would never get a proper apology, proper closure, or a chance to try and fix the past. I gave myself closure, and I did it on my own and without him. Did I still resent him and feel angry? Yes. But did I forgive him? Yes.
To give forgiveness is not saying “It’s okay now, what you did wasn’t wrong”, but it’s letting go of the hold that it has over us. It doesn’t mean that we have to suddenly except the one who wronged us back into our lives and tell them it’s cool, but it means moving on. Forgiveness is so much harder than anyone could make it seem, but I promise you that it feels like such freedom when the grudge feels like it is lifted off of our backs.
I know how hard and how painful forgiveness is, I don’t want to come off like it’s a simple fix to such a complex issue. I want you to know that this grudge can and will end. There is still peace able to be found and steps forward that are waiting for you to take them. I am here for you right now and I am sending you all of my support, my friend. I feel your pain and I want nothing more than for you to be free from it. This weight will not be yours to bear forever <3
The anger you feel toward what happened is completely understandable, and you are not wrong for feeling that way. How could anyone ever forgive someone for something so horrible, so evil that most people can’t even comprehend it? I can’t imagine the pain and anger you must feel, how overwhelming it must seem every time you think of what happened.
While I have no idea how powerful those emotions must feel, I want you to know that I am here for you regardless of how horrible the world has treated you or those you love, and that there are people who love you and are enduring incredible pains right alongside you.
It feels impossible to ever move on from what happened, and I’m not sure the memories or emotions will ever completely fade away. But I do know that no matter how evil people can be, their actions and choices cannot destroy your purpose and meaningful existence. Your strength to still be here right now is inspiring, and while I can never explain the horrors of that event, I believe that you are not defined by the darkness surrounding you.
You want justice and retribution for the evil that was done to you and someone you loved, and that makes complete sense. That is simply human, and you are justified in being heartbroken for that darkness. In my own life, I’ve realized that after something terrible has happened, one of evil’s biggest weapons is a deep-rooted hatred and desire for revenge. That longing to hold onto a grudge has destroyed so much joy and peace in my life. Now I know that it seems impossible to move on or forgive, and even thinking of those things seems selfish and harmful to the person who was hurt. It is okay to be angry about injustice, and as humans we are all wired to think that way. But that burden of contempt can drain our souls away, and rob us of all our joy for life. I believe that joy is still possible for you, and I know that you are NOT alone in the storms of these feelings. You are loved my friend, you are justified, and you are heard right here in this moment.