I’m so very sorry that you were feeling that way when you posted this, and I hope you’ve been feeling a little better since then. A good thing to do when we feel left alone is to actually reach out, even if it’s really hard to do so. You can be proud of yourself for being vulnerable and sharing about what’s going on, because it’s very brave of you.
It sounds like your friends are resenting you for things that belong to the past. I don’t know if you and them had a conversation about this, and how much you are trying to change your own habits, but maybe it could be helpful to talk about it with them in times to come. You know, just to make sure that you’re all on the same page and can finally let go of past grievances.
If it can be of any comfort, I’m also this person who tends not to message back. Not because I don’t want to, but most of the time because I already have my own struggles to deal with and socializing takes a lot of energy. Past friends generally took that personally, as if I was mad at them or didn’t love them enough, and they turned on me progressively. It made and still makes me feel sometimes that I’m just made to be alone and misunderstood, but that’s just not true. Some people stay, and those are the ones who truly know me, enough to be patient when I’m not with myself.
It can be hard to find the right people. The ones who don’t need us to talk all the time to be understood. There’s a balance to find with people and through honest conversations though, but sometimes it also just doesn’t match, or not for an unlimited time.
You mentioned that the people surrounding you are not good for your mental health, and I think it’s a very important point that you shared. It’s painful to reconsider our relationships, but it can also be a pain that allows growth.
Based on what you shared, going on with this situation could be one of these options: talking with your friends about how you feel and see if there’s a possibility to build a common ground from now on, just because resenting you for something that’s supposed to belong to the past now could be destructive for each one of you. On the opposite side your intuition might tell you to reconsider these friendships and seek more peaceful and healthy relationships. Ultimately it’s a decision that will question your mutual commitment: do you all want to work on these relationships, or would it be better to focus on building healthier ones with someone else?
Through all of this, know that you are not alone. It may be “virtually” or with a distance, but you always have friends right here in this community. We see you. We care about you. And we understand what it is to feel alone even when we are surrounded by friends.
I hope this situation will be resolved in a way that would be healing for you. We’re in this with you. You’ll be okay, friend. You’re not alone.